By cutting her out... At least that's what I'd do. She's toxic, and she's out of your life now, so don't let her take up headspace. You don't even have to see her! Let DH see his kid on his own time and you take care of yourself!!!

You now take care of You! Disengage completely,  you DO NOT ever have to see her or be there for your husband when it is related to her.    That is not healthy for you.  This sd has a mom and dad who can go to these events .

I would never have any person in my home who treated me that way.  Encourage your DH to see her as often as he wants but take yourself out of that equation.  This is where healing can begin for you.  I am 3 plus years disengaged from my sd.

She is not welcome in my beautiful home. I do not speak of her, acknowledge birthdays, or anything regarding her.  She doesn't care.  She didn't react at all when I disengaged except I did hear she threw tantrums over the gifts her dad now sends her.    It has however put all the mess onto my DH and her mother.  I am no longer the target of abuse.

I've never met her child, or have been involved with 2 other pregnancies under age 20.

My life is so peaceful!!!!  It takes time and mental energy to do this but it works.  I come here for support in putting myself first.   I was an abused sm, and unsupported wife,   not any more.

It will take time to stop hurting over this, but it can and will happen. Whenever you start to get mad thinking about her, remind yourself that she is out of your life and how good that feels. Then get busy doing else. In time, it gets easier.

I don't see why you have to go to the graduation "for your DH." He knows his child has been hateful toward you, so it's part of his role as a loving husband to support your boundaries of never being around her. He can go by himself.

I believe that time heals (not all) wounds, but it does help.  Time and distance are most likely essential for you to have peace in your life.  He can be there for his son without forcing you to.  But if you figure out how to bury the bad feelings, please let me know... I have a SS17 putting my family through much of the same things.  

"She graduates high school next month and I know I have to be there for DH's sake as much as I don't want to. " Umm no you don't.  You can let him go by himself.  This is the time to start worryign about yourself and healing.  SHe was a little beech to you then no reason to go support her events.  She's old enough to get back what she dishes out.

You remove her from your life TOTALLY.  No, you do not have to go to her graduation for your DH's sake.  What difference is it going to make if you are there or not?  Assuming that he is an able bodied individual who can drive he's capable of getting himself there and sitting thru the boring ceremoney without you being there.

No one was more angry than I was when SS33 and his GF invaded our home (slept in our bed and helped themselves to everything we owned) while we were on vacation.  I was consumed with rage.  I only found out the extent of it in drips and drabs over a few weeks.  If I'd known it all at first I definitely would have called the police and pressed charges.

My action was to tell DH to keep them WAY FROM ME.  I have not seen them since.  I was in a turmoil a couple of months later when I found out they'd been invited to a family event - but they did not come.  I wasn't sure I could be around them without going into exorcist rage mode.

It's now been a little over a year and I think I could be calm and just ignore them if our paths should cross.  That will never be in my home though.  I have course never been invited to their home, to her baby showers, to the child's first birthday party - all of which happened before the home invasion.

Just think of it as good riddance to bad rubbish.  DH is free to see them as he wishes.  I never bring up SS although almost daily I could make some remark about the ahole - but I muzzle myself.  I never spent time telling DH how hideous those two are.  My only words were "keep them away from me".

It's best if you don't say things to your DH like "I'm not going to her graduation because she's a *&%^*( who has done x, y, z to me".   Just state that you are not going.  And then do not bring her up.

No communication helps so much.  It will get better.  And who knows she may actually grow up someday and become a halfway decent person, but don't hold your breath.  

Have you and DH actually discussed this?  Does he even think you are going?  If you haven't had anyhting to do with SD for a while, it stands to reason that your DH would assume you were NOT going.  Also, at most graduation ceremonies, kids are only allowed to have so many people there, and are only given so many invitations.  Doubtful SD would even have one for you? 

If you DID get an invite and DH assumes you are going, I would set him straight.  Just tell him you won't be able to make it.  He doesn't need you there to hold his hand.  And YOU don't need to go and be treated like dirt, excluded from pics, ignored and all that happy horse poop that comes with skid events like this!

She's graduating, not dying, why would he need "support"? Your husband can go to her graduation alone or with other family.

My own SD has not been as disrespectful as yours, but when I found out how she really felt about me, it was like a slap in the face. Over time, I just stopped caring about her and I certainly don't care what she thinks about me. I invest no emotional energy towards her, she is not worth it.

It's hard, getting past the anger, though. I have some anger regarding somebody else in my life and I just try not to obsess about it. The person is who she is and she will have to answer for that someday.

Does your DH lay into her when she speaks of you this way?  Cut her out and don't go to her graduation.  Unless your DH is very supportive and on your team with this 110%... then go strictly for him. Tough situation, sorry to hear.

SD is a toxic POS. All of the bile she spews is her warped opinion and her opinion is BULLSH!T. Naturally, we want the truth to be know and our first instinct is to fight back. Take it from someone who knows - SD IS NOT WORTH YOUR ENERGY.

This is something I have made into a mantra:
Opinions only matter IF YOU LET THEM.

Do not let the toxic blatherings of this beeyotch get to you. YOU know the truth. Your DH knows the truth. Don't let SD rent space in your head. {{{{hugs}}}}

No one can force you to be around an adult that you don't like.  Now, there may be times when you will feel overly obligated to be in the vicinity and in those rare instances a cool detachment is just fine.  Civil but disengaged.

I would not go to the graduation.  If the girl truly feels the way she was telling you then your presence will actually be a negative experience for everyone.  Your DH does not need you to hold his hand through this... it's not like it's a funeral of a close loved one.  If she was just an immature brat, her graduation isn't the time or place to even attempt at having a civil discourse.  Stay home.. do something you enjoy.

Will you ever get over the hurt?  I don't know.... I don't like to carry hatred around like a seed that needs to be watered.  And.. if you want honest viewpoints.. she was an immature child lashing out... the fact that your adult DH let her tantruming be an issue between you would be a bigger problem for me.  He allowed her to continue to be abusive to you.. that is uncalled for.