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Another fabulous family event with SD15….long, long rant. But I feel better now.

brutallyhonest's picture

We haven’t seen much of SD15 since a blow up over her failing the 9th grade last spring. She occasionally graces us with her presence for a few hours at Christmas or birthday’s. These events usually trigger a post from me, though I read ST everyday.

Not having to do EOW visits has been great for me and my relationship with BF. Huge stress factor removed and life became simpler and easier—what a surprise. However, BF, MIL and FIL have had a rough year. Having the blinders abruptly removed from one’s eyes when it comes to SD15 is a painful process. SD15 rarely returns emails and almost never calls. She’s lately developed this annoying trick of arranging any visit directly with MIL and FIL and then leaving a message to let us know she will be a G-ma’s for Christmas at X time. I think she is doing this to avoid having any alone time with BF or me. She can’t be lectured or questioned about her grades or attitude at a family dinner right? And she can control the where and when. So she has avoided having ANY direct conversations with her father in nearly a year and only surface discussions in the few short family events she has come too.

I’m a little bit bugged with MIL and FIL that they let SD15 get away with this arranging-things-through-them crap. On one hand I know they are so worried about SD15 and the lack of contact that they just fall all over themselves when she decides to call and almost can’t help it. But on the other hand they have neutered BF even more by further eroding his ability to parent SD15. He doesn’t even have drive time now to talk privately with SD15. They have effectively let SD15 use them as a stop gap measure. I’ve tried to delicately tell MIL she needs to stop doing this and let BF be the interface with SD15 and BM, but apparently my message has not sunk in. BF won’t ever say anything to his mother that will upset her so I guess she will continue to keep his parenting balls in her purse. So onto why I’m currently bugged about SD15…

BF’s family is Irish Catholic and so the St. Patrick’s paradee is a family event. We always attend the parade wearing outrageous green outfits and then go to a pub for lunch. SD15 has been ignoring BF’s emails and phone calls since X-mas and we received a message last week from BM that SD15 was grounded from her computer and cell and to call BM or BM’s mom if we needed to reach SD15. BM is the type that just wants to be SD15’s friend and has never enforced rules or any type of structure, so given this call and what we know about SD15 of late, I can only assume she’s done something really bad that a punishment was actually put in place and that BM called to tell us.

Ok so I’m assuming no SD15 at the parade. She’s grounded right?! Yippee, the event will be more enjoyable for me. No SD15 trying to sit between me and BF, no asking for money to buy treats, no showing up without a jacket…. Alas it was not to be. We recieved a message late the night before the parade from MIL saying they were going to be picking SD15 up for the parade (read 2nd paragraph about interfering MIL taking away BF’s parenting role). Then message from SD15 saying she is going to the parade with MIL/FIL. GREAT! FANTASTIC! Like many of you I wanted to scream, don’t you people understand you are being worked by a 15 yr. old and don’t you know I NEED adequate time to PREPARE for having to interact with SD15?!?!?!!? 12 hours notice is NOT enough time!

I ask BF if SD15 will be spending the weekend with us? Answer thankfully is no and she won’t even be coming to the house either. I’ve just finished a several month long busy season at work (back to back to back 12 hour days, no joke) and this was literally my first free weekend and BF was blessedly tuned into the fact that a yes answer would END our relationship. I also reminded BF that I had a baby shower for my SIL and I needed to be home at a certain hour to make it to that event and this was planned in advance of SD15 sudden decision to darken my weekend with her presence.

So at the parade, we arrive to SD15 proclaiming we are late and that BF never answers her calls. No hi dad, I’ve missed you. Just you are late and you never answer my calls. I just about hit her, part of not having adequate time to prepare for her snottiness is that I have these thoughts and struggle not to act on them. BF PINES away for her calls and emails, but she never calls or emails. BF has been so abused by SD15 over the last year that I’ve just had it with her. Obviously SD15 is not the brightest bulb because I say, “gee you would think with the invention of caller ID and voicemail we would know if you had been trying to call and aren’t you grounded from your phone so how would you call anyway?” I think SD15 thought maybe we didn’t know about her grounding or wouldn’t announce it in front of the whole family, but I’m done hiding things and not saying things just because family is around. SD15 proceeds to be annoying for the entire parade. I could go on and on about her annoying behavior, but this post is already too long.

My favorite SD15 moment of the day occurred at lunch. The adults were enjoying lunch and a Guinness, SD15 is not engaging in the family conversation despite the fact she now only sees her father’s side of the family a few times a year. The pub was a bit dark inside and I could see a blue electronic glow coming from under the table where SD15 was doing something under the table.
So I say to SD15, “SD15, are you texting under the table?”
SD15: “no”
BH: “Oh, I could just see this blue glow under the table. Maybe you should check and see if there is something under the table.” (My voice all innocence)

At this point the entire table (BF, MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL) are all paying attention to the exchange.

SD15 now worried I’m going to look under the table and totally bust her says: “oh, it was probably just my phone.” Now holding up pink razor phone she has been texting on under the table. Hmmm, she has her phone…..

BH: “Oh, I thought you were grounded from your cell phone.” (Said in the nicest voice)
SD15: “well, I’m not grounded from this cell phone. I was grounded from a different cell phone.”
BH: “You mean your grounding was specific to a certain cell phone?”

At this point BF gets involved and asks what the number to this phone is and to whom does the phone belongs. We get run around answers that “she’s always had it” (lie, different phone from her old one) and it is an “ATT plan that is different”(apparently BM is dumb enough to only ground from her from Verizon phones) and that the number is on “BF’s caller ID if he wants it” (interesting that she wouldn’t tell him the number, maybe she doesn’t want her dad to call… or am I just being evil).

I decide to drop the issue, sensing my work was done as far as SD15 and her cell phone go. She probably hates, my guts even more now, but I just couldn’t take it when she started in on BF not calling her and my evil side—that I had not had adequate time to tamp down because of late notice of interaction with SD--- wouldn’t let her get away with this cell phone crap.

Thankfully a short time later the waitress brought the check and I reminded BF that we had to home in 15 minutes so I could make the baby shower.

Of course, I spent the first ½ of the shower trying to shake off my SD15 funk because I was just still furious about SD15’s behavior, MIL taking BF’s parenting away from him, general anger that someone as annoying as SD15 has any role in my life, general anger that BF could have been so stupid as to ever create SD15, and anger that there is NOTHING I can do about SD and her annoying behaviors for 2.2 more years except endure like I have the last 5.

I don’t really want advice, just to express a rant to people that know exactly where I’m coming from. SD15 is a lost cause, based on her behavior this weekend and pathetic lies (I expect better more creative lies from someone nearly 16) I’m fairly sure the 10th grade is down the toilet just like the 9th. Luckily I see her less and less and her paternal family isn’t so blind to her awful behavior these days. And I continue to think BF is worth all this 99% of the time.


gotadog's picture

I feel really sorry for your SD. No kid deserves to be treated like that by their stepmom or anyone for that matter, I am sure she will grow up to resent you and the divide you have caused between her and her father. I also feel sorry for your husband because that is his daughter and always will be-there is nothing you can do about it. If you feel you need to "wash you SD's funk off of you and that you need "time" to interact with this kid, maybe you should get a divorce and get out. It sounds like you hate a 15 year old child to the point where it consumes you-very sad. She was part of the package-deal with it.

Most Evil's picture

What exactly did brutally 'do' to SD? Are you really a stepmom or just posing? It sounds like you are personally involved somehow!

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

yesican's picture

I think that some kids can be very manipulative and only cause problems, and that is there goal. Not every child ultimately loves their parents. My ss is exactly that he could care less than to see his dad for more than 5 minutes and then he is ready to go back to bm's. I am not in the picture at all when it comes to ss (long story) and he still acts this way to his dad. I think ss has serious problems and they will affect him into his adult life. In alot of ways I feel like it is a lost cause my dh trying to have a good relationship with ss, because ss could care less.
Kids (in general) are not taught like they were many years ago and the kids run wild because of it. Future generations scare me, because of a major lack of respect for adults even if they do not like them they should still show respect for them.

Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown

Most Evil's picture

I think someone else is signed in as her! it doesn't sound anything like past posts.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

brutallyhonest's picture

and I read ST almost every day and haven't seen any comments from gotadog. Would you assume this is someone here just to mess with the only safe haven SP's have?

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere


"Part of a package deal-deal with it!"???

She is. She is stating how SHE wants DH to have time alone with his d (the drive part) how SHE would like to see direct communication between DH and SD.

Part of the package of being a stepparent, by the way, does not include allowing a skid to walk all over you, be rude, treat you in any way, manner, shape or form that you would not accept from your very own birth child. Part of the package means yep, you've got some additional responsiblities where the skids come in, but you've also got the right to demand certain levels of behaviour from said kid.

yesican's picture

You couldn't have said that better. The sad thing is bp's don't expect that from their wonderful children and then they wonder why we feel that way we do!!!!!!!

Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown

gotadog's picture

I guess I can't relate -I joined this website ( I thought) to discuss being a stepmom and get tips on being a better one. I love my stepchildren and want to be a good steparent. I didn't sign up here to talk crap about them all day. Constructive critisim is one thing but saying you needed to wash your SD's funk off of you? That is just MEAN. But "brutally honest" why don't you show your husband and his parents what you write on here about their beloved and see what kind of feedback you get from them since your so "brutally honest" and I am so "off base". I would also keep in mind that the internet is accessible by most of the world's population.

yesican's picture

Most of the comments I put on here about my ss is something I would tell dh. I want nothing but the best for him but it does not include me and I don't have a problem telling dh that ss is a spoiled a** little brat and most of it is caused by bm. Sometimes the truth needs to come out. What you want out of life is not always what you get and we are here to speak our minds and get alot of this off our chest.
Hopefully your relationship will not have to be a bad one ever with your sk's but for some of us sm's it is not all great like that. We are sorry if we offend you in anyway, but for some of us this is the best way to vent. And when you put up with the bull that happens you have to vent somewhere. We don't use our names or anyone elses names.
I am just waiting for the day that the kids grow up and can be on their own and hopefully my home will be bm free forever!!!!!!!!

Stop making people a priority in your life that only make you an option in theirs! author unknown

Rags's picture

always NOW!. My SS knows that if he is on Mom and Dad's (Sdad ... that would be me) shit list that he will be parented regardless of who is around and where we are.

If we are in public we address his behavior, if we are around friends we address his behavior, if we are around family (Grandmas, Grandpas, cousins, bioparents, Sparents....) or anyone else we address it.

If he is failing school and someone asks him how school is going I will harp right up and say "So Son, tell everyone how you are doing in school!" then I will not let him off of the hook until he tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

IMHO the only way for kids to learn the consequences of their actions is to be held accountable immediately and until the behavior corrects.

Conversely, when SS has done something extraordinary or even noteworthy we praise him publicly.

Recognition for behavior whether good or bad.

Best regards,