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Stood up to my mom and it felt SO good!

bulletproof's picture

At DD's 6 month check-up, we told her ped about our upcoming trip back to the states to visit family. He brought up pertussis and how it's coming back because older people haven't had a booster and therefore are carriers. Babies contract it, and that can be really serious. For us, it shows itself as a cold basically, but for them it frequently leads to hospitalization and death. He strongly encouraged us to inform our family and friends of this and to encourage them to get a booster if they wish to be close to our DD.

I text my mom first to ask about her and my dad. She said she'd look into it and would ask her parents also. I thanked her, and said that I would be emailing everyone (we have too big of a family to contact them all directly via Skype/phone to ask) about it. She said, "You can't expect all relatives to do that" which, in her language, means that I have no right to tell people about this and ask them what I planned to ask. I was pretty irritated, because last I checked I'm a 27 year old woman and mother who is well-educated and has every right to protect my child and express my thoughts, opinions, and hopes, which is all I had planned to do anyhow.

So I responded with, "Nope, but I can tell them that they are not to hold DD, kiss her, hug her, etc. I'm her mother, and it's my job to protect her." She went silent for a few minutes and then said "I know. I will check with my parents and let you know what they say."

Maybe, just maybe, she will realize that she has no control over me someday.


aggravated1's picture

I have never heard of this before. Getting your child immunized, and then wanting everyone your child comes in close contact with to have a booster????

And CAN'T expect everyone to get this done. It might even be dangerous for some of your elderly family members. I would never expect my family to jump through the kind of hoops that you expect your family to jump through. Why are you even bothering going to see them? It's exhausting.

bulletproof's picture

"The vaccine that the elderly were given years ago has likely worn off and is no longer effectively protecting the individual."

^^Exactly! That's what I meant, and that's exactly what her doctor said. If their whooping cough is showing as a cold--even just a mild one, we know no different. And since it isn't protecting them effectively any more, them getting a booster would help them and my DD, as well as any other babies they come in contact with. All of the grandkids are freshly married/engaged/will be married within a few years/have infants/are pregnant, so this would be good for all of the currently alive, currently baking, and future babies.

aggravated1's picture

How are you going to handle this, have everyone give you a copy of their shot records?

overworkedmom's picture

You are your child's mother and can do whatever you want to make sure you feel she is safe. This is your first child and everything is terrifying at this point. I get it. There are however hills to die on and others you let things go. If this is a battle you want to fight, so be it. Mine had to do with smokers. If a person in my family smoked I would not let them hold my kids because the smoke was in their clothes. I didn't care if the cigarette was in hand or not. If they smoked they weren't touching my babies.

askYOURdad's picture

Mine was hand washing/sanitizer. I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she came to the hospital and I told her to wash her hands before she could hold the babies. (ummm hello, you just walked through a freaking HOSPITAL!)

arjuna79's picture

On the one hand, your daughter's risk is much higher sitting in that incubator of an airplane as you fly back and forth, given the preponderance of the unvaccinated masses (and perhaps this is the greater perspective of your pediatrician).
On the other hand, why diminish yourself to have to use an extreme excuse like this simply to assert yourself as your daughter's protector?
Set the ground rules and that's that. Grow up and step away from needing permission from your toxic "mother." Protect your daughter - or you're perpetuating your mother's abuse.

bulletproof's picture

The great thing is that since we're military, we get to fly on a military aircraft for free. The people who are on board that plane are 95% AD members, because they go between CONUS and OCONUS locations, and most of those AD members are on their way to or from deployments or TDYs. They are REQUIRED to be up to date. Most dependents are also up to date, from what I have experienced. So the flight isn't nearly as concerning as a commercial flight would be.

Regardless, I think you're spot on with the asserting myself as her mother and not perpetuating my mother's abuse. That's what I was so proud of myself for Smile

tryingmom's picture

My nephew is just a year old, when he was 3 months old he had pertussis. His pediatrician only had the shots for Medicaid patients, not insured patients, so my nephew missed his shot. That was a sick baby! Hospital stay for a week. All the adults around him got a booster, it is important! When you get a tetanus shot ask for a DTaP shot, that has the pertussis booster in it.

Jsmom's picture

I have had the booster because I had pneumonia a few years back and my doc recommended it since they suspected since I got pneumonia that progressed from an upper respiratory infection. My lung capacity is an issue, so I am susceptible to these things. Healthy otherwise. My doc has been recommending it to everyone. BS19 had the booster when he went and got his physical for college. Seems like they are doing it for anyone that may be at risk.

As an adult we can fight it, a child can't and it is becoming an issue, but not one we can mandate in others.

I also, would hope that seniors would also get the Pnuemmonia vaccine.

I hope your parents would do it, but I doubt they will see the urgency. As for other family members, I don't think you can ask this. I really think you have to stop putting so many conditions on this trip. You are making it harder on yourself. Make sure the baby has the vaccines and is up to date and if someone is hacking, they don't hold the kid. Best you can do.

ltman's picture

It is way over the top to ask relatives to pay for the privilege of meeting your kid via a vaccine. Aren't you up to date with her vaccines? She should have had three of the 5 doses by now. You're more likely to catch stuff in the plane.

Is there an outbreak going on? This isn't standing up to your mom, this is putting another obstacle in the way of your visit with your family.

moeilijk's picture

Whoa, backlash much!?

If bullet tells all her family that they can only see DD if they get the booster, so what? Not even sure that's what she was saying, but if that is the case, so? If it's too much to ask for tons of people, then they don't see DD. That's on them. And if bullet has received medical advice suggesting that stipulating the booster is in DD's best interest, what mother would overrule that - thus putting her kid's life on the line - just so that Great-Aunt Mabel can coo at DD?

And that issue is completely separate from bullet's issues with her mom. On that one, bullet didn't let what her mom thought dictate what she does. So good on her.

moeilijk's picture

True. I don't know whether, factually, bullet's ped is on the money or a scare-mongerer. But I also think that if bullet wants to insist that everyone who comes in contact with DD wear a foil-covered football helmet and Hammer-pants, she has that right.... as unreasonable as it is. If she then posts about how no one came to see DD, or if they showed up with store-brand foil instead of name-brand... I don't think she'll get much sympathy. lol!

bulletproof's picture

The immunization schedule is actually adjusted for children of AD members stationed where we are because the illnesses vaccines protect against are different here--some of them are more common than others, so those shots are given earlier, for example. Child birth is different here, also. They don't do vitamin K shots or Hep B shots at birth, nor do they put erythromycin on their eyes like is common practice in the states.

DD is protected because she vaccinated, but she won't be fully immunized when we return. This actually is more common to request than you think, and that's because of the outbreaks and the high number of people who refuse to vaccinate. A "Moms Group" I belong to has several thousand people in it and I can't tell you how frequently this is brought up and how many people have done this or plan to do it once their child is born. Most of my mom's side of the family did receive this booster when my cousin's daughter was born just a few months before my DD, because of this very reason.

What moeilijk said at the end of her comment is the part that felt good.