Anyone else feel like they inadvertantly shafted their own kid while trying to blend a family.
I have a son (10) and another son (5) with my DH. My DH has two kids who are 18 and 20. I was raising my 10yo as a single mom before I met DH and let me tell you-- being a single working mom in the world's most expensive city is easier than blending a family. But you know that!
My 10yo son is "twice exceptional"-- very gifted, but with some neurological issues. He can be difficult. I know this. He can be annoying x10 and has difficulty with boundaries. But I feel like over the past 5 years we have ALL continually vilified him.
The stepkids find him incredibly annoying. I often was stricter than I might have been to try to compensate. Plus I allowed too many of my financially resources to flow toward my husband's "first family."
I shafted my own child!
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Me, too. Luckily, my son
Me, too. Luckily, my son doesn't know any better or at least isn't bitter about it. He still considers me a great mom.
I don't think I shafted my
I don't think I shafted my kids. They love SO and his daughters. But I feel like I didn't spend enough to focusing on THEM during the time I blended them. I was so concerned about logistics, dynamics, and relationships that I didn't sit down and say 'How are you doing with this?' enough. I feel major guilt over it. But they are happier than when I was with their Dad. They have a better quality of life. It worked out.
Yes. I recognized pretty
Yes. I recognized pretty quickly that I was putting more time into SS13 and issues with BM than I was with all three of mine: DD12, DS10 and DS9. We've been living together for one full year now and within about 6 months, I had to regroup and refocus on my own.
SS has major issues, major attitude, is behind in school, needs counseling - and then there's all the time and energy i put into DH dealing with court with BM.
I had to pull back and focus on mine. Lately I get DH telling me that I exclude SS. Sorry, but yes. I do sometimes. He has a mother that gets to spend time alone with him. I'd like to spend time alone with my three every now and then too. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
I did when I was with an ex
I did when I was with an ex for about 2 years and after we split I swore I'd never do that again. And I didn't. Thankfully my dh now is very supportive and understanding. So I focused a lot on my kids and let dh blend. It was hard but of course I did help some too. I did however have to blend some but not as much as I did before.
In a way, yes. The skids have
In a way, yes. The skids have so many issues and are so high maintenance, while BS17 is an independent, mature, responsible kid. Sometimes I feel like all DH and I ever talk about is SS this and SS that. It's all about their issues.
I did for the longest time. I
I did for the longest time. I spent so much time making sure DH's kids were comfortable, happy, and had everything they needed. They wanted so much attention and my son isn't demanding so he got pushed to the background. When my son finally brought his feelings to my attention, I felt horrible and made sure to focus on him. That pissed the skids off because I stopped buying them stuff-from my own account-that they started a hate campaign against my son. When they get mad at him the scream how they hate them(SS used to spit on him for about six months) and then get in a room together and talk about how much they hate him and how horrible he is. The sad thing is that my son is an only child so he is excited to have someone to play with when they visit. I had to start taking him out because he would still play with them and then get upset by it all. I know the skids are jealous of all I do for my son, but it was for him that I finished college and got a decent job. I worked my butt of when he was an infant. I didn't sit at home and take care of him and now that we are comfortable, I will take care of him.
I found since I can't
I found since I can't discipline the skids, I tend to be double strict on my bios. I also find since I feel like I can't get my kids something without also getting the skids something that often I decide to not get anyone anything and that makes me angry.
Now that I am aware of both of those tenancies I developed, I can catch myself.
But yes.
Short answer, yes. I love my
Short answer, yes. I love my husband dearly. But if I had it to do over again, I would not fight this fight with him at the expense of my own children.
Yes. And I am grateful I
Yes. And I am grateful I realized after only a few years instead of when it was too late. I now focus more on my son and his needs before the needs of skids.
Not yet, but I've got a long
Not yet, but I've got a long way to go
Yes I have found her same
Yes I have found her same thing. My children sometimes get the shorter end of the stick when we are trying to accommodate my SD. If I had known how difficult it would be to blend a family I can honestly say I likely would have stayed single. Unfortunately I occasionally get so overwhelmed with guilt I overcompensate and spoil my children which is equally bad for them.
This is actually why I found
This is actually why I found this site in the first place.
I was seeing a man. A good man. He even has decent parenting skills and high expectations. The problem.....
His ex wife is a freakin' nutcase!!! I mean this woman is warped!! And... she doesn't care if she hurts her kids in the process.... just as long as it hurts her ex husband. When she found out about the last girlfriend she tried to ruin her life too. So, the kids had problems. Big. Problems.
I walked after reading these boards for several weeks. I just couldn't do it to my kids OR myself.
Kate