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Lost at a crossroad

brokensoul's picture

I have raised my step children as my own for 13 years.  (feels weird saying step). Birth mom walked away when she was 3 and he was 6 months old I came around at ages 5 and 3 . They do call me mom but this was their choice and it took me some time to be comfortable with it. I also have children of my own and I have always treated them the same you would have never known. The only thing was that the oldest child and I was very close We had a bond that I thought would have lasted forever. When she was around 11 Bi-mother calls and asks for a second chance we sat both them down and told them about her calling and asked if they wanted to see her or get to know her.  The oldest said no that she had a mom .I think she was more worried about hurting me.  I told her that it wouldn't and that I would still be there and still love her.  So 6 months later she sees them and it last for about 3 months.  Gone again 8 months later it happens again.  This goes on for 2 years. After her doing this 2 times I didn't think it was a good idea. No part time mommy needed by this time the oldest was waking up screaming crying Afraid that dad or I would leave her it went on every night. It was awful she did this when she was 5 also I helped her get though this. She was 3 when her mom left .it was heart breaking seeing her fear that she would lose one of us at 5. Now it's happening all over again.  But what right did I have to say no or stop the visits. It broke her heart and it broke mine cause there was nothing I could do. Her dad always let her come in and out and didn't see the damage it was doing to her. The younger one it didn't bother him he didn't know her and didn't and still don't care to see her he says his mom is right here.  Melts my heart.  When she turned 12 is when it changed and it was over night (come to find out her mom and grandmother would tell her I was a home wrecker amount alot of other things) She hated me and tried so hard to break her and dad I up.  Started with dinner she would stare at me really evil. I would ask her to stop and she wouldn't I would ask her dad to please have her stop he would look and she would hurry and turn her head so he wouldn't catch her she would say I was liening then we would fight.  I even got my Cam out to show him he wouldn't even look.  So that went on for a year. She also punched some wood logs outside and it cut her hand and told every one that I stabbed her.  So many other things went on that she did I put up cameras to protect myself.  She would make up crazy stories about me beating her telling people they ended up trying to fight me. She also called Dcs on me over and over. She would get up in my face and cuss me break my things he dad let this go on until Dcs came out and I told my story and she trying fighting the Dcs lady.  He finally tried to stop it but it's gotten to far .She's even told me her dad cheated.  And she would know they have a more friendship than father daughter relationship. He said he always felt sorry for them because their mother walked out.  I do get it worse than anyone she treats her dad bad to. My family or friend will not come over if she's there because the way she treats me and she's cussed them and tried fighting them.  When she turned 15 my husband let her go stay with her mother all they did was party drink and smoke pot and her mother let guys stay over with her. It lasted maybe 3 months of course she still makes it out like I was this abuser her mother finally told her no and got to see what we had went through she ended up kicking her out at 10 at night and she called me to come get her . Her mother called me and said I don't know how u do it and still do it after her treating me like that for so long.  She said your more than a women than I am .that was 2 years ago and they just started talking again.  After their fight we was good for a few months until we found out that she was sneaking a 23 ur old man in our home while we was asleep she was 15 . My 10 year old and her was sharing a room and I found drugs and stuff u use drugs with I busted all the glass things and flushed her drugs. That's all I needed wasbfor her to call Dcs on me and they find all that with my 10 ur old.  She skipped school with that man and the cops found them she came home and busted the front door knocked holes in the walls. Her dad let her go live with his mom.  (big mistake).  It did at first bring us all closer again. Until we didn't buy her a car or just give her cash. She will just buy drugs . So if she needs something we will take her and get it. My husband ended up having to be gone for 3 months so I was working and taking care of everything and everyone and didn't have extra cash for anything thing she called and asked for money needed it for school which hadn't started yet. I told her I didn't have any money but went and Pawned my mother's ring that was left for me so she could take her senior pics when I asked who to write the check out to she flipped out. I got cussed threatened by her her friends and my husband stupid mother. Had to block calls cause texts and calls went on for12 hrs until I got ahold of her dad .It stopped then few weeks later she calls like nothing happen. Her brother now 14 is a great loving kid he adores me.  Well since dad was gone he would stay up all night on the ps4 and I couldn't get him up so I took the ps4 .he goes to school and tells her I took it. It wasn't even 8 yet the bell hasn't even rung and I start getting text and phone calls threatening my life wishing death on me so I blocked each number then once again she had all her friends to start texting me to.. Once again Dcs came not only that but they called the cops saying I had guns and drugs in my car so I'm always getting pulled over her dad called her and she stopped. Now he is home I told him I was done I can't take anymore.  She keeps hurting me and his mom starts crap to. I told him he can go see her all he wanted but the two of them are no longer welcome at our home.  He agreed and said he didn't blame me.  Maybe in time I can let this go but right now I can't. I'm having really mixed feelings. She graduates this year and after Dec she won't have anymore classes.  I'm so proud of her. I find myself missing her and wanting to take her shopping or get our n.ails done but then I'm so hurt and mad. Why would I keep putting myself though this when she's not acting like this our bond is great then she flips on me. Iv been putting money back for her a car .And I have been looking at them .Want to surprise her for graduation. Should I get her one?  I'm the one who does things like that for her.  Not her mother grand mother dad tries... Me. I feel stupid for wanting to do that for her I feel stupid for missing her I feel stupid for loving someone else's kid like my own.  What happen to her why does she hate me why is she so mean all I ever wanted was to give her a great child hood I always made sure to go those extra miles so she would never feel like she was missing a parent. I did more with her than I did the others field trips all school things. I just don't understand why and how she could hate me  even after everything I still love her the same I'd still give my life for hers. I had a step dad that abused us bad and beat my mom.  I still suffer ptsd from it and I'm 38 . After everything we went through I don't hate him. And I still love him . For the last 2 years I live in my bedroom I started staying in there because of all the fighting. Slowly stopped cooking cleaning stopped fixing myself up she's been gone a year now and there's no walking on egg shells at home I'm at a low place I get up go to work then home back in the bed.  My heart is broken  and I don't know what to do.  Sorry I have never blogged before. Only planned on something small but once I started I couldn't stop. I have left out lot to see how this goes and I'll do another one.  I feel kinda weird right now.  Oh wow I can breath little better.  


tog redux's picture

Can you edit this and put paragraphs in? It's very hard to read as a wall of text.

brokensoul's picture

Will do. This was my first time and I was at work to. 

thinkthrice's picture

Caring more than the bio parents do and fulfilling the role of mother when the BM has not assumed room temperature.  Bad BMs always come back into the picture at some point and wreak their havoc.

Easy mistake to fall into but results in heartbreak for SM 99.9 percent of the time.  I feel for you!  SMs should never expect loyalty from skids no matter how wonderfully they've fulfilled the role of mom.

Winterglow's picture

Youi have gone above and beyond what could ever be expected of you so stop doing it right now. As hard as it may be, you have to entirely disengage from her - no more gifts, no more attention. Stop wondering about the whys. The person who needs you most right now is you. Start by looking for a good therapist to help you work through why you are so willing to feed the hand that bites you. It's time you worked on you, on liking yourself, on doing things for yourself. 

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I feel so sorry for the other kids in your home who no doubt have been affected by the shenanigans of one troubled kid and a stressed out and depressed mom. 

You didn't make your SD, you didn't break her, and it's past time you prioritized yourself and your own mental health.

I've been in your shoes, caught up by the heartstrings loving a crazy screwed up SD who wreaked havoc in my life and my marriage. And I was also one of those good kids who grew up neglected while my own mother myopically poured herself into trying to save my crazy screwed up sister. So I say this kindly - Let her go. Let your SD go, so the rest of you can start to heal.

You've overfunctioned for your spouse and his kids for a long time. Now, you find yourself emotionally spent and feeling like you've failed. How can you fail at something that was never you job to begin with?  Your SD likely spews her venom at you because A. You are the safest target and B. You exist, a constant reminder that her bio mom abandoned her. Also, her mother is unstable, so she may have inherited some of those traits as well. Bottom line - most of this mess has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It's not personal; in fact it's sadly common stuff that people post about over and over on this site. You could be Julia Roberts or Rachel Ray, and your SD would behave just the same. She is NOT a reflection of you; she's a reflection of the two people who made her. You're just collateral damage, so stop being a doormat for this damaged adult skid.

Stop enabling her. Stop accepting abuse from her. Stop allowing someone who has tried to destroy you in your home or in your life. Erect some healthy boundaries, go No Contact, and stop participating in the dysfunction. You have agency and the right to say NO to drugs and drama in your home.

Move forward in your life knowing that you did right by a troubled kid. Focus on being present for your other kids, being good to yourself, and keeping toxicity out of your home. 



StepUltimate's picture

Agree 100%. So sorry you've gone through so much; I can tell you are a very loving, dedicated person who tries to do the right thing. Very glad you wrote, glad you found this website. You're not alone!