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Episode 20.5: Feeling validated

CantComplain's picture

The Princess's (SD15's) therapy refrain has moved on from DH 'has no emotions' to DH 'doesn't validate my feelings'. He's not alone, I guess. Princess wanted to fire her current therapist at the treatment castle because he doesn't validate her feelings, either. I don't think that word means what she thinks it means. But heck, I don't know what it means, either. 

What does that mean to feel invalidated? 

Does it mean that people don't acknowledge you when you tell them how you feel? No, that can't be it because you would first have to tell someone how you feel, right? Princess is very fond of giving the cold shoulder for long stretches btwn surly one-word grunts of interaction. 

Does it mean that if no one recognizes you're having a feeling, you can't feel it? Clearly not. 

Does it mean that someone trying to cheer you up is denying that you're sad? Begs the question.

Does it mean you can't control how the people around you react to your feelings that you totally won't tell them you have but also secretly demand they acknowledge? I think we're getting closer. 

What happens if no one can meet this impossible standard of reading your mind and reacting exactly correctly? 

What if one person does? Is one enough?

How many people must adore you in just the right way before you feel validated enough to want to live?


susanm's picture

Is there anything more annoying than "therapy speak?"  I'm just happy if I get my parking validated, KWIM?  LOL

And the answer is 20.  20 people must adore a spoiled child of divorce for them to feel like living.  All in a row wearing matching outfits ready to do their bidding.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I had a friend pull this on me, and this is what I told him:

You can feel however you want to feel, but that doesn't justify your feelings or reactions. You have to go the next step AFTER feeling an emotion to make sure that it was 1) the right emotion and 2) if it wasn't, why it wasn't. You never get to the root cause of a problem if you stop at the surface.

In your SD's case, it doesn't matter what she feels; it only matters the reaction. The reaction should be fawning and arse-kissing. She isn't getting the reaction, so her excuse is that no one "gets" her.

On the contrary. They "get" her at Mental Health Spa and Resort. They just aren't getting paid enough of BM's credit to take it that next step and provide the reaction. I'm sure for the low, low price of $20k they can get her Wi-Fi for the duration of her stay (it's not included in the resort fee, real bummer). That should help some.

Healyourslf's picture

Isn't there a "pill" for validation available at the MadHatter Happy Health Spa? 

advice.only2's picture

LOL even her therapist isn't validating her precious fee-fees, that honeymoon didn't last long.

susanm's picture

That was my thought.  For $20k I'll tell her she is a pretty little werewolf if that is what she wants.  

Iamwoman's picture

I love this blog can’tcomplain!

Your string of progressive questioning is not only thought-provoking, but made me chuckle.

It must be terribly difficult to be a narcissist as a child. To “know” that the world revolves around you, and to feel justified in anger if it doesn’t or if your family members can’t read your mind appropriately. To feel self pity and rage when your supporting actors... Er, I mean people in your life, don’t follow the script that is so clearly written your own head.

SD isn’t suicidal. She isn’t troubled. She doesn’t need meds. She is a spoiled COD who is punishing her parents (father and mother) for failing to kowtow to her. She is probably pretty pleased that BM is up to her ears in debt. SD will not stop her antics until she wreaks havoc in everyone’s lives around her, and since DH won’t toe her line, she will never stop. If SD can’t be happy, then no one can.

My own DD needed mental help, but she feels badly about how much it costs me and is actively trying to help herself. Your SD has no empathy, sympathy, or any feelings that lie outside or the spectrum of self-pity or rage... this just screams “narcissistic sociopath” to me!

CantComplain's picture

Thank you for the complient and right back at you. I've enjoyed your writings very much. :-) 

You hit the nail on the head. Narcissism. Rampant narcissism. Which is its own kind of mental health issue, I guess. I mean, I can't deny the young lady needs help, although who knows what form that will have to take to be effective. 

thinkthrice's picture

no therapy translation needed.  this is COD. skid language that evolved from constantly going to therapists. 

translation: " doesn't agree with everything I say"

" doesn't kiss the ground I walk on"

"doesn't give me everything I want and more"

" is able to see through my bullshyt"

" is no longer making me a mini spouse"

Want2's picture

“Princess wanted to fire her current therapist at the treatment castle because he doesn't validate her feelings...”

How do you know this

CantComplain's picture

Princess told DH when he called to say hi one evening. Said the therapist had given her homework, then had her read the homework to him during therapy, then ignored it and moved on without validating her feelings. Then she hung up on DH because he asked followup questions like 'what do you mean he didn't validate it? Did he just ignore that you'd spoken?'. 

Stepcreaturesonly's picture

You are utterly hysterical. I love every post. Please give us more! I don’t know how you stay sane surrounded by madness.