More Ah-ha! moments, brought to me by Divorce Poison.
Today I read the chapter titled "Malignant Motives." It outlined all of the reasons parents begin to manipulate. Surprising, the most interesting section was not the one that detailed how and why bio parents alienate children from stepparents (NOTE TO POSTER WHO ONCE TOLD ME THAT PAS NEVER HAPPENS TO STEPPARENTS---It is addressed in detail in this chapter of the book. It is super common!) The most interesting section was the one about bio parents that act out of rage.
It says that one of the parents can't get past the fact that they are no longer with the other parent. For the sake of me not typing the word parent 800 times, I'll use BM and DH to explain what the book says.
So, BM initiated the divorce, but she's actually the one who can't get over the fact that she's not with DH anymore. She tries and tries to have a passionate relationship with him, and unfortunately for DH, SS7, and I, she was successful once. But then, DH wrote her off and married me. She finds out about our marriage, which the book labels as a trigger to her starting to alienate. This is where her alienating SS7 against me came in (and looking back--the timeline is dead on for when she found out and when she started alienating).
BM also began to see that DH wouldn't speak to her, see her, give her any of his time. She realized a passionate relationship wasn't going to be a possibility ever again. So she thinks to herself, "Okay, ex-DH. If I can't have your love, I'll get your attention. I'll do whatever it takes to insert myself in your thoughts and in your life. I'll get you to feel strong emotions toward me, even if they aren't loving ones."
The book actually parallels these people to children who misbehave to receive negative attention because they need attention THAT badly. LMAO!
It goes on to provide examples, and provides a checklist, all of which DH and I together checked off for BM. She stalks, she shows up at places she knows DH will be at (practices for SS7 that aren't on her days--she never used to go to these but started a few months back, etc.), she tries to initiate contact, she acts erratically, she revisits and announces her desire to reconcile with DH frequently but her actions say different.
DH and I looked over this together and decided that he shouldn't respond to her at all. We toyed with putting her in her place, but she just wants his attention. The book says that if these people don't get the attention by these so-called trivial measures, they turn to the courts to get it. I warned DH of this and he was anxious for a second, but then I said that I think if she tries pulling contempt of court nonsense and he isn't in contempt of court, that only will make her look stupid, unstable, and plain crazy and increase DH's chances of obtaining full custody of SS7.
What dya think?!