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More Ah-ha! moments, brought to me by Divorce Poison.

bulletproof's picture

Today I read the chapter titled "Malignant Motives." It outlined all of the reasons parents begin to manipulate. Surprising, the most interesting section was not the one that detailed how and why bio parents alienate children from stepparents (NOTE TO POSTER WHO ONCE TOLD ME THAT PAS NEVER HAPPENS TO STEPPARENTS---It is addressed in detail in this chapter of the book. It is super common!) The most interesting section was the one about bio parents that act out of rage.

It says that one of the parents can't get past the fact that they are no longer with the other parent. For the sake of me not typing the word parent 800 times, I'll use BM and DH to explain what the book says.

So, BM initiated the divorce, but she's actually the one who can't get over the fact that she's not with DH anymore. She tries and tries to have a passionate relationship with him, and unfortunately for DH, SS7, and I, she was successful once. But then, DH wrote her off and married me. She finds out about our marriage, which the book labels as a trigger to her starting to alienate. This is where her alienating SS7 against me came in (and looking back--the timeline is dead on for when she found out and when she started alienating).

BM also began to see that DH wouldn't speak to her, see her, give her any of his time. She realized a passionate relationship wasn't going to be a possibility ever again. So she thinks to herself, "Okay, ex-DH. If I can't have your love, I'll get your attention. I'll do whatever it takes to insert myself in your thoughts and in your life. I'll get you to feel strong emotions toward me, even if they aren't loving ones."

The book actually parallels these people to children who misbehave to receive negative attention because they need attention THAT badly. LMAO!

It goes on to provide examples, and provides a checklist, all of which DH and I together checked off for BM. She stalks, she shows up at places she knows DH will be at (practices for SS7 that aren't on her days--she never used to go to these but started a few months back, etc.), she tries to initiate contact, she acts erratically, she revisits and announces her desire to reconcile with DH frequently but her actions say different.

DH and I looked over this together and decided that he shouldn't respond to her at all. We toyed with putting her in her place, but she just wants his attention. The book says that if these people don't get the attention by these so-called trivial measures, they turn to the courts to get it. I warned DH of this and he was anxious for a second, but then I said that I think if she tries pulling contempt of court nonsense and he isn't in contempt of court, that only will make her look stupid, unstable, and plain crazy and increase DH's chances of obtaining full custody of SS7.

What dya think?! Smile


DASKRA's picture

I think some of them left because they were not going to amount to anything in their eyes and if they find someone else to support them or go off to make something of themselves or are doing better then they are they are jelious. They want to make sure it doesn't look like they made the wrong choice in the matter. Plus women are just plain crazy.

friendorfoe's picture

I think you just described the past seven years of my life having to deal with BM #2. She didn't turn cruel until the divorce was officially over, meaning DH and I started officially getting serious. I'm going to have to get that book. I'm also going to check our timeline and see if it does match perfectly. unfortunately for us, BM #2 had succeeded in alienating the child from DH. Being we're a country apart has helped her. DH chose to stop giving her the attention awhile ago. She'd say she wanted him in the child's life, then take it back, repeat. After so many times of repeating, it hurt DH too much and he's become numb to the situation, putting all of his fatherly efforts into the child he can see daily.

Is there a chapter on the affects of a parent actually succeeding in 100% alienation? The affects on the parent? And the affects on the child when they find out the truth?

bulletproof's picture

I am only about half way through the book...things I have read said that the child needs to spend time with the alienated parent to combat it. That was the #1 suggestion. It says to lay out truths to the kids as long as it doesn't harm them tremendously. For example, this past weekend we took SS7 for a bit because BM had things to do. SS7 was mad and blamed it on us, so we candidly explained it was BM that asked us to take him. When he asked us why we told him that she said she had things to do...he got the point.

I will keep posting as the ephiphanies occur Smile