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Please need help - MIL dramatic lies & drama to SS

Caroline2b1211's picture

I was wrinting a few days before that SS wasn't happy there, and has no center of interest. 
And i may know what makes him behave like that, for a part. 
Yesterday he talked to me, and asked why and for how long he will be punished from phone here. 
I explained that it was not a punishment, but that he is not allowed to use his phone here because MIL use it to make drama, and because we want to live in peace and enjoy his stay here. 

What he answered chilled my blood. SS said that MIL calls him everynight when he is at BM. That she asks him if he has news from his dad (DH). That DH never answer any calls from her (which is absolutely false !!!), that she is really worried about his dad safety with me, that she is really anxious, and that there are many many problems in our house. With his words, he explained to my MIL is afraid that i could abuse from DH, be violent and stole him. 

Please, help me. I'm so afraid of that crazy devil woman ! 


Caroline2b1211's picture

I do love my husband. I love him so much. He is a good partner, but today, i'm freaking out ! 
I just want to take my baby, and leave far far far away

Winterglow's picture

Have you talked to your husband about these heinous accusations? I do hope you set your SS straight that none of that was true. Ask your SS if what he observes corresponds to what his grandmother is saying. When he says "no", ask him why he thinks his grandmother would say such things. I'd probably do that with your husband present.

Caroline2b1211's picture

That's exactly what i did, ask those question. But to be honest, he is not very smart, and his hard brainwashed.

Husband is devastated. For now, we are shocked. 

He wanted to call his mother, i just advise him to wait and think before talking because with this woman, you can't act spontaneously. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Who pays for the phone? If it is DH, he needs to block MIL so she can no longer call SS. If it is BM, would she agree to do that? I know you are not in the US, so the laws are different - but I would look into some kind of restraining order. MIL should not be able to contact SS at all. Will your DH stand up to his Mother?

I am sorry you are going through this and I agree that you need to take steps to protect yourself.

Caroline2b1211's picture

He is 10 and we are against iphone with unlimited access to internet. DH wanted to buy a simple phone, but BM said his son deserve the best. So she is the one paying for an unlimited phone. 
DH is already standing up to his mother, but she keeps going on with her crazyness. 
DH already block access to the phone, BUT he can't block MIL because he doesn't have any password to do so. 

Finally, BM doesn't think MIL is a problem for SS. By contrary, she enforces the relationship by sending him to her on her time. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Looks like he is 10?  If so you could ask him why his grandmother would worry him so?  Start with those critical thinking questions. Sounds like he's going to have to hear from dad about how to handle his crazy grandmother.  

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, we asked those question. But he has no answer. He is 100% MIL team, that's so sad for HIM. 
I don't know what to do for him, and most of all, i don't know how to protect myself and my son from her

Rags's picture

Directly in her face, and by keeping the SS up to speed. You and DH need to do this together.

There is no hard decision here. There is only one decision. Confront MIL every time she slithers out from under her slime covered rock.

Lather.... rinse..... repeat.

"Your grandmother is a liar. The facts are 12345, lmnop, xyz."

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks Rags for your answer. 
As MIL is not a rational person, and a manipulative one, we decided to not confront her. 
Just tells SS everything was lies, and go on with our lives. 
Plus, as others say below, it SS might have exagerate, in order to manipulate me and get his phone. I'm not 100% sure, but this can be an option to. 

strugglingSM's picture

Ugh! I have a similar MIL. She loves to share her "concerns" about things with other people. She texts SSs all the time (she loves the power of direct contact with them) and tells them she is "so sad" that we never invite her over. She rarely contacts me or my DH and I'm not a mind reader, so she can just keep being "sad" and I can just keep ignoring her. When DH and I were just engaged, she showed her true colors by telling DH that she had a long talk with BM and they both agreed that I was the problem, because before I came along BM and DH were the "best of friends" (they weren't!). In my case, MIL has narc tendencies and BM has borderline tendencies, so they are two peas in a dysfunctional pod. DH knows his mother is dysfunctional and has always had a strained relationship with her, but I think he could no longer gloss over it after I came along and reminded him that her behavior is not normal. 

Is your DH surprised by his mother's behavior? If so, might be worth going to see a counselor with him to help him see the light. I would suggest he tell your SS, "that sounds like an adult conversation and you don't need to be worrying about adult issues. If your grandmother has an issue, she knows she can come to me. If you feel uncomfortable when talking to her, you can tell her that she should talk to me." 

For my MIL, I primarily avoid her, which is easy, because she rarely will ask for what she wants. She also now makes her holiday plans directly with my SSs, so she doesn't care if DH and I are there are not. She doesn't even seem to care about seeing our DD (also her grandchild). I used to try to make time for her to see SSs and even DD, but every time I try, she always creates drama or does something that I find rude or off putting...usually around how she thinks DH isn't doing enough for SSs, so I've decided it's best for my own sanity to put in zero effort with her.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks you strugglingSM for your support.

I'm so sorry you have been through the same kind of MIL drama. Are you sure mine and yours are not sisters ? LOL. 

Here, it's the same things. MIL makes direclty plans woth SS (and BM). For example, he was supposed to leave today but because he was a little bit sick, BM asked if it was possible to take him on saturday. SS asked to because "I miss so much mom". And we discovered today that SS who left yesterday was not with BM but with MIL... 

strugglingSM's picture

MIL takes SSs on vacation with her and only tells DH when she is bragging about the trip. Last year, she planned her trip over one of DH's weekends and over his birthday. DH had lost the weekend prior because BM scheduled a vacation over it. During the trip, MIL sends DH a text saying, "SS tells me he hasn't seen you in over a month! You need to plan something special for him when he gets back!" I made DH reply to her reminding her that the reason he hadn't seen him was because BM and then MIL just scheduled over his weekends and didn't even bother to tell him. Another time, she wanted me to bring DD over, so I did. It was a school day and I walk in and other SS is there. He was apparently spending the weekend with MIL...again, no word from MIL. She told me all the things they were planning to do together.

DH has asked her repeatedly to not make holiday plans without consulting him first or to let him know when she is making any plans with them. She either lies and tells him that she's not, tells him he is just "at war" with BM, tells him she needs to show SSs "they are loved" (as if DH doesn't)'s exhausting just having to deal with it. Meanwhile, she basically ignores DD, unless there is a photo opp to be had and also loves to tell SSs "your father needs to realize he has three children!" which they constantly tell if he should somehow ignore DD when they are around or not give her extra attention because she's a baby, just to make SSs feel better. Meanwhile, DH has a much younger sister who is still MIL's favorite and who the entire house revolved around ...we're supposed to drop everything when she is around, but DH only hears from MIL when she needs something or wants to criticize...perhaps, MIL needs to remember that she also has three children, not just princess SIL.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I agree with everyone that your MIL is awful and a sh*t-stirrer but don't forget that your SS is/has been a manipulative liar too.  He knows he gets attention when he plays one house against the other and I bet he gets off on hurting your feelings.  I think that this drama was in his mind a way of mapulating you to give him his phone back but based on some of the trash that MIL is filling his mind with.  Obviously, it wasn't a successful tactic but he is only 10 so hasn't got the capability to think through all the logic yet.

I don't know how you deal with this except to hand the mess over to your DH to clean up.  If you really think that your MIL is going to report you to the police/gendarmerie/social services, your DH also needs to address this with her.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

But I'd put money on him taking something minor and exagrating the heck out of it.  Especially, if OP was becoming visably upset.

Winterglow's picture

I agree. Good thing that OP stopped her DH from immediately wading into the fray. More information is clearly needed. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Of course SS is a compulsive liar, so it might be an option. 

The thing that make me doubt is the fact that usually, when SS lies, it’s about him. He is the hero of the story, the victim, the one who has bad treatment etc… 

And in that case, it was not about him, but about MIL. 


But, but, but, you are right in one thing : after the talk, i wanted to talk to DH about the phone and give SS it back. Fortunately, DH said a big NO. Phone is not an option at all. Especially if what said SS was true. 

So maybe it’s a stupid try to take back his phone… A friend of mine said that i was hypnotised by SS !


For MIL, we already told SS that it’s not his role to solve MIL issues, and if he feels inconfortable with MIL confidence, he should tell her she have to speak directly to DH. 


There is now two options : 


SS invented the all thing : it’s completely crazy and i will have to deal with a future sociopath during many years, which is depressing. 


What SS said was true : MIL is just a total crazy one. And BM a super super crazy to let his son with her !! 


For the police, DH says she won’t do that because she is intellectually incapable of such thing. For my part i try to do my best to make a super file with evidences : SS medical certificate that prove SS is always sick with no treatment when he comes from MIL (which happened this time too..), audio records from MIL that screams to DH she wants to kill me, that she hates me blablabla, (i made a police complaint of all that). Plus screen times records of SS when he is at MIL (12/14 hours a day), a copy of a letter that DH addressed to BM saying that he won’t send SS to MIL anymore after the drama and brainwashing she makes on SS and for the fact that she was letting him spend 12/14 hours on his phone (with evidence and copy of messages) A police complaint that DH filled about MIL and her bypassing parental authority, etc… etc… and of course, we have cams in every rooms except bathroom and SS room where i don’t put a tiptoes when he is here. 

Just in case she tries to make public accusation about me. It makes me feel safer to have proof MIL is not a rational person and shouldn't be listened seriously

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Good for your DH to hold firm on the phone not being available to SS while he is at your house.

Remember that SS is likely addicted to the device and like all addicts will do ANYTHING to get another dopamine hit from his drug of choice.  This doesn't mean that he's a sociapath but it does mean he needs some help.  

I'm glad you have documented everything.  It will be useful if MIL is crazy enough to try to report her fantasies to the authorities.

Please keep venting.  At least it gets some of the angst off your chest and remind you that we as a community care even if we can't make things better for you.