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BM now says that kids want to come to wedding and wants to know date. Do we tell her?

butterfly's picture

We are getting married in January and really want the kids to part of the wedding or to at least attend. when we got engaged she said she was happy for us. But when it came to engagement party which was a close family and friends day time bbq she wouldn't let them attend. Stating that the kids have no interest in our wedding. than with held access for 6 weeks. SD5 was really sad about not attending and was difficult on her first visit after. Saying she thought we didn't love her.

Now my so asked her if the kids are going to be able to attend and if so it what fashion because we would like to know in advance so we can get them clothes.and prepare them for any involvement. It took her aweek to reply asking the date and that yes the kids are happy enough to attend. My fiance didn't commit a date just said january next year. She than repied HA HA PLEANTY OF NOTICE..... Is this a trap don't want to get them excited to just have thier mum be vandictive and not let them attend or should we go along in hope that she wont back out. Can't help feeling it's a trap.

As if she dosn't know exact date she can't try to control us by with holding or demanding access on any whim like has been the case so far.


butterfly's picture

We are in the process of organising court orders. He works five days has five days off so at first he wanted it to flexible but it is only flexible on her part. he is reasonable and if she has family visiting from interstate he understands that they would like to see them.

He has drafted up a parenting plan many times asking for her feedback but she never responds. It's such a long winded process before you can even get into a court. When everything is fine and he is seeing kids regularly he gets slack and takes what ever days she's demending we have the kids he is than happy enough because he is seeing his kids and process stops. Than we have to start at the beginning again...... They have to go to mediation than if can't be resolved start court proceedings with in 3-6 months. Than things will be fine than all the crap starts again. Its mainly a control issue she tried having kids to keep the ralationship but she cheated and wouldn't accept his oldest son 12.

I know we need court orders in place as sometimes we never know if we are having the kids till last minute and we always do. but I can't do it for him

pat's picture

I vote no, just put her off untill the last week. I get bad vibes on this. We are in the same boat. Our wedding is on a Friday and I don't have visitation on that day. So, she can say no. I just told my kids that I will try to get them there. So, this way it is not a yes or a no. Bms can be very hurtfull to kids like PAS . I know you want them there,but, always caution when dealing with a ex. They are a ex for a reason !

LizzieA's picture

I agree. But I do think your BF needs to finalize the orders. Don't back off because she is being reasonable for a while. You will have this see saw until they are 18 otherwise.

Don't tell her the date!!! Go with your gut. Withholding visitation for six weeks because you got engaged? She will do the same right around your wedding just to try to ruin it.

MamaBecky's picture

This is so sad for the kids. When my H and first got together he hadn't had visitation with his oldest daughter in about 2 years. He had only seen her for very short visits at his ex's house. We started EOW visitation with her again about 10 months before our wedding. She knew we were getting married, that all was planned and that she was being invited but she was not going to participate in the wedding. We weren't even positive at the time her mom would let her go because it was not on our weekend. She also knew that H's other daughter would be in the wedding and with us. A cpl of months before the wedding when I saw her listening in intently on the last minute plans she just looked so sad. She told me nothing was wrong but I knew. I asked her then if she wanted to be in the wedding. She said yes. I immediately called and ordered her dress and let her be my special junior brides maid. I am so glad I did it. I think she would have resented our marriage more if she would have felt excluded. Kids want to feel involved and a part of the big things that happen in our lives even if they act like they don't. If they cant go because their BM is so selfish that she doesn't see it will be important for her kids to be there then at the very least record the hole thing to watch when you have them on their next weekend with you. Have your H, his family that attends, and even yourself make a few comments casually about how you wish they were there..and that this day is wonderful but would be so much better if our kids were here. When they watch that video when they are older they will know that although you wanted them there they couldn't go because of BM.

butterfly's picture

Thank you for your advice so far especially mummabecky. That is a great idea about the video taping. I do fear that the kids not being allowed to come will hurt our marriage initially and down the track. Especially since my fiance never will utter a bad word to the kids about the mum. Which I support him with but I totally disagree on taking the blame if it happens that way I think if they are held back on the day they should know who wouldn't let them come......

butterfly's picture

Hi old Dart I appreciate your point of view. That is the problem I care about the children and just want them to feel apart of our new family. I also don't want hem to be hurt. my fiance even asked them at a family meeting how they would feel if I was a permanet fixture and that he was planning on marrying me.

I don't know wheather i should tell the mother that I'm not trying to replace her and that I feel that it's important for the children to most definately be at wedding at least and I know know sd5 really wants to be in the bridal party.

Since she has said that they can come and wants to know date can i start to let her be involved like sticking stamps on envelopes picking flowers and see what happens from there? surely her mother wouldn't want to break her heart if she gets her knickers in a twist over something else between now and than. were your kids allowed to attend? Or did you just demand it we have tried to make sure that the wedding is schedualed on a weekend we are supposed to have kids but that dosn't mean anything....