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I dont like being a stepmom

canihandlethis's picture

It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't fill me with joy. I do not have some overwhelming love for my SD. I feel being a stepmom is a responsibility that comes from being with my SO. It is my job to be my SO's support staff. It feels like a job. A job I do not really want. I say support staff because he has to be the one in charge of SD things. I will support him in that. I care about SD. I am nice to her. I encourage good healthy relationships with SO and DS. But I prefer to sit on the side lines.

I could leave but I do not see that leading down a road of happiness. We all have our reasons for staying. I stay for love and for our son.

I was very naive going in. I come from an intact family. I had nothing to go on. But hey, there are a lot of step families and they all seem happy. How many of us are faking that smile? My first post on here, I was shocked at the advice. It sounded harsh. I understand now.

There is all these expectations we have. That others have of us. It sets us up to fail. I didn't expect to feel like an outsider in my own home. I didnt know that I would feel like the outsider with the inlaws. I realized that my MIL is a double agent. I didnt realize how often I would feel hurt. I didnt know that having boundaries around my life would result in me being the difficult one. But BM she is being reasonable.

Being a stepmom is a very lonely road. It is emotional tiring.

I often wonder what would happen if I started being really honest with everyone? I sometimes get tired of wearing a filter and the fake smile.


Living the dream's picture

If it helps at all to know, I feel exactly the way you feel. It's almost like you're inside of my head. There are no divorced people in my family. I don't have a biological child, though; I was already in my 40s when I married. In addition, my mother in law is good to me. She feels I'm an incredible improvement over BM. I'm inclined to agree with her.

I stay because I do love my husband and his youngest is 14 now. I know they won't ever go away, because they're his kids, but they won't always live with us half the time. We won't always have to live in the same school district as BM. Someday our lives will be our own.

Like you, I am kind to my stepkids. But I don't love them at all. Hell, sometimes I don't even like them. You know why? Because sometimes they're not likable. That's why God gave biological parents the rose-colored glasses they see their kids through. Without those glasses, the children of our ancestors would not have survived to adulthood.

canihandlethis's picture

My mother in law isn't outright mean to me. She makes off hand comments that I don't always realize were mean until later. She says I am an improvement over BM too. But she also defends BM's past actions and current ones. They are pretty buddy buddy. She has pictures of BM and BM's BF in her living room and invite them over for dinners. So I guess she isn't so bad then (sarcasm).

"Someday our life will be our own" That is it exactly, I struggle with feeling like my life is my own. SD is 4.5 so we have a long ways to go.

I know she isn't a bad kid. I just feel no connection. There are other kids I know that I feel more connected to. It doesn't help when BM's ugliness finds a way of coming out of SD's mouth.

hereiam's picture

I understand, except I went into it with a different mindset. I guess you could say, a more selfish mindset.

I have never really considered myself a step mom. In 18 years, I have only referred to my husband's daughter (who is now 23) as my step daughter, on this site. Other than here, she is DH's daughter. I should use HD (husband's daughter) instead of SD.

I have always supported my husband's role as her father but I have never really thought of her as my responsibility or that my role as "step mother" was a real role. She had a mother, after all, and when she was with us (EOWE) she had her father to tend to her needs, and he did.

As for others expectations? Others can kiss my ass. Hubby's daughter has a mother and a father, other than being nice to her, I owe her nothing. And if she ever treats me disrespectfully, I don't even owe her that. The in-laws can kiss my ass, also, they are nothing to me (hubby's parents have passed so they are not an issue, just his siblings and their kids).

I have, from the beginning, refused to feel like an outsider in my own home, and to hubby's credit, he has never made me feel like that. I always tried to have a balance between letting them do their own thing without me and doing things with them, as a family. I never wanted kids so I had to be able to do my own thing and pick and choose what I wanted to do with the two of them. I guess that's why is was never a lonely road for me, I enjoyed it when they did things without me.

I don't really "fake" it very well so if anybody doesn't like the real, NON-step mother that I am, I just don't care. They don't live my life.

canihandlethis's picture

I would like to stop being fake. I am a life long people pleaser though so a lot of what I think goes unspoken. I am contributing to the false sense of what step life is like.

hereiam's picture

Oh, well see, that's one difference between you and me; I am quite the outspoken bitch.

canihandlethis's picture

If only I could get the thoughts from head to come out my mouth. Lol

hereiam's picture

Those thoughts don't even have to come out of your mouth, honey, just live your life, on your terms. As long as you and your SO are happy with how you all do things, that is all that matters.

My DH would have loved for me to be his daughter's female role model/mother figure but he understood that that was not my role in life. As long as HE understood that, nobody else mattered. I just did what I did and everyone else was free to talk about me behind my back, I didn't care. It was And I got flack from MY OWN sisters.

Every step situation is different and there is no handbook that says, "this is how it needs to be done". And if there is, it's wrong. Take that pressure off of yourself.

Even if you don't say it to all those people who you think you need to please, at least think it and live it: Fuck off, this is MY life.

BlingPlus2's picture

Logistics question (because I agree with and see your points and WANT to be free) - how do you handle the financial aspects? Like child support, what you pay for, checking accounts with your husband, etc.? I feel like the money is a HUGE fight ALL the time with my husband when it comes to HIS kids.

canihandlethis's picture

We don't have completely separate finances but anything that gets paid to BM comes from his pay cheque. He is also responsible for his half of bills, mortgage, household costs and DS things. I've written out what each of our incomes are and minused the share of each of our bills and house hold things. His has alot less left over because of Child Support. Anything extra he wants for SD or extra $ that BM wants has to come from there. This way has so far worked for us. As SD gets older it may not.

Easiest way may be to just have separate finances with maybe a joint chequing account for shared expenses. That way there is nothing to fight about as long as he is covering his half of shared expenses.

redtiger74's picture

I've felt the same way, but only because of outside influences; i.e., DH, MIL, SIL, friends, etc... But I'm also used to swimming against the current. The more people try to push that BS on me, the more I refuse it. I feel no inclination to be a stepmother to SS6.66. He has two parents. In no way do I need to fill any kind of parental role. My DH made a decision to leave his first wife (BM) when the skid was 6 months old, and that has never been my problem or responsibility. As an aside, I met DH 4 years after the fact.

Why do we have to be labeled "stepmother" just because we marry a man with kids? I didn't take my husband's last name and there's no way I'm taking on any kind of mommy role. Perhaps we all need to start a movement to refuse the title. We can create our own roles and if our respective DH's don't like it, f' them.

I refuse the title. I refer to Skidly as DH's child. And last time I checked I'm an autonomous adult female capable of making my own decisions. As a close friend recently said based on the structure of my relationship, my DH needs to accept the fact that we don't have a traditional relationship due to the presence of Skidly. So for my sanity DH needs to be okay with me distancing myself from the "situation." I'm still working to make DH feel okay with it.

That said, I'm kind and polite to Skidly, but I don't interact more than I need to. Basically what it comes down to is deciding on on what works for you, and then sticking with it.