My mom and her "perfect family" dream
For those who don't know, my brothers were both abusive to me when I was growing up (one was physical, the other was more verbal/emotional). My mother blamed me for all of it, among other things she did (like tell me I was a slut when I was 12). I haven't spoken to either of them in years. They were not invited to our wedding. I have forgiven them, but I will not subject myself to their abuse any longer. If they changed, that'd be a different story, but they haven't and have shown no signs of changing (I have tried to reconcile with them during the time we haven't spoken).
Anyhow, my mom has tried to guilt me into letting them back in, she has tried not talking to me, she threw a tantrum at our wedding shower and at our wedding...she's tried everything...or so I thought.
See, despite what she's done to me during my life, I don't want to rob my daughter of the opportunity to have a relationship with her. If I did, that would be a form of PAS (IMO), and that's wrong. I talk to my mom more often now that DD is alive, but I keep her at arm's length. We e-mail, mostly about DD, and I send her pictures of DD and random voice texts.
EVERY SINGLE TIME that I do ANY of those things, she somehow links it to a story about my childhood and throws out random memories of my brothers and I. Most times, whatever we're talking about with regard to my DD has NOTHING to do with these memories. And most of the time she tells me ones that paint my brothers in a good light; the other week she reminded me that my older brother and I used to stand on my bed and sing Michael Jackson when I was like 2 and he was 5 or 6. Today it was a memory of my younger brother. The other day it was a memory of my younger brother and I. I could seriously send her a picture of my DD in her stroller and she would say, "That reminds me of the time when you were two and you and your brother went swimming at grandma's neighbor's house. He thought you were so funny because you didn't have a bathing suit and swam in your underwear!"
It's really annoying. And for the last couple of years I've taken a silent stance on all of this; I learned that trying to reason with her and get her to understand that she can't force things on me doesn't work. But right now, I'm SO tempted to respond with, "Mom, I get that you have good memories of your children when they were little. Please hang onto those, because they're precious. But please don't think that just because I have a daughter means that I'm going to allow my brothers to treat me how they always have. I've tried countless times to let them back in and they prove time and time again why I keep them out. Just let it go and let life be how it will be."