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Opinions on 50/50 custody where parents don't get along

bronx mom's picture

Hi, while I'm on here I'm curious about peoples' experience with 50/50 custody where there are blended families and the parents can't get along about anything.

This is not my situation, but my dear sister's. Her DH (father of her four kids) recently announced that he's in love, wants a divorce and plans to remarry as soon as he is allowed to. He is insisting on 50/50 custody (even though the new wife-to-be has told my sister she wants nothing to do with the kids) and my sister is having lots of trouble accepting this. Though I don't think she has any choice. That's the legal norm now. And he will fight her on it to the bitter end (because there's money involved, and also because he wants to believe he is putting the kids first).

Anyway just curious about your experiences or opinions.

Comments

askYOURdad's picture

Have her do some research on "parallel parenting" it's specifically for high conflict parents. There are a lot of tools out there, she should also look into Our family wizard and of course talk to a lawyer and make sure there are very clear boundaries set in the agreement. Whatever her worries are about the 50/50 have it spelled out in the agreement, for example, if she is worried about homework getting done on time put something in the agreement along the lines of "if kids grades drop below x, school nights will have to be spent at residential parents house" or if she is worried about who is watching the kids she can put in there "mom has first rights to kids if dad is working" (obviously worded better by the lawyers but you get where I'm going)

Very few parents that I know of (or read of) truly co-parent well. Tell your sister to read some of the issues on this site, along with any other support that might be geared towards the mom and try and find a healthy balance and expectation of what the future holds for her and how she can act/react to put the children's needs above her own animosity.

Patsy's picture

YES! IF it is going to happen have her look into "parallel parenting"! I just read about this the other day as I agree most orders are starting to go this way. The plan is so much more detailed than the usual state guidelines. I think this is probably the most you can do for your sister. Also remind her that just because this is the order may be the one started with it doesn't mean it is the one that will always be.

bronx mom's picture

yes, we've talked about "parallel parenting"-- and this is what BIL wants-- he doesn't want to deal with her at all or see her on "his time." The issue seems to be the shear number of kids here and their divergent needs. They are ages 6-16. They are in all different places at once-- but BIL freaks out if my sister offers to take the oldest shopping or take one kid to a basketball game so the others can relax at home on "his weekend." But now they are forced to move like a herd with their one overwhelmed parent. The 16yo is especially crushed and emotionally damaged. It's heartbreaking to watch.

askYOURdad's picture

but BIL freaks out if my sister offers to take the oldest shopping or take one kid to a basketball game so the others can relax at home on "his weekend."

^^^^ I think your BIL is a piece of garbage for what he is doing to his family, but I agree with him on this point as I have been on this side of the fence. His parenting time should be his parenting time. Interference is NOT healthy for the kids, I have seen the aftermath of the frequent transitions/phone calls and how it affects the kids and impedes their ability to adjust to the new situation. I understand where your sister is coming from completely, but that is just divorced life, his time is his and her time is hers there is no more family unit, there are two.

overworkedmom's picture

I would never have agreed to it. I personally feel that 50/50 is just too much upheaval and no consistency in children's lives. Is she going to fight it? Are they in the same school district?

bronx mom's picture

I think she will fight it, but I think she will lose. I am trying to help move her toward acceptance, even though I agree in my heart that it will be WAY too much upheaval for the kids and not really in their best interest... which I thought was supposed to be the guiding legal principle?

Azure's picture

Wow, your poor sister. I really feel for her. I'm guessing this was out of the blue for her.

But anyway, we have 50/50 with my SD. It works pretty well especially since we live close to BM and even in the same school district. I don't know how old her kids are but my SD did have a hard time when she was younger with the switch every week, but then she adjusted and she's fine now. But I do think it's hard on the kids. There are a lot of pros and cons and if someone was against it, I could easily see their point. It works for us, but may not work for everyone.

I wish the best for your sister and her children!

ETA: My DH and the BM do not co-parent well. She is hard to deal with and very oppositional to my DH, so it has been and continues to be a struggle. But she has never contested the 50/50 arrangement. Guess she likes her weeks off even though she tries to control everything we do with SD anyway.

Azure's picture

Yes, I saw that. I apologize if my experience is not helpful to you. I read in your blog you were looking for experience and opinions from people with 50/50 custody. Sorry.

bronx mom's picture

no, I am! I didn't mean to sound confrontational. I'm just so freaked out about this. I am trying to get her to accept it even though I'm really just as upset as her...

askYOURdad's picture

*

Rags's picture

IMHO if two people are capable of cooperating and working together to raise a child they were capable of making their marriage work.

I am not a proponent of 50/50. One of the two parents is superior in raising and supporting the child and that parent should be the CP. The other parent should get some amount of visitation and pay CS.

My advice is for your sister to set up consultations with all of the best attorneys in her town (that takes them away from her POS husband), pick the one that will take her case with the best plan for bankrupting the POS husband, getting every asset and huge CS awards and then cut him lose to see how long his new parther will but up with him when he is broke.

No quarter, no relief. She needs to shred his adulterous ass and get every penny she possibly can for her kids.

If visitation with daddy is in a homeless shelter eating Top Raman then so be it. No need to be mean about it or bad mouth daddy but ruining him and protecting the children from his complete lack of character should be her goal. And she should enjoy doing it. }:)

But that is just me.

I enjoyed shredding my adulterous XW and taking everything in our divorce. Fortunately we had no children. I also very much enjoyed barring the idiot ass of my SS'Sperm Idiot. He ditched my then single teen mom DW to run off with his next statutory rape victim. Ruining him and the entire Sperm Clan financially was a great sport for us over the 17 years of the CO. That did not stop him from ruining the lives of 3 more children that he went on to spawn out of wedlock with 2 more baby mamas but it did minimize the influence of that shallow and polluted gene pool on my Skid.

My condolences on the demise of your sister's marriage.

bronx mom's picture

I think it varies so much by state. You and I both live in NYC, which seems to have residual bias toward establishing a custodial/noncustodial parent. Sister lives in Wisconsin, and every attorney she has consulted tells her that judges order 50/50 custody literally 100% of the time. Bizarre!!!!!

I'll investigate this alienation of affection business...

overworkedmom's picture

How set is she on staying local where she is? Maybe a new job opportunity with better schools is in the future?

bronx mom's picture

She actually hates where she is... they moved there 3 months before he declared he wanted a divorce... it's his "dream house" and I think this was a last-ditch attempt to make him happy. So they uprooted everyone and moved way out into the burbs to this big house and then-- whoops.

Won't she be even more stuck once there's a 50/50 custody order, though?

askYOURdad's picture

Won't she be even more stuck once there's a 50/50 custody order, though?

She needs to discuss this with a lawyer. I know DH's agreement has a clause that says neither parent can move out of the county (he has 50/50 week on/off)

bronx mom's picture

The irony here is that they both HATE the county they are in now. (Very conservative county.) She knows for a fact that he's planning to buy a house elsewhere with new love as soon as he can (has seen the emails) yet he denies this, and will sign an order that he'll stay in their county just to spite her.

They'd both much rather move back into the city, but their relationship is so toxic that they can't even discuss reasonably.

askYOURdad's picture

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but does she have the means to move right now before everything is finalized? Are the kids in public school? Seems like if she moves and registers the kids for school she will already have a hold over residential parent because they aren't going to want to switch the kids schools again? Of course that is practical thinking and I have learned that nothing in the courts can really be predicted, you just have to be prepared with the information you have. I hope she has enough to nail his ass to the wall for what he has put his family through.

bronx mom's picture

Thanks. We could put together the means to make a move... but emotionally, she is in a terrible place. She is not coping well, and if she doesn't pull herself together, he might end up arguing that she's unstable and he should get primary placement. (His own dad did that with TEN KIDS.) Anyway, if she tried to move them to a new district he would go berserk. He seems to hate her and she seems to be going insane. Bad situation.

askYOURdad's picture

Anyway, if she tried to move them to a new district he would go berserk.

^^^^too bad so sad for him, once it's done, it's done. I have full custody of my bios and every time I register them for school no one asks anything about their father. I would just fill out the forms and check that she is still married and not provide any information regarding dads address etc. Once the divorce is finalized and the agreement is in place, if it's important to dad he can go to the school and update his address and provide the custody agreement. I understand she is in a bad place, but she really needs to put her feelings on hold until this is all over and focus on what is best for her kids. If she truly feels that 50/50 is not best for them, she needs to just make things happen and not worry about asshat's reactions, especially since he clearly brought this on himself.

*as you can tell by all of my comments your sisters situation truly hits home with me. I feel for everything she is going through.

overworkedmom's picture

^^^ This is what I would suggest. Get out now before anything is final. Move to where there is support asap.

askYOURdad's picture

I agree with this completely. DH has 50/50 week on/off Monday-Monday and it actually use to be every other day (what moron instilled that I have no idea) the kids are noticeably thriving better for all of the reasons that you listed. Usually the transition day is a little difficult but after that they are settled and things go smoother. EOD was so freaking hard for them, they had so much crap to remember and could never work on something for a few days in a row it always had to be started and finished or started and put off. It has helped with the conflicts between DH and his ex as well. They still see their kids on off weeks because they will attend their extra curriculars and BM loves to schedule doctor appointments or activities on DH's time and go but whatever if he doesn't care I just roll my eyes.

goincrazy.com's picture

WE had 50/50 with SDthen14- They let her call the shots so she eventually stopped staying at our house and even though legally they still have 50/50 FDH pays BM child support outside of court because SD16 chooses to stay at her mothers.

It didn't work for us but I would recommend it otherwise. Kids need a stable consistent schedule and they thrive on it. IF sd16 would have stuck to the regular schedule and FDH put his foot down it would have eliminated a lot of issues we still have regarding visits and SD16 using her presence as punishment to FDH since "All he cares about is goincrazy"

I would especially recommend it with multiple children.

Good luck to your sister and your BIL sounds like a POS

goincrazy.com's picture

It provides a predictable schedule for everyone which is extremely important IMO. Also, it gives the kids a sense of 2 homes instead of visiting and not feeling like they are constantly being uprooted every other day. Everyone is aware of what their week will be like and it makes everything a little easier.

When Sd16 was coming even though I dreaded it, I knew what to expect. I knew when she was coming, that we were responsible for pick up and drop offs etc. There is less confusion and it eliminates the game playing with SD and XW. We have rules her mother doesn't so she made her choice and FDH "didn't want to force her". She is supposed to have "regular" visits, she doesn't stick to it and cancels EVERY week. But expects DH to jump when she needs a ride last minute or needs $ for her hair and he does it- because he's so desperate to see her and she knows it thats why she does it. Shes a master manipulator and knows how to get what she wants. Her mother also encourages her to hate us, get everything she can from dad and not like me because she didn't like her own step mother.....

It's a mess, I didn't mean to get into my own situation but I think every other week is best. On the flip side, to be completely honest in my experience- I was a anxious, wreck 2 weeks out of the month because my home was my home when she ws gone for the week and EVERY THING was different when she was there. Tensions run high in our situation

goincrazy.com's picture

I just want to add that the part about SD and XW playing games - they would constantly call for last min rides or XW I can't pay for this and we are at the store and she needs this and that. 50/50 the kids have their things at your house and their things at BM's. You know what week you are responsible for point blank. The last minute plan changes and rides are enough to drive you bonkers. When each parent knows what week and whats expected during that week it eliminates most of that crap.