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I can't stand to even look at or hear SD right now.

c-mom's picture

So, first let me start off with some history about SD 13 who has slight mental disabilities (Basically she just has a very low IQ and speech impediment). She is always hanging all over anybody who will let her which was, at first, only annoying. I didn't see any real problem with it, just thought she was really clingy. We started to try to curb this behavior but didn't see any harm in it so we didn't go all out and tell her she isn't allowed to hug people. Just taught her who was an appropriate person to hug (family, close friends, etc) But then I started noticing things like her sneaking around trying to peek when her brother or dad are getting dressed or if they go pee camping, she will try to watch. Then, shortly after we got custody of the kids (and I mean within two weeks) she stayed the night with her grandmother and great grandmother and slept in GG's bed, as always. GG has had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side. GG woke up to SD molesting her. One hand in her shirt, and one hand in her underwear, groping her. Then not too long after that there was an incident at school when her class was at recess at the same time as the pre-school and she went over and yanked a 4 year-old up off the ground by her arm and slammed her back to the ground. Last year, she got notes sent home a couple times saying she was sneaking around to watch the aids change the diaper of a boy who is paraplegic. Then at the beginning of this school year she got a note sent home stating that she had tormented one of the children on her bus to the point that he would not even speak and all they could find out was that she kept calling him a psycho retard over and over but I think she had to have done more because he was found cowering in the back corner of the bus. If she has a chance to speak to a very small child or someone she deems inferior of her, she treats them like puppets. Here is the current issue.... My brother, sister-in-law, and 4 year-old nephew just moved here from out of state so I am spending a lot of time with them. A couple weeks after they moved here, my sister-in-law went outside to call SS and nephew in and couldn't find the children. She called their names 5 times out of all three doors and then came to check if they had slipped inside. SS had, but nephew and SD were not in here. Her and I went back outside and SD and nephew were coming from the side of the house and nephew was pulling up his pants. So, SD was told she was no longer allowed to be anywhere alone with him. If he was outside without adults, she was to be inside. If he was playing in her room, the door was not to be closed. Well, a few days later she talked him into going into her closet with her and I caught her. So she was told she was not allowed to be anywhere alone with him. The other day, however, he somehow ended up in her room with her and her door was open. DH was sitting right outside the door with SS and SD and nephew got quiet so he peeked around the corner to see what was going on. They were laying on her bed and he couldn't tell what was going on so he got up and snuck up on them and she was in fact touching and kissing my nephew. She is fucking sick and I can not take it anymore. I told him we are no longer going to live together and now my dream of having a child is gone because I cannot possibly keep her away from a child that lives in the same house as her so it would be like feeding my own child to a wolf. They will not allow her to get counseling and we have tried everything else we know of. What do we do?

Comments

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Are you freaking kidding me!! Report her. She is a predator and an abuser. I don't care how old she is. She knows it is wrong and is getting pleasure from abusing. DO NOT COVER UP for her. Move your ass out of there and report her ASAP. The fact that she is not watched 100 % around children is very troubling too. You and your DH are not being responsbile adults in this case. omg.....

c-mom's picture

We watch her like a hawk. You don't know how sneaky she is so until you are in the position and can say you can do a better job, or at least KNOW that we are not trying then shut it. Now, when children are over she has to sit on the couch or wherever I am and is only allowed to get up with permission. How much more responsible can you get? I still have a house to run. I do my best but I am not a prison ward. But... Since i can't follow her around every second, now she gets to follow me when there are kids around. I can't do anything about the school, i have tried. They don't care and won't let me homeschool. And she is not allowed to go anywhere. So please, tell me how we are being irresponsible?

c-mom's picture

I guess so. I felt I had been responsible in communicating how she is with my brother and his wife and asking everybody to keep an eye on her when they were here. I guess not. SO... just one more reason for me to want to puke at the sound of the little devil-child's name. She once again just gained EVEN MORE control over my life. Haven't seen my brother for years, he just quit his job and moved 1785 miles across the country so that he could be near me again, and now I can't see him because of this sick thing that is my husband's daughter. I think she should be the one that has to leave. I think she should be committed.

Iwillkeepthecats's picture

Hi
I am very new here and in fact this is the first time I have said anything. Your SD sounds like she is very disturbed to say the least.
I'm just curious about who 'they' are when you say she is not allowed counseling?
That sounds like someone is trying to hide something or not give a professional the chance to find anythnig out. This child needs serious help.
I am so sorry you have to be in this situation.
Junior Sex Offenders (JSO's)are almost always victims and are extremely dangerous.
It's good that you are so aware of her behavior and are protecting your nephew from this.

One suggestion might be an annonymous call to the child protection services that might force her to be allowed counseling. IDK. This is a very sticky situation.

c-mom's picture

I meant to explain that but I am so pissed I forgot to explain. Because she is developmentally disabled and under 15, regular counselors wont see her. They say we have to go through mrdd (mental retardation development something) which is through her school. We have talked to everyone at the school and they just keep putting us off.

AngeLily's picture

Contact the district office and tell them to either help get this rolling or you will be in touch with cps and your lawyer. If they aren't helping, they are part of the problem.

doll faced sm's picture

OP,
Since you and your DH reporting her is doing no good:

1) Call and report this *specific* incident, and record the phone call. I know you said it does no good, but in this case, it's a cya move.

2) Encourage your brother and sil to call the police and file charges immediately. They may have made a report, but there's no way they've filed charges; your SD would be in either juvie or a mental health facility.

I would guess they haven't filed a report because they are afraid of harming their relationship with you and their new brother-in-law. Make sure they know that you will not allow whatever the fall out is from this to disrupt your relationship. Once SD is in state custody, they will make sure she gets the help she needs to include follow-up care.
You also need to get help for *you*! You need someone to talk to who can maybe help you come to terms with the fact that if you stay w/ your husband, you will never be able to have children. Beyond that, this situation is going to be trying for you, and it may help to have someone (besides DH, who is undoubtedly under just as much stress) to fall back on for support when you're at your wits end.

c-mom's picture

Thank you for actually providing me some advice instead of just attacking me for having a sick SD.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

It sounds to me like she was molested herself & now acts it out onother children!!!! She needs SERIOUS counseling- like NOW!!! Call her Dr- get her to a psychiatrist!!!!!!!

She needs to NEVER be alone. NEVER!!!! Get her help!!!!!!!! Who's keeping her from a therapist? Sounds like people have things they are hiding!!!!!!!!!!!!!

c-mom's picture

She was when she was six by her moms uncle and we suspect she was again right before we gained custody when she was at herher moms house by the crack whores nasty inmate boyfriend but e can't prove it. But i was molested by my dad and brother my whole childhood and raped by my friends older boyfriend at 13 and I have never hurt anybody. It is no excuse. I got ahead of myself and didn't explain what is keeping her from counseling. I commented with explanation in response to the second comment. This whole situation and everybody involved is really infuriating and I feel like my hands are touted behind my back on this one.

c-mom's picture

Please read my explanation on the second comment. We have been trying for over a year to get her professional help. I'm about to lose it. I don't know what else to do.

c-mom's picture

I have done all of these things. In my angry haste i left that most important part out. I feel like I'm against a brick wall. Please read my previous comments and let me know if you have any more ideas?

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

You say you have done all these things.

1. What did the police say? Did they just say - get her in counselling - see you later????

2. What did CPS say?

You have NOT done all these things. You need to do them now. Please listen to all the posters and do what you should do legally and morally.

Oh and by the way, losing you DH over this might be the best thing that ever happened to you. He obviously dropped the ball on this girl a long time ago. Sounds like a loser.

c-mom's picture

Yes they sure did! And yes I have. I'm sorry, are you some kind of practicing psychic because you need more practice. The police said they couldn't do anything if GG or gma were not willing to press charges, which they weren't. DFS referred me to counseling and told me that they do not handle stuff like that (they are a bunch of fat lazy-asses who just take up seats in an office somewhere) and that just started the cycle all over again. Let me tell you how lazy the DFS is here in Alabama. I called 4 times to report BM cooking meth around the children when she had custody of them. Every time they told me there was nothing they could do unless she got high, and went out and got in a car accident with them in the car and they got injured. And the police couldn't be bothered to even check the place out. And I agree that DH didn't put enough effort into making sure things were done around his home that should have been done, but I honestly believe that he did not know what all was going on. He owns a business and works sun up to sun down and had a wife who was just dropping her kids anywhere and everywhere so she could run around cheating on him and doing drugs. When he finally woke up to everything that was going on he divorced her ass and fought until he had complete custody of his children and he has been trying to fight the system for her ever since. SO... How is he a loser exactly? Most men wouldn't give a crap, they would just be happy to be able to be out at bars getting in different womens pants every night.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

wow. I am surprised and sorry to hear this. I don't know what else to say.... This is the saddest and most troubling thing I have heard. Perhaps if you go to counselling for yourself they can give some advice on the situation and help you get her the help she needs. Just a thought. Good luck.

c-mom's picture

This is the saddest and most troubling thing I have ever gone through in my life.And like I said, I didn't have an easy childhood. I am losing all faith in our justice system and humans in general. That is why I posted. I'm not dumb, I have just exhausted all of the resources that I can think of and none of them are willing to help. I just don't know what to do. Was hoping someone would know where else to turn shy of buying a big cage and locking her butt in it. Which is basically what our house is. I sat up crying all night last night at the reality of how cruel our world can be.

c-mom's picture

Please see my new comments above. I accidentally left all of that info out because i am so angry i can't see or think straight. I'm seeing red I'm so furious.

c-mom's picture

"they" are: counselors, dfs, and the schools and mrdd. I'm sorry I got ahead of myself and did not explain this. Bm is a non existent crack whore and dh and i have gone to every professional we know to go to and half don't care and the other half are limited by idiotic laws. Please see my comments above. We don't know what else to do.

StickAFork's picture

Has SD's IQ ever been tested?

Sometimes, when the IQ is low, the person is relegated to basic, primal instincts, and lacks the "reasoning" ability to handle them...

c-mom's picture

It its tested every year and yes it is very low. But shouldn't there be some sort of resource for us? The "resources" that are supposed to help her are just sitting back with their feet up taking in the dough. They don't really care about the well being of these children or the people in their lives. Just like our justice system. It is job security to ignore the issues that can be ignored. I don't know how to help her our how to force them to do their jobs. I feel helpless.

c-mom's picture

Unsupervised? Besides at school, she never leaves our house anymore since all of this came about. She did this literally five feet behind my husbands back and the first incident she snuck out of the house to do it. She is supervised like we are prison guards but I have a house to run. I can't sit and stare at her 24/7. But since this last incident, now when or if we have company she has to stay right by my side or dh's. I'm just pissed that the mrdd and dfs are keeping us from solving the problem by getting her professional help. I don't know where else to turn. And don't get me started on the school which i tried to take her out of. They wouldn't allow it.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Call CPS and the police - they cannot by law ignore the problem. It WILL be addressed and quite promptly too! Noone can stop the ball once you start it rolling. I am sorry if I sounded harsh but this is a very scary / serious situation that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. It doesn't sound like you have called either the CPS or the police, so I might suggest you do that first. Forget about the school helping - they are useless when it comes to serious issues. They just want the problem gone or ignored. Good luck.

c-mom's picture

They can't, I know they can't, but they do. That is my problem. DFS refers me to counseling saying they don't deal with stuff like that, counselors are bound by stupid laws until she is 15. MRDD has full control and refuses to do anything. The police can't do anything if nobody is willing to press charges. Gma and GG wouldn't press charges on their grand daughter. And as far as my nephew goes, the police don't care because she was only kissing him and touching him on his stomach. That apparently is not sexual abuse. So, how do I make them all do their jobs?

AngeLily's picture

Mental health services are difficult to come by, especially in "special " circumstances. My advice is continue to hound every agency and service in your state and research to find a lawyer that handles cases regarding developmentally disabled people being denied care or services. You are handling a difficult situation on top of an already difficult situation. Be sure to get counseling for yourself also or the frustration may be more than you can stand. I wish you much luck.

c-mom's picture

Oh trust me, I have had just about all I can stand. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my husband over all of the frustration and tension in this house and my feelings toward his psychotic daughter and ex wife.

whatwasithinkin's picture

"Has SD's IQ ever been tested?

Sometimes, when the IQ is low, the person is relegated to basic, primal instincts, and lacks the "reasoning" ability to handle them..."

For a brief time years and years and years ago I worked at a center that did factory work and only hired mentally disabled from the ages of 18 to 25. I did a couple of shifts near the holidays to help a friend of mine supervise them.

One of the first things she told me was about their "hyper" sexuality. VERY comman in the mentally handicap. You had to watch them constantly, they would sneak out behind the buildings, in the bathrooms, you name it.

I have read alot of the responses, but I dont think I have seen anyone ask, have you contacted her pediatrician? Maybe some more percise testing and a more precise diagnoses needs to be explored for SD. I think this may be a larger scale problem.

I would seek at least a conversation with her ped immediatly. Not to mention they can help you with finding resources

c-mom's picture

Thank you. I had not thought to talk to her medical Dr. about it. I just went straight for trying to get her psychological help.

sasha101's picture

What a terrible situation to be in, I really feel for you. Like others have said, it definitely sounds like she's been abused herself and has turned into a sexual predator who targets people who are weaker than her and unable to defend themselves. That said, there is never any excuse to abuse and she is a very dangerous abuser who will continue abusing until something is done.

I live in the UK so our system is probably a little different. I get what you're saying about the school and authorities not taking it seriously, I know in the UK our "public" services are inadequate at best, and often non existent due to "lack of resources". I remember years ago I had a friend whose teenage son started taking drugs and became psychotic, aggressive and devious. She tried to get help from various sources like the doctor, the school, social workers, police etc and no one took it seriously. They deemed that he wasn't "bad" enough to be admitted to residential or psychiatric care and the police said they couldn't do anything as there was no proof he'd committed a crime. My poor friend was at her wits end as she had two toddlers who were living with their big brother's disturbing behaviour and she was terrified he would end up harming them. One day he broke into his friend's house and took the family dog for a walk and for no reason at all nearly beat the dog to death. The police were called and my friend absolutely refused point blank to have her son back in the house. She said he could no longer live at home because he was a danger to her, her little ones and the rest of the family, and she had to be very forceful as the social workers were trying their best to persuade her to have him back. It tore her in two and she found it very hard to do that to her own son, but at the same time she knew she had to protect the rest of the family and that forcing the authorities to do something was the only chance she might have of getting them to take notice and actually do something. They did take him into residential care and that's where he stayed till he eventually went to live with his father (my friend was divorced and remarried). She has always remained in touch with her son and tried to show him love and support as much as she could.

You cannot be expected to live under the same roof as this girl and if her own parents aren't prepared to act then you have to think about whether you can continue living like this. If you've tried reporting this to the authorities and they won't listen I don't know what else you as a step parent can do. You're not a prison warder and even though you're trying to watch her constantly, it's not humanly possible to have her in your sight every second of every day and this is no life at all for you. I can totally understand what you're saying about not daring to have your own kids with your dh because of his daughter, and I think you really have to decide whether you want to live the rest of your life this way, missing out on the chance of having your own children because of someone else's screwed up kid. You probably love your dh, but can you really face a lifetime of dealing with a sexual abuser??

ctnmom's picture

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: Your nephew's parents didn't file a police report?? At least where I live, if he goes to preschool and talks about the molesting incident, the teachers BY LAW have to report that to DFS/police. Then, it's a very real possibility nephew could be removed from thier home. You are all playing with fire. Also, if they reported, SD would get into the legal system and maybe get some kind of help. As another poster said, a crime has been committed. It's way past time to call DFS and the cops.

c-mom's picture

Oh trust me, I'm that woman that when DFS and the police hear my voice I'm sure they think, "Shit, it is her again." I don't know why people can't understand, the legal system is backing me in a corner here with their laziness and lack of concern.

Purplemom's picture

Get together all of your documentation, every record, every report and call the news. Make sure to highlight the fact that SD is a disabled victim who authorities refuse to help..... I guarantee you will have help coming out of your ears as soon as the school, DVDs and the cops get a call from the news station for comment.

c-mom's picture

I have already thought of that but that would then be a public embarrassment to my husband and even though my skin crawls at the thought of SD she is in fact mentally disabled. She is tormented at school badly enough just for looking and talking different. Do you know what the kids would do to her if they see her on the news for this? We just had a boy with spina bifida who was beat nearly to death by a boy just because he was a "retard". I don't want her to be able to hurt anybody, but I also don't want people to hurt her.

StarStuff's picture

I see that you've tried the school, police, DFCS...have you tried the CAC (Children's Advocacy Center) yet? Maybe they could get a ball rolling for yall since no one else has.

mama_althea's picture

I'm sorry you all are going through this. Can't you just take her to a therapist, either by making the appointment on your own or through a referral from her pediatrician? I'm sure you are very frustrated with the government agencies. We can't know what it's like to deal with them in your area. If you don't have health insurance, surely you can track down a psychologist or counselor's office who sets their fees on a sliding scale. I live in the middle of nowhere and we have this. I'm thinking once she is in with a professional, they will know how to work through all the appropriate agencies. If not, at least she will be getting some help in the interim.

c-mom's picture

No I can't. I've tried. There is, I guess, some law stipulating that until she is 15 (because she is mentally handicapped) her psychological care has to go through MRDD. My counselor would love to be able to see her but her hands are tied legally.

mama_althea's picture

So she couldn't even receive counselling for having been sexually abused or anyting else not related to being mentally handicapped? I guess I'd be pestering MRDD at least one time, possibly more, per day until I got results.

hismineandours's picture

The mr/ dd agency in your area has responsibility over her. I would start calling them daily and hounding them to get her services. Suggest that you will report them to whatever agency oversees them if the do not help this child who is victimizing others. I would have them look into a group home placement for her. Also you may be able to get her services at your local community health center if she also carries a mental health diagnosis, you can also call dfs and ask them to pick her up- well I guess that this something your dh would need to do- but tell them he cannot control her and they need to assume custody and find a placement for her.

c-mom's picture

I thought so as well. Mental Health agency also referred me to the MRDD. I don't know who is above the MRDD or I would definitely be making some waves.

mama_althea's picture

I'm feeling like finding this out and it's not even my life. Start googling there, c-mom.

Another thought...do you know any other parents of differently abled kids? Maybe they have someone they work with that can be your inroad...

HarleyQuinn's picture

I am so sorry you are going through all of this, how horrible for every person involved. Its awful that the 'proffesionals' are not helping and no doubt will not do anything until some worse happens. I agree with a few of the posts to get your brother and the granparent to make a call in and to press charges, its tough love for SD but how else can you help her when no one is listeneing/helping. What if she does this to someone out of the family, you as her responsible adult will be hld accountable and what if someone older messes with her even more than she has been already in her short life.
Its such a sad story but you need to look after your family and that includes her by getting the family members to report and press charges otherwise they are enabling this to carry on. You sound like a very strong woman to be dealing with this.
I dont know how to say this without sounding uncaring but if she is sectioned then i'm sure there is no reason for you not to have a child with DH, conditions will be that she cannot be allowed with minors anyways I'm sure and you should not hold your life back for someones issues you (or anybody) cannot control. Other people have done the damage to her, not you, you are helping her and seems like the only one thats taking action to do so, its a shame other in her life have let this happen to her. Good luck!!

c-mom's picture

Just one more little note. It is disgusting how much sexual abuse is present in the world. I believe sexual abusers deserve the death sentence.

ctnmom's picture

HAVE THE NEPHEW'S PARENTS FILE A POLICE REPORT. The authorities won't be able to ingore that, and it's in thier best interests to do so.