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Need help with drawing a big boundary with my mom, please!

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My trip is still a ways away, but since this realm of boundaries to protect my DD is new, I feel like I need to figure some things out in advance so when the time comes to implement the boundaries, I am well-versed and confident.

I need to tell a short story about some cousins of mine, because I feel it relates and is telling with how my mom will feel/take my boundary.

I brought up paternity, without beating around the bush!

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After a few days to process, DH brought up the email BM sent him. We were talking about how it is silly to ask them for help with SS because they never help and it only gives them satisfaction and makes things worse. He actually came up with that this time, which I was impressed by. He told me that he has no idea where that email with the PDF record of his payments to BM came from, but that "she obviously sent it to be a bitch, and to let me know that all she cares about is me giving her money." Another proud moment.

I wrote my mom about not staying with her

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I sent the e-mail almost three days ago. She ALWAYS responds to my e-mails within a day MAX. Here is what I said:


I know when we've spoken you've offered for DD and I to stay with you when we come home in May. I haven't responded clearly when you've offered because I wanted to think things through, and us discussing the car situation made me want to write you.

Evicting BM's latest from my head via this post--money-hungry bia!

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So SS tells DH he doesn't want to talk to him anymore. DH speaks with SF about it, asking SF to speak with SS and try to figure out why SS said it/to help change things since we're overseas and can't. SF says he'll speak with BM about it. DH tells SF that he wrote BM about SS's attitude last week and received no response.

DH gets an email from BM this morning.

It was a PDF of the log she is keeping of all of the money he pays her. She wanted him to have it for his records. :O

Mom is pushing me to stay with them when I go home

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I swear, this lady just can't stop! We try to Skype with her twice a month so she can see DD, and every time she tells me that there is a room waiting for us at her house. Thing is, I don't want to stay there. My brothers come and go as they please, and I would never ask my mom to ask them to not come to the house while I was there, but I don't want to be in a situation where I am at the house with DD and they show up.

CO & paying for college -- grade provision

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Some of you suggestion to have a grade provision added to the CO with regard to paying for college.

How does that work? Would that mean that SS pays for his classes up front and he is reimbursed if he makes the grade? How would you trust that they would reimburse you? Or is it that if they get lower than whatever the grade provision says, you stop paying altogether for good?

DH thinks BM is going to support him/co-parent with him

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We are in therapy and one of our homework assignments was to chart the four biggest stresses in each of our lives, and discuss them. One of DH's was his relationship with SS. Since we do not discuss SS anymore, this was kind of awkward because the chaplain basically told us that we have to at least try to converse about it.