Not Sure How To Handle This
Background: I've been completely separated from DH's kids since Feb 2018, the date of the final disgusting act that pushed me over the cliff, after 12 years of dealing with toxic and crappy behavior from (now) 5 adults, ranging from 27 - 42 (current ages). It's been a tough 3+ years for me, filled with depression, stress, counseling sessions, arguments with DH and a lot of self-reflection, seeing how I was complicit in what I let happen to me emotionally (just trying to make the blend happen). I'm happy to say my life, physically and mentally, are much better, which brings me to my "issue."
One of my boundaries was that DH takes calls from his kids without me present. When they ring in, I walk away to give him privacy. Calls that came in while we were in the car were ignored and returned later. A few months back a call came in while we were driving and DH (being an arse that day) decided to take the call via speaker. I was very uncomfortable as I believe their conversations should be private and I made sure she knew I was present (said something to DH) so she would be aware. I said nothing to her. She used a few "inclusive" words to include me but I ignored.
Now, DH has come to me and said she was wanting to tell me hello but was cognizant of my boundaries, so did not. She told DH she felt that was very disrespectful on her part (not acknowledging someone); I disagreed and said, for once she's honoring my boundaries. As for her not wanting to disrespect me, this is just BS. She's been doing that for years and KNOWS she's done it, as I'd spoke with her many times about her behaviors (very much a mini wife).
The woman lives 2400 miles away, so a speaker call is the only contact I would have with her. (They never visited their dad when they lived local, let alone now). She has been a complete biotch over the years, teaming up with her mom and older brother to give us double duty PAS and toxic crap to deal with. And even as recent as my birthday last year (DH has coerced me into being okay with a Happy Birthday greeting from her and one other kid, which, par for the course, neither did. Didn't bother me as I knew it was just going to be another "punch" so I was prepared and I actually laughed when DH expressed his hurt and anger. What did he expect?? LOL
So, what to do if this happens again? Say hello or do I just tell DH to leave things "as is." I am all about people changing - I know I have - and I want to offer grace when it's needed. I'm just not seeing it in this situation. And while I am a good person, forgiving and loving, I also need to be aware of the purposeful hurt she and her siblings did to me constantly over the years and the damage it caused me. One thing I've learned....forgiveness does not equate reconciliation. We can forgive but still stay apart from those who hurt us, especially when no change is seen.
I've learned so much from this board in the short time I've been here; it's helped in my recovery so I do value everyone's thoughts. Just wish I'd found this board 10 years ago.