Our relationship is probably the best it could be. My husband and stepson don't know that I dislike him. We hug. He confides in me. He holds a lot of anger for his mother because she has always made fun of him, likes to scare him, and puts him down. That's why I came to this site, so I can vent about the personality disorder issues because toward by husband and my stepson, I want to be supportive. It is just difficult and I worry about the effect on the little ones.

He does take out the trash and recycling when asked and has a good attitude about it. He is just narcissistic and unable to consider other people. We would never ask him to babysit any of his brothers for any length of time because he might hurt them. He teases them, insults them, and argues with them constantly. He needs all of DH's and my attention at all times. He does not stop talking. It's a bit overwhelming at times for both of us. For example, my 5-year-old is getting over a stomach bug. In the middle of him throwing up a couple of days ago, my stepson came up and started talking to me and showing me a book he just got as though he was totally oblivious to his brother's situation. When informed of the situation, he will say, "Yeah... oh yeah..." pause for a moment and then continue with what he wants to say. There is so much more going on and this is why I came to this site. To discuss it and try to work through things with people who have been or are in similar situations. 

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Thanks. Yes. It is a very busy life, but very rewarding. It's difficult to juggle everything and make sure everyone has the attention they need. DH couldn't possibly understand how it feels to be in my position, so I hope to find some more experienced step parents here who can give me good advice as I need it.

Thank you for the warm welcome.

It will be a relief to express some of the concerns and feelings that I've been holding in for years.

Thanks for asking.

When he was little, he would pantomime choking me or punching me which I think was due to his discomfort with me being in the picture at all. He hasn't done anything like that in years. He has always been very critical of me and dissects what I say, so I find myself walking on egg shells around him, which my husband thinks is crazy of me. He's like, "Don't worry about what he thinks! He's a kid." Which is true and something I should work on, but I am the type to always want to make everyone happy and comfortable. A big problem there is that I will put other people's desires before my needs and I see myself doing that to my boys, putting others before them because I am trying to avoid an uncomfortable moment with other people. I do this when it comes to my stepson. He is mean to his little brothers. He fights with them and calls them stupid. Rather than correcting him, I tell them, "You are not stupid. You are very smart." Some of what I need to do is toughen up and stick up for my boys. It's an uncomfortable position, though, because I don't want SS to feel like I'm picking on him or giving the little ones preferential treatment. His mother is not nice to him. She makes fun of him and picks on him. I think this is why he treats his brothers poorly.

I do try to be supportive of my SS. He is comfortable sharing things with me before he talks to his dad about it. For example, he came out as bi-sexual a few years ago and told me before telling his father or mother. If I were more critical of him and his poor behavior, I don't know that he would feel as comfortable with me.

Thank you for the warm welcome. That is so true about 16! This is my first time dealing with it from an adult perspective. My SS can be so moody sometimes and will just storm off and I do understand that this is his age. I remember it being difficult. The way his mood can flip and he may start crying over nothing actually reminds me of myself in the hormonal throes of pregnancy. My SS has actually been easier and easier to deal with over time, so I should understand that he will probably be much better once his hormones even out.

I do feel bad for kids these days. We didn't have cyber bullying. "The internet is forever" is not something I ever had to be concerned about in my youth.

I truly am concerned that SS is a narcissistic as is his mother, but I'm hoping DH and I can help him be a functioning adult as well adjusted as possible. It's not easy coming from a broken home. He turned 5 years old just a month or so after his parents split. It's not fair and I can't expect him to be unaffected by it. He does have good qualities. His work ethic, for example. 

I hope to get some good advice here that helps me keep my sanity and helps me help SS to be a decent grown up.

It really is a lot to handle. I've never known what to do when it comes to my stepson. He does say some awful things pretty often, though most of it, he doesn't realize is hurtful. Some of it, he does know. He is the type of person who goes out of his way to make other people feel uncomfortable. I think it's a control mechanism from going through his parents' break up, he tries to find things he can control. I really do have a lot of sympathy for him because I see the crappy hand he's been dealt and it often brings me to tears, but the older he gets, the more accountable for his own actions he must be.

DH doesn't want to face the things about SS that need to change. It's as though he thinks he'll figure it out on his own or he thinks his peers will help set him straight. I do try to talk to DH about things that are a problem as they arise and sometimes he discusses it with SS, but there are many things that I think he should be more stern about. He's always feared that SS will not want to spend so much time with us if he's more strict with him. DH also feels a lot of pity for SS because he feels like life has already been so hard on him, that he doesn't want to make life more difficult for him. I, however, feel that if we make things a little difficult up front, life will be smoother for SS in the long run. It's too much to take onto my own shoulders to try to step up and be a bit of a bitch to SS in order to get him to shapen up, but I think that's what DH would prefer. I wonder sometimes if that would actually be best for SS, but I also don't want to be the bad guy when it comes to pointing out what he needs to work on. I feel like that's not fair because I'm already the step mom and that is hard enough.

There is so much work to be done here. I definitely need advice and guidance. 

Thank you for your feedback and the welcome!

I was actually just thinking that SS should go to therapy. It's something we've talked about before, but we haven't acted on it yet because his mother will not only grill him to get as much info as she can about what he talks about, she'll also make fun of him for it. She sees therapy as a weakness (she could use it herself).

SS will be 17 this summer, so I think that's an ok age for him to go to therapy and keep it a secret from his mother. He definitely needs to talk to an unbiased party about everything's he's been through. I am sure he has anger toward his parents and me, but feels like he's wrong for having those feelings. He deserves to be able to work through some of that.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's a meaningful coincidence that I was just thinking about this.