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Didn't realize in asking for help, I'd be insulted and get my feelings stomped on.

Bubbly1's picture

:? I posted a forum topic a few hours ago and was in tears reading some of the responses.

If I was some gold digging Bm I could understand. I am not. I wish sometimes I were. Life would be much easier!

I went to college at 30 to get a degree in Medical Assisting. I graduated WITH HONORS. Fighting (literally) for every A. Fighting for a better life for me AND my kids. Away from our abuser. Only to be let go from my very first job because of the spinal damage done by my younger three kids dad. I was told by my doctor shortly after being hired by a hospital I couldn't lift more than 10lbs. There is no fix, it will never get better, only worse. Unacceptable in an emergency room setting. They fired me when I told my boss the news.

I left Ex2 and he left the state we were living in to move 8 hours away (moved back to hide under mommy's coat tail). He refuses to pay support or even communicate with his kids. The kids he insisted we have so we could be a family. I agreed because, like a fool, I thought it would make the abuse stop when we had babies in the house. It did not change a thing. Actually, made it worse.

Everything my kids have, ipod, cell phone's were gifts from their Nana and Great-Aunt, I wish I had the $$ to spoil my kids with these things. I do not. I have applied for disability. I hired a lawyer over a year ago. One that gets paid "only if you get money". They say it could be up to another year before I see anything. The bitch of it all is, I WANT to work. I've developed a severe depression not being able to do what I loved. I'm in therapy because of it.

I type from my bed, on a cell phone (because we can't afford a computer OR internet or even cable) propped up by several pillows. This is not the life I imagined 6 years ago when I went back to school. Being broken, stuck, trapped in my own body with no reprieve from any of it. Constant pain and a bottle of pain pills are my company during the day.
I do not mooch off my fdh. I never ask him for silly things like getting my nails done (I own a nail file), or my eyebrows waxed (I do that myself with tweezers) or anything that is not necessary. I would love to do these things. And some times my Mother does them for me because she sees the struggle I have to live with daily. Never, never do I ask or expect these things, nor do I feel like I deserve them. But, she is my mother and she insists we have a "girls day" every now and then.
Sorry for the vent, I just needed to get this out. For those that find it hard to believe any one could be disabled and not work.

Comments

3littlemonkeys's picture

Here:
http://steptalk.org/node/61188

Bubbly, I can understand what you're saying.
What I don't understand how a woman, with FIVE kids by two men, who is so disabled she lies in bed all day propped up with pillows (I heard laying around is the worst thing for a bad back) has time to DATE and get ENGAGED.

If you're bedridden, how'd you date?

Bubbly1's picture

I'm not bedridden, its the only way I'm comfortable when I'm home. Sitting in chairs for long periods is misery. I do fine while moving around cleaning what I can during the day. I am told by my doctor not to sweep, vacuum, or do dishes. The twisting motion involved with these chores make the inflammation and pain worse. I'm not supposed to do laundry either (but if I don't our clothes would be ruined, lol)

I have three ruptured disks in my cervical spine, three ruptured disks in my lumbar spine, degenerative disk disorder, arthritis of the spine, the curvature of my cervical spine is gone it is now straight which adds to the pressure. I also have severe muscle spasms in my neck and back. And nerve damage due to the disks being gone.

None of these things are visible. If you passed me on the street you would never know I have these problems.

I never have time to lay around ALL day. When I want to go online I prop up for a bit.

I was out with a girlfriend at a restaurant when fdh approached me. And he and I have no problem doing things (that don't cost much $$). Just because one asshole ruined my spine, I'm not gonna sit around and let it ruin my whole life!

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Seconded. Unless someone blatantly attacks me or twists my worfs around, I don't bother to clarify. Likewise I take the advice I think might be helpful, and leave the ones that aren't alone. I thank them, respond to anything that needs clarification, and move on.

In commenting on others posts, I don't let my personal feelings judge them, as everyone has their own situation that I may not be fully aware of, so I answer their question and move on, be it an opinion or a fact.

Don't take it too personally, it's not worth it.

Bubbly1's picture

Thanks Mazzy. I needed that! I have been kicking around the idea of modifying the cs order with ex1 because I haven't in 12 years. Even though I promised I wouldn't. Just wanted to know if I was justified or being bitchy? He misses payments all the time, makes partial payments, and as far as $$ is concerned he's a pita!

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Is this the question about your ex and CS? If so I think since he hasn't bothered to give you anything in the last couple months you are more then justified to ask for a modification. The first year my ex and I were apart we had a verbal agreement to what he would pay each month, I was told I was entitled to more but declined because that is what we agreed on. Now he pays more, I didn't ask him to, he just uses the online calculator and pays what it says he should, I've never argued with him about it but if he was having rough times or whatever and needed it decreased for a bit I would be open to discussion to work with him on it, and if he stopped paying altogether damn tootin' I'd have it modified. Bottom line is for years you accepted a certain amount (when you were probably entitled to more) but you are a nice person and did what was easiest for the both of you, now he isn't paying you at all, your children are entitle to that.

If it wasn't that thread, then sorry.

Doesnteatcrow's picture

Is a fusion an option? I had a disctomy 3 years and and lost 90% of the disc. I have 4 more discs that are bad but I Am happy with my surgeon

Bubbly1's picture

My oldest is almost 18 and he has his own place and a job. He's no longer living with me.

The stylist, was very understanding when I needed a break, to stand and stretch and move around every so often (which is why it took so long). Also, it was my vday gift from my mother (she paid for it).

Fdh and I use redbox $1 a movie. The food for vday was also fdh. The wine was a gift we got for christmas that we had saved FOR vday.

I can walk. I am not bedridden. I drive. When I'm online I prop up to make it more comfortable. I clean a little, take a break, clean some more, take a break. I can do normal things, I just need more breaks in between to rest my back.

I did go roller skating saturday. My Legs work fine. Its my neck and back that don't.

I've sent out over a thousand resumes to doctors offices, and any other position I think may be relevant to my training. When I go for a drug screen and the narcotics show up, they want to know why. I tell them why......no job. If it were that easy I'd have been working the last three years!

3littlemonkeys's picture

You have a minor child who lives on his own???

I'm sorry, but I'm starting to have a hard time with your story, and I was pretty sympathetic at first.

You can sit in a chair for hours for highlights and all...

You can sit and watch movies for hours...

You can rollerskate?

All this, but you CAN'T work???

How did you support yourself and your five kids before FDH came around?

Bubbly1's picture

I received a workers comp settlement after I was fired because of my disabilities. I scrimped and saved while I was working and had a tiny nest egg to live off of. I work for a friend in her office when she needs me to (which isn't often enough) I help my Aunt in her used car lot, when SHE needs me (which isn't often enough either) I work where I can, when I can. Like I've said, I don't work because I can't find anyone who'll hire me. Not because I don't want to work. I'd love a job, to be financially stable. Not waiting on social security to make a decision.

My older kids are 17 and 15 so they babysit when the need arises.

I was having dinner w/a girlfriend when fdh approached me. The first words out of my mouth to him were "I have 6 kids" to which he replied "Cool, I have two girls". I never hid it from him, from the very first conversation, he knew.

I was not allowed to leave the house for 9 years, have friends, DO anything. My mother does things for me because she saw the hell I had to live in for SO long she wants me to be happy. She also lost her son (my brother) in a fatal auto accident in April of 2009. So now she spoils me somewhat. I don't ASK for these things, she just does them! She is a single (never remarried after my father and her divorced) so she has no one to answer to but herself.

As I stated in the post about that vday incident, it was VERY out of character for them to behave that way. My children don't act that way all the time. They are usually loving, happy kids. Polite and well mannered. My daughter did call me those names, to her friend via text. Not to my face (not that it makes it any better). We usually have no problems getting along.

DaizyDuke's picture

I received a workers comp settlement after I was fired because of my disabilities

I don't understand this at all. You said that all of the injuries to your spine were caused by an abusive ex. That in no way, no how would qualify as a "worker's comp" case. You would have had to have been injured on the job. Trust me, my DH is a worker's comp case, got injured on his law enforcement job, so we live the worker's comp/disability life.

3littlemonkeys's picture

^^This^^
I read this and thought WTF??
How does an abusive ex who physically destroyed your back result in a worker's comp settlement? Was he also your employer??

If not, I'm beginning to think you're seriously working the system and aren't being fully honest about your situation. It sure sounds like you're plenty healthy enough to do the "fun" things you really want to do... ::shrugs::

Bubbly1's picture

As I stated above the stylist was very understanding and we took several breaks for me t stand a stretch and move around a bit.
and my legs work fine its my neck and back that don't. Had I fallen it could have been an issue, I did not. Am I supposed to stop living because I have a disability? Fear everything because it may aggravate my injuries? What kind of life would I have then? I may as well lay down and die.

Fdh and I have a tv/dvd in our room so we lay down to watch movies.

And as I've said to my therapist MANY times over, if just ONE doctors office would give me the opportunity.....I'd work. All they see is a drug screen, and the reason for those drugs to BE in my system.....and no job. I WANT to work. I have depression because I CAN'T FIND anyone who'll hire me. I'm a hard worker. I busted my butt when I was working. I've had people I've worked with tell me I need to come back because I was the best they'd ever worked with.

If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all! My life has been one bad thing after another. If I sat and thought about it all. I'd probably end my own life. (Hence the therapy) My fdh and my kids are THE ONLY good things to happen in my life.

So please don't judge, especially when you only know bits and pieces of my life. I could write a novel with all that's happened to me. I come here for advice or to vent. Not sympathy or pity. I get that in real life from friends, doctors, therapists. I don't like it. Nor do I want it. But yet, there it is. Every time I have to explain. The"pity look".

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Omg, I know exactly what you are going thru. Major HUGS!! i had a severe spine injury a few yrs back, fused completely from the neck to my tailbone. I feel so much for you. If you saw me in passing youd have no clue the pain i endure. I totally know how it feels, im ok for the most part in my day to day homelife, but I sure had to modify almost everything. Sadly my now ex couldnt handle all the stress of him now having to pay all our bills, and he left. Was sad at first but i lived & learned and moved on & later remmarried (im a attractive woman & give alot, yes us women who are disabled Do date lol).

Im young, was 27 at that time & had a 2 yr old too!! Social Security if course denied me & fought me for 3 yrs!!!!! It was because I had made too much money (in a job i loved big time & didnt want to not go bk to). I maxed out their pmt scale & when you do they fight you. I got an attorney, same as you. Went to court and within 5 minutes the judge turned off the mic & YELLED at the soc sec ppl!!!! Not only did they back pay me for the 3 yrs, but he kept his promise & i got it all in a week!!!

Im telling you all this, in hopes that you dont loose hope. Its a corrupt system!

I would take the steps to have his support modified, uou all need that to get thru!!!

Best of luck to you!!

Rags's picture

My FIL is on SS disability and still works. He has an income cap and he stays below that. His issue is a balance issue due to a stroke. He has also had both of his hips replaced ... twice as well as a multiple bypass.

He is an equipment operator and runs aggricultureal harvesting equipment so when he is sitting to operate he has no problems. It is standing and walking that are his issue. He will randomly fall over if he has to be on his feet for very long.

He was repeatedly denied SS disability for several years. They did not want to pay an attorney so my FIL and MIL did the process themselves. It took a while but they were ultimately successful though there were multiple rejections.

So, I understand some of what you are dealing with. My FIL is not bedridden and not completely incapable of working but what he can do is extremely limited.

As an employer of large work forces I also have to deal fairly regularly with drug screening issues with employees on Rx'd medications. I have only had to release a few over the years but have had to limit many others to work not requiring the use of complex equipment or machinery.

Hang in there. Hopefully the SS disability will come through soon or you will find a practice that will work with you so you can get back to the work you enjoy.

Bubbly1's picture

He is very near 18. And in our state 17 is considered an adult. He and a group of friends (some a couple of years older) have a small house they share rent and utilities on. He's a very smart kid and I trust him.

I also moved out on my own at his age. So I saw no problem in letting him do so.

Bubbly1's picture

Thanks, Nss. I have tried the state I'm in AND the state he's in (lovely Florida) neither has been any help! I'm at a loss as to what to do. If I could afford an investigator I'd have one in a minute! As things are its bare necessities and not much else.