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I don’t appreciate how SS is growing

Caroline2b1211's picture

SS spent his winter holidays with us. It was a relief to see that big drama seem to be behind him (For now). 

It wasnt exhausting to have him home this time, however, i have to admit i don't appreciate the person SS is becoming. 

 

First, he is the best, even if he is terrible at an activity or a game, he says he is the best. And when he says he is not, it's because he wants to hear "oh no, don't say that, you know you are the best". 

 

Then, he is susceptible. He just has received his bookmarks of the last trimester, and the grades are terrible. However the teacher wrote "you have difficulties, keeps making effort and stay motivated". DH told him it was a good attitude to be motivated and to make efforts. He told him he was proud of him for that. He also said that in order to improve his results, it could be a good solution to reduce videogame times during schooldays. He explained it was not a punishment but a way to make SS more attentive and less tired. Then, SS started to cry « Dad is mean, he is screaming at me ». He was ridiculous because DH was tiptoeing all the time. 

 

In addition, he wants to be the center of the universe. DH explained to him that MIL was coming to pick him up AND to spend a little few time with BS. That MIL never see BS, so SS must be respectful for that and let MIL pay attention to BS. That he will spend many days to MIL and he will have exclusive times with her. SS said OK, but when MIL arrived, it was SS show ! « Look at this ! Look at that ! Ooooh you buy BS a guitare ? I’m the best at the guitare, listen to me » 

 

And finally, the worst part : SS is racist. 

The last time had racist though and speech about a girl he met at the center activity. We explained to him everything about racism, and told him it was non acceptable in our home. Last time, he was with me and we met our neighbour. He has African origins and when he left SS said « he his disgusting, i hate his voice, i’m disgusted ». This time, no more speech, i just said « i don’t want racist talk in my house of anywhere when you are with me or with BS, keep your racist though for you ». 

 

I know the most of it comes from his education, but, at the end, i don’t like the way he is growing.

Comments

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi winterglow ! 
For the racism, i think both BM and MIL are responsible. 
For the "i'm the best", i would say SS own personality with grandparents benediction, because BM doesn't appreciate this state of mind either. 
For the susceptible part, it's his personality. 
For the "i'm the center of the universe" it's 100% about MIL. 
 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

We had a touch of that with YSS and I went off on him about it.  He had other adults in his life misleading him so I challenged back hard.  I think I changed him but who knows.  At least he had the sense not to ever give any indication he thought that way in front of me again.  Had to do this with all 3 SSs on their homophobic language.

Your MIL is so exhausting.

Caroline2b1211's picture

It's good to see i'm not the only one to deal with that. I also added to SS that those kind of racist though is punished by the law, he didn't even know ! 

CajunMom's picture

with DH's youngest son. His was against people who are gay. He had those thoughts because of his bigotted mother, oldest sister and the crazy clan type churches they attended. Made fun of kids who "might" be gay in the church (mainstream) we attended. I did not hold back my words and he kept his digusting thoughts to himself. 

Fast forward 10 years. He has a sister who "comes out." Now, "gay" is acceptable in his and all their worlds. Can you say BIGOT HYPOCRITE loud enough? 

Proud of you for not playing around with his racist comments. Shut that down and shut it down hard. Thank you.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Of course i am ! 
First, we made all the speech about tolerance, open mind, respect etc.. I teach him the history of racism and what horrible things that thoughts lead to (war, genocide etc..). 
Now, i'm just asking him to stop talking like that, it's forbiden there

CajunMom's picture

I hope I didn't come across as you not wanting to do what you did. I just know how damn hard it is with SKs and how we have to walk on eggshells on anything that has to do with "raising" them or "teaching" them proper behavior. Big hugs. I know that is so hard to have to be around.