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Emptied out

Bradymom's picture

If anyone follows my blog...

A quick overview.

My inlaws are WAY OVER THE TOP OUT OF CONTROL with no boundaries.
My father in law hit me with his hat 1/14 in a rage, while my DH & I were having a talk with him & MIL about them telling skids to lie about something.
I had a stroke 1/16. 36 hours after being hit. I have a history of PTSD from past abusive marriage.
I had FULL PHYSICAL 16 days earlier. NO WARNING SIGNS. all because of stress.
The person I believed was my best friend confessed she was having sex with my brother in law for 2 years when she came to see me THE DAY after.
I tell my sister in law & end the friendship.

Okay. So brother in law goes to counseling. The counselor has him going 2x a week. There's some BIG issues. Counselor says NO CONTACT with PARENTS. Because they are toxic & they do not know how to love appropriately. I have been saying this for FOUR YEARS. Exact words. Exact. So DH & I are talking & he says "They love in their own way." I say "No, DH. They do not love appropriately. That is not the same as 'they love in their own way' That means their way of loving hurts. Their way of loving causes problems. It's not healthy. When you become an adult you have to overcome the damage it caused. It's not appropriate."

We continued to talk. I told him that when I tell ANYONE the things your parents have done or said the reaction I get is "Get away from these people! These people are not well! That is not normal. Stay away from them. Protect yourself. Etc." Wether it be my counselor, friends, the blog, family, etc. The reaction is the same. And now his brother goes to this professional & he is told the exact same thing.

How long are we going to continue to allow them to destruct our lives. 90% of our issues are because of them directly. He's not only to blame only for continuing with them. I have issues letting go also. We can't wish them to be healthy or to love appropriately. It's hard. But how many generations do we allow it to affect?

It was a good talk. He says he has no desire to communicate with his mom. That when he does it's ONLY out of guilt. He does have desire to talk to his dad, because he feels he still wants dad's approval.

I recognize over these two months that his dad most likely wasn't trying to hit me that night, but was going to hit the table & hit me on the way to hitting the table. BUT. I'm 115 lbs. He is 550. I have PTSD. He came from behind in rage. Yelling. Trying to intimidate & scare us. That is not acceptable. Who does that? AND. when he did hit me. He didn't say anything. And I cried hysterically. I freaked out. Like freaked the hell out.

Hearing my husband say that, hurts. It hurts. It's not like I want him to hate his dad or his mom. But I had a stroke as a result of his dad hitting me. And there's no anger. No resentment. No nothing. Sad DH is a loving man. He is. But. But. When I was hit & crying hysterically. Hysterically meaning... Shaking, sobbing, audiuably, nose running, unable to talk, making ga-ga-ga sounds, he was within 18 inches from me. This went on for 20 minutes. He had NO reaction. None. None. No appropriate reaction. Sad

We talked about that immediately after leaving their home. I was very upset, confused how he could not show any care. He really had no answers.

I have no more words. I'm out of thoughts. I guess I do want him to hate his dad for what he did to me. I think that would be appropriate love. His wife is deaf in one ear, blind in an eye & wearing a diaper. Sad


Bradymom's picture

I managed to stay calm surprisingly. Hell was the only cuss word. & no tears. I am numb. Kinda scared. Really.

Bradymom's picture

Thank you. I think we need counseling also. But he doesn't. But if I say we do he would go. However we lost insurance being self employee & the affordable insurance the country speaks of. Just for us. $1100 a month. We can't pay that. So with a stroke. Yeah. Counseling is not happening. The only reason I get to still is. My counselor was my marriage counselor with ex. So I've seen her for 9 years. She knows my ex is a sociopath & I have PTSD. So. She does phone sessions to avoid billing. This has only been since I lost insurance. Lit would not be okay for her to counsel us bc I've gone to her so long alone.

Bradymom's picture

Thank you. I will look that up. What hard is the gray areas. If the parenting behaviors that happened were black & white, that would be NO issue. It's obvious. But the gray ones, I think are the more confusing ones.

Bradymom's picture

Like I said, my DH is very loving. But there are these moments when his reactions are really off.

furkidsforme's picture

I know I'm gonna get slammed. I am very sympathetic to all that has happened to you.


While I don't think the way your in-laws are is ok, nor do I think your husband handled the hat incident correctly....

I'm a Paramedic, and stress and/or getting hit by a hat does not cause a stroke. Sorry, you are being more than a tad melodramatic about that. You don't say if you had a hemorrhagic or ischemic stroke, but a completely otherwise healthy person CAN suddenly have a stroke with no prior warning signs. With a hemorrhagic stroke, it is a weakness in a blood vessel that could be from an injury (old or new) or even a congenital flaw that finally gave way. With an ischemic stroke, an obstruction blocks a blood vessel. Sometimes it is partial, other times it is a complete blockage. But your FIL hitting you with a hat and you having a hysterical reaction over it did NOT cause you to have a stroke.

Being dramatic and "blaming" someone for your unfortunate health event that they had nothing to with isn't very helpful. I'm sorry for your misfortune, sometimes life and genetics are not fair.... but you need to get into touch with reality and stop playing victim.

Bradymom's picture


omgsaveme's picture

Could not agree more with furkidsforme. I think you're DH may have not reacted when you got hit, because he may have thought you were overreacting ? If he accidentally hit you with the hat, he should have apologized, but as you even said he didn't mean to hit you. You're putting him between a rock and a hard place, I was in this situation with my ex, toxic seriously attached family that basically believed they should come first with him, my solution for that mess was TO GET OUT.

You can't tell him to not talk to his family. unless its a choice HE wants to make, you need to leave it alone. As we do with Skids, disengage, when he wants to visit them, let him go, you stay home, when they want to come over, leave. Avoid them at all costs, you know they are toxic people why even involve yourself ? Encourage your DH to see them all he likes, you will have no part of it.

doll faced sm's picture

I won't slam you, per se, but I will say this - when someone says to me:

I'm a paramedic/phlebotomist/LPN, and [insert medical advice here]

I'm a paralegal/receptionist at a law firm, and [insert legal advice here]

etc . . .

Well, I take it with a grain of salt. Acting as if you are an authority on the subject matter and more-or-less calling the victim a liar isn't very helpful. Stress can have enormous influence on the body; most noticeably, it can raise blood pressure. Higher blood pressure + a an already weakened blood vessel . . . well, yeah. But I won't claim medical authority, here. Instead, I will defer to the opinion of OP's Dr. who seems to believe the two events are related.

Bradymom's picture

True. I have seen a total of 3 doctors & 1 PA now & my sister is a nurse in a large city & her doctors (idk how many) I have given access to my medical information. They all are in agreement of diagnosis. Now we are talking treatment. (They are not in agreement, that's more patient driven Smile Oh I just diagnosed myself & listed cause my rude ass in laws. /roll eyes/

Bradymom's picture

I had an ischemic stroke. (You can read through my blogs, I reference it multiple times) The situation I speak of with the step kids happened 36 hours before. It got me so upset I began breathing at a rapid rate. "Shallow breathing" (in ER at rest, report says I was falling asleep, my breaths were 30 a minute) I also stopped eating & drinking. Not a god choice. The situation that they told they to lie about was very traumatic for the step daughter & it took us all by shock & we discovered it about 2 hours before taking the kids to their moms house, so we could not work thru it. The kids told me the information, I brought it to my DH after I processed it & it was very upsetting, I didn't really realize I wasn't eating or drinking. We had a meeting with brother & sister in law to discuss issue bc it was at their house that the behavior of kids was very odd with MIL & told them what kids said & asked them what their thoughts were. (They are much older than us & have raised step kids from both of each other) Anyway, in ER & I was weighted & I had lost a lot of weight (11 lbs) & was asked when I urinated last & I remember specifically it was at my in laws house aprox 36 hours earlier. (I was severely dehydrated) I had an ECG, blood tests (test showed high carbon dioxide & electrolytes very low) & CT scan. The PA at the ER released me saying to follow up with my doctor, thought it was a stroke based on tests, but I was walking, talking, little to no confusion (bc I was able to articulate what had happened) no paralysis, numbing would go away & to rest, push fluids & he gave me a prescription for anxiety medication. I was happy to be leaving. I left, when I went to her my prescription the pharmacist tech said, the pharmacist needed to spread with me, I figured about medication, this is normal. He got me a phone, told me I was to call my doctor immediately. That when they get a prescription for certain docs those certain docs request notification on this new email system, the doc called the prescribing PA (my doc was out of town, otherwise in our small town, they are called to ER) & went thru my ER notes. He wanted me admitted. Did not agree with them releasing me. This was about 2-4 hours after my we visit I think, I don't remember. I was with my sister in law who was running errands. (The nearest hospital isn't close) I was asleep in her car. In that time I discovered I couldn't hear out of one of ears & part of my vision in one of my eyes was gone & I had been drinking a lot of water & I had wet pants. I didn't report any of this on ER. Idk why. I don't think I realized any of it bc I was tired, numb emotional & on the left side (which is the ear i don't have hearing in), in shock & as far as my eye I was very tired & falling asleep in ER, Idk. But I discovered it all after ER. I stayed the night in the hospital & the doc set up a woman's specialist to come work with me with the bladder issue & monitor BP & heart rate & get fluids in me. Also had a pulminoligist (I know that's spelled wrong) to teach me yoga breathing & taught me to use this breathing exercise tool to work on slowing down my breathing & increasing lung capacity. I gave a short over update above. This is the extended.

JustAgirl42's picture

It's unfortunate that you felt the need to have to explain yourself at such length.

Bradymom's picture

I agree. I hate that I play into the pitch fork squad.

Fucking A. (And why not the rest of the alphabet while you are at it? Hahaha)

"A place to vent"

...a place to poor out your emotions.

...a place to get it off your chest. get it out.

StarStuff's picture

Yep, next time just tell them to read your previous blogs where all their questions have already been explained.

Bradymom's picture

Furkid--- You are a paramedic. Yet you call me a plethora of names from victim to melodramatic, yes following a stroke there are challenges to face... Depression, anxiety, anger, emotionalism, personality changes, fear.

Jsmom's picture

Whoa... all I asked was what type of stroke she had...I didn't know stress could cause that bad of a stroke. Heart attack not stroke...
Do not lump me in there.... now we can't asks questions.

JustAgirl42's picture

She has mentioned a number of times that it was an ischemic stroke, and to my knowledge can be caused by stress.

It most likely didn't happen only because of the incident with her FIL...that was just the tipping point. Her PTSD and continued long-term stress were most likely the culprits.

Bradymom's picture

Exactly. But solely it's my reaction to stressors. Since some want to jump up my ass on the subject.

omgsaveme's picture

Bradymom I don't think furkids was saying you were lying about having a stroke, I believe she's merely saying that your FIL hitting you with a hat, didn't cause the stroke. In your post, you mention that you have PTSD twice and as you said in several of your blog posts you mention that you had an ischemic stroke. Are there programs in your area where you could pay for counseling on a sliding scale, cause counseling may help you a lot.

Bradymom's picture

I'm not unintelligent. I know in a medical book "cause of stroke" there is not a photo of my gorilla tantrum throwing father in law.

It was stress. It's my reaction to stressors. It's no one's or no situation's fault. I own that. I understand that. It's my processing or lack of processing stress.

Bradymom's picture

I reread her reply. Perhaps not. She calls me many things. Not an out & out liar. True.

As far as programs. My DH makes a healthy income but we have a healthy outgoing (due to his divorce & legal bills) Sliding scales don't take into consideration the outgoing. So we are not candidates for those programs.

moeilijk's picture

Not all medical conditions have a clear cause. Or symptomology (is that a word? Hopefully you know what I mean). Some people feel safer thinking the world is predictable.

Bradymom's picture

Very true. But because I had a FULL physical 16 days earlier the doctors are all over my records loving them up. And now my high heart rate & BP are considered chronic because they've stayed elevated for 6 weeks. While I've ALWAYS been way low on both.

omgsaveme's picture

Perhaps reading some articles online on tips to help you process stress better may help since you can not afford counseling at the moment. I don't think anyone, definitely not myself was saying you diagnosed yourself. Hey I believe if doc says you had a stroke, you had a stroke. The bottom line is that you aren't going to get any better immersing yourself in these toxic environments. Do you get time for yourself ? Do you have interests or hobbies where you get to decompress ?

Bradymom's picture

Thank you. I am in individual counseling. My counselor will do sessions over the phone, not avoid billing me. This is nothing she has done in the past, but bc of the situation she is doing it weekly for me. It's counseling for my DH & I that I am referencing.

I have begun some very exciting stress releasing activities. I'm doing this thing called 365 days of hand lettering. I make up my own quotes or find whatever quote that speaks to me & I creatively write it out. I had some catching up to do. I'm also designing my own stationery & have writing letters. (All to help with my handwriting Smile It's been fun. I was not going to just write sentences. Blah. I'm also painting some furniture & destressing it & reselling it on a local website. Spring is coming & I'm going to be elbow deep in dirt with planting flowers! I also took in some rescue cats to foster at the shelter... So I'm a young, modern day cat lady. I put it out there on the local website that I will accompany people with their errands. It sounds weird. But it's been really fun. I only go with women & I meet them first at my home. I put it out as a "mother's helper" ad. I sit in the car with kids while they run in & out of bank & dry cleaners, etc. Busy young children while one tried on 20+ dresses for her daughter's senior tea. These are the types of things I've done to busy myself & not sit at home dwelling on stress & becoming withdrawn. I've only done 2 small pieces of furniture. & it's 2 cats. (Not 20 haha) & I've gone on I think 5 errands with moms now) I still take one long nap a day & I need that rest. That's down from 3. But I did recognize I needed to be interacting. Like I said spring is coming & that'll increase my activity a lot when all the snow melts. Smile

JustAgirl42's picture

Don't you swim? I would think that would be relaxing, stress-reducing and a good way to keep your body moving and build strength.

I've always found water to be very soothing, therapeutic and a great way to escape! Smile

ETA: Yeah for the kitties!! (They are therapeutic too!)

omgsaveme's picture

Boy I need a mothers helper lol, it doesn't sound weird at all. Good for you, that you enjoy what you do. That is absolutely excellent that your counselor is doing sessions over the phone. Hope things get better for you.

Bradymom's picture

I've been seeing her for 9 years. So she's very invested. I'm thankful.

I edited above response, cuz I didn't know if it made sense. So u may want to reread.

furkidsforme's picture

BradyMom I never called you a liar or claimed you lied about your very unfortunate diagnosis or did not actually have a stroke.

My point was, you more than imply in many posts that either your FIL hitting you with a hat, or stress, or a combination of the two CAUSED your stroke. The point is, it could happen to ANYONE, without warning, without a father inlaw hitting them, and without the chronic stress you have.

It just seems to me unproductive to be blaming someone for something that they quite possibly had nothing to do with and no impact upon. It is just as likely that genetically you are predisposed to this, or perhaps medically it was just an unfortunate aberrant occurrence.

My comment was not meant to berate you, but to point out that your blaming was not realistic nor healthy. Just because you are surrounded by certifiable whackados- because your inlaws do indeed sound completely INSANE- is no reason to fall into the same trap of thinking or behaving in irrational ways.

Maybe your chain of posts was not meant to imply it, but at least to me I read it as you blaming him and believing that the FIL literally caused your stroke.