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It is going to take a while to prevent my triggers with SS28

captjacksprrw's picture

First off, the root issue here is that DW and I need to agree between ourselves and need to commit to sit down with SS28 and talk with him about the behavior changes we want to see around the house. Just the same, I'm finding it is so hard to avoid certain trigger behaviors he has causing me to go negative.

We had a good but busy Saturday and were generally happy and upbeat. SS 28 is typically upstairs in his domain and so did not know but DW and I were scheduled to go visit our SS23 and daughter in law and do an activity with them. Call me petty but these are the items that then began to turn me negative. Spoiler alert, my DW actually noticed and helped me to not go negative

1. SS28 texts to his mom about 15 minutes before we have to leave 'Hey, want to run out real quick?' - I know this to be his way of saying hey mom, I really don't feel like driving or cooking so will you drive me over so I can get a drive through breakfast

2. In reference to point 1 above, he wants to text back and forth ... For the love of God, you are able bodied and you are right up the steps. I could toss a football to you underhand.

3. Realizing that we would be leaving too soon he did come down (pleasant and said Hi) and then proceeded to drive himself. On the way, he walks by the trash bag in the kitchen ... it is stacked full and on my mental list to change out before leaving ... he opens it, deposits his last night carryout trash which puts it over the top and holds the lid open. This is long a pet peeve that I have voiced to all the family because most often I wind up taking out the trash and it means spillage or a rip. Ohhh and the big trash can I have to take it to is literally 2 feet from his car.

DW realized that this combination of lack of functioning like an adult (drive me, texting rather than talking) and then piling on the trash - Really?? would it kill you to either toss your bag in the big bin on the way or better yet, be nice and see the full kitchen bag and take a couple minutes to take out yourself? She was able to see me slipping into a bad day and venting and tried to help. The problem is her answer is not for us to later speak to him but rather SHE took the trash out. I do have a long list of triggers but they are due to years of behavior and years of the two of us not owning up to be the adult parents and making our needs clear.

Comments

tog redux's picture

The thing is - you AREN'T the parent here, she is.  She needs to be the one who just simply says, "Hey, DS, can you take that garbage out on your way out, please?"  I don't really see what's so hard about that. 

IMO, this falls on her, not you. You want him to leave, she doesn't. She is the one holding this launch back. 

(BTW, SS28 sounds like he's around 17 emotionally - really, he wants Mommy to take him to get some breakfast because he doesn't feel like driving?)

Cover1W's picture

Yes you need to talk with your SO! Write a list and keep it. DH and I had this talk a year or so ago and we understand each other better and know our boundaries. He knows that I will not handle parenting. He knows I will not agree to adult skids living in house. He knows that if skids leave a mess and he doesn't make sure they clean, then I am d*mn sure making him do it. Talking with your SO is only the first step but most important.

That 28 yo needs a lease. Like real life. Look them up online. Hold him to it.

And triggers? More like totally legit frustration.

captjacksprrw's picture

Yes!! This is the blinders mistake I made of concentrating (for the last 7 years) of the behavior of my SS's and not first cementing a baseline with my DW.   Working on that very thing now and I hope we can at least reach an understanding and set boundaries.  I love her dearly but definitely a Concierge Momma. 

Now let me say that his brother ... SS23 was every bit as challenging but he married and went through many trials but overcame every one.  Now 23, he is happily married, an excellent father and husband and I really love spending time with he and our daughter in law and our wonderful grandson.  SS28 I also enjoy spending time with but he needs to launch and be successful.