Guess who calls last night to say she is sick of ss!
Yup, a whopping 38 days, and bm is telling dh she is sick of ss. Don't get me wrong, ss is a polished asshole, and he is that way b/c bm doesn't want to do anything to correct his behavior. She won't do counseling, nor will she take the time to take him to counseling.
She asked dh to find a summer camp to send him to. I said to him, "why, so you can spend the time searching one out, pay for it, for her to just change her mind by the summer is here?" We also talked about how he would treat the counselors and other kids. It wouldn't be fair to send ss there while his behavior is unacceptable, all for them to deal with it. My dh said it's like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs stiches!
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Wow, that didn't take long!
I know you knew this was coming, but she barely lasted a month! It's laughable in a sad pathetic way.
Why can't BM find SS a camp? Why does she have to put it on DH? It sounds like you two are on the same page at least. Poor SS. He is a mess. And it's NO WONDER because BM is an even bigger mess. I'm sorry.
Keep us posted.
I'm in the same boat
The only difference is SD is a perfect angel at our house and a devil at her mother's house. We get phone calls all the time telling us SD is "a little asshole." We are looking for a lawyer to get SD, but at this point BM may give her to us. On Easter BM calls asking if we could come and pick her up, because she told her mom and 3rd husband she hated them. SD has never told me and my husband that she hated us. As for the summer camp that she should pay for half. And if he needs a counselor, you should take him and have her pay half. We did that with a doctors visit, that BM should have taken her 2 months before. Save records and make a copy for BM. If it's part of the divorce agreement for her to pay half. then you have record that she is not following the agreement. If it goes to creditors, you are only responsible for half.
Shea
I don't have any problems
with financing things for ss, but his mother wastes money like no one I have ever seen. Even if her money is spent paying for the camp, it wouldn't surprise me if she canceled at the last minute out of guilt towards ss (meaning him crying about going and she doesn't have the balls to stand up to her own kid and parent him). She would just forfeit her own money without a care it would be forfeiting our money as well. That is why I have a problem with financing anything ahead of time. If he were to complete the camp, then I would be happy to reimburse her for 50% of the costs.
Last Christmas, ss had a cell phone, and he got caught lying to his mother. Instead of just taking the cell phone away and putting outside of his reach, she canceled the contract! It had to have cost her like $150 to do that! Then a month later, she bought him prepaid cell phone cards. I swear this woman doesn't ever ever think first.
As far as counseling is concerned, the big problem like you said Caitlin is bm. She is such a mess! We have done counseling, we have been the only adults to take ss to counseling, and yeah it helps, but if bm is the problem, we aren't really going to fix anything until she fixes herself. Which brings me to my next point....bm is 32 years old, at 32, you should have your shit together. This is what she is at 32, this is what she is going to be at 42, and 52. She just doesn't get it...and unfortunately her kids are going to be the ones to pay the price.
I know I can sleep at night b/c we have tried everything! You just can't work with people like this. It is pathetic! But I'm laughing at the same time b/c of how idiotic she is! It's like working with Cousin Eddie!
RE:
It's hard for me to believe that she has had him for little over a month and is already ready to get rid of him for the rest of the summer. I would "look" for a summer camp but conveniently not find one until it's too late and registration is over. Or perhaps find one that is too good to pass up but it doesn't start until July, giving her plenty of time with SS.
Personally I think she NEEDS to see SS and his true colors. Perhaps then she would realize that babying him and allowing him to act like a punk is only hurting him and therefore indirectly herself when she is forced to deal with it. Maybe she'll ask you for some parenting lessons!
One questions - what is the child support agreement when SS is with her for the summer? I hardly think it would be appropriate for your household to make payments to hers while SS is in a summer camp.
I know this is probably all wishful thinking, and most likely won't work in your situation...but I had to intone. Wouldn't it be nice!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Hi Nymh
It is unbelieveable. That is why I'm skeptical about spending time researching for a camp, putting the money down, b/c more than likely she will change her mind. We are going to do what she does all the time, tell you what you want to hear, and then just flake out. It's a huge insult to me to waste my time, and knowing how bm is, I'm not signing up for her to waste my time. We run a small business, and my time is expensive, and she can't afford it!
On the whole cs thing, we don't pay a lot, and for a good reason. Shortly after my dh sent ss to go live with her again, he called her up to discuss cs. She informed him that she didn't want cs. Yeah, okay until you change your mind! So, we send her a cashiers check for a small but appropriate amount regardless if she wants it or not. If we don't send her anything, it could be a big problem down the road.
And previously, when we were fighting for a parenting plan, I asked about cs during the summer when we had ss, and in our state, they don't give non-custodial parents a break when it comes to cs and summer visits. They feel that the cost of rearing a child doesn't change (rent/electricity, etc..) b/c the child is visiting other family members or maybe a camp. So, I could just not send her the money, which we might do, but any months that she doesn't have a cs payment can really bite us bad. You see, if she changes her mind about cs, and has the state do a support modification, and they decided she deserves like say $1k a month, they will back date it for any missing months. I personally just feel it's wise to continue paying what we pay and if she wants to have a modification, and we paid cs, they can't back date it in our state, and I did check with our attorney on this! So even though it might not be fair to us, I'm covering our asses!
I think the problem is
that bm is trying too hard to be his friend and not mommy. We are in that situation with my sd. SD tells her mother and her mother's third husband she hates them. I can't blame her for it. Her world changed too fast for her to keep up. Her "mother" divorced her second husband and married her third three days after the divorce was final. My husband and I waited three years to get married, just so she can adjust before we married. SD respects us because we are her friends and the parents. It's strange to think that she is the devil at her house and an angel here.
Shea
One thing
that I have noticed is that boys are really defensive over their mothers, and girls seem to be defensive for their fathers. Caitlin has a sd, and has an amazing relationship with her sd. I on the other hand, have a ss, who I have been raising since he was 4 (and at that age he absolutely loved me), but once his mother planted negative things in his head, that is when he divided his loyalites and hate his father and I, and claims he loves his mother.
SS does not treat anyone with respect, and it's not his fault, his mother is a disrespectful person, her mother is a disrespectful person, and when he is angry towards his father, he isn't going to receive any good information that his father or I give him. He gravitates to his mother b/c she is his friend and not his parent.
The night we sent ss packing, my dh was yelling at ss letting him know his attitude was unnacceptable, and I kept interjecting in there..."it's not his fault, it's his mother's fault he behaves this way b/c she doesn't want to parent him." I did say that in front of him. I was pretty upset, and his mother was again disrespecting our house...right or wrong, we let him know where we stand and we won't take his bullshit, or his mother's.
I'm truly grateful for you your sd likes your house over her mothers'. I don't know what to do for ss, we have a nice stable home, and his mother lives off of her family members, so for him to live with his mother, he is sleeping on someones' couch. SS claims that his mother's house is always better than ours, and we just know that isn't the truth whatsoever!
Keep doing what you are doing. It's certainly okay to do friendly fun activities with your sd, just make sure she isn't calling the shots. Kids need parents, they have plenty of friends!
Good for you and your sd! I hope things continue to work in your favor:)
Candice
Must be some kind of karma
That she is so distressed with his behaviour and so quickly! I can't believe that our BM hasn't needed a babysitter yet and decided that she should talk SS into coming back. But that is probably because DH's family can now be the babysitters for her, which is exactly why we didn't want them to see him just now.
As far as summercamp goes, tell her that if she finds one suitable, you will be happy to pay half, but I wouldn't find one and I wouldn't put money up front for it. Stick to your original decision and just because she isn't handling things right now doesn't mean you guys are gonna jump in and save her!! What has she ever done for you? She has made her bed with this boy and his behaviour, tell her to sleep well!!
Catch xx