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hi all, new her, my "story"

Bossladee's picture

Guess I'll try posting in the commenst, this is the 2nd time I've tried to write it out and it not show up Sad

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Bossladee's picture

Hello all!! I posted an intro last week but couldn't find it so I shall try again. I will try to make a long story short, but cant promise, lol.

This coming Sept DH and I will have been married 13 years. We have a great relationship, with ups and downs, but we are best friends and that trumps all. We have a DD11 and DS6 together. Our kids are great kids, DD11 is an all A student, in the gifted program, a talented dancer, a people-pleaser and the teacher's pet every year Smile Our son is a ball of energy, so happy, an A/B student and a silly boy Smile
My DH is in road construction and has been at the same company for going on 19 years, he works crazy hours, but I'd like to say 70% of the time it's 8-6 mon-fri. I work mon-fri 8-2 as an assistant for a crazy rich old lady that I love.

SOOO. From 'the beginning'. After my DH graduated HS he moved from his very small hometown (where we live now) to a much bigger city 4 hours away. He had just broke up with his high school sweetheart to 'be free'. He had taken a high paying job at a company. He met his XW (ex wife) who was (was) cute and they partied together. She also partied with another guy, and DH kinda broke it off, then 2 mths later he messed around with her again and voila she gets knocked up. He also got laid off from his high paying job.

DH and XW moved back together to smalltown and stayed with DH parents. DH started working with his dad, he and XW (or BM) got married, and moved together one street over from his parents. They had a baby girl. The first 2 years or so she was a good mom but she was (and still is) such a nasty bitch that his family did not like her much. They are very decent people though and were nice enough to her. When OSD was 2 the XW got knocked up again. This time, when YSD was born, BM had an STD. The doctors had to check YSD and DH for it, luckily neither had. BM had been cheating on DH on and off throughout their marriage also. He didn't leave right away, only because OSD was the light of his life and he wanted a family.

BM stopped being a mother. DH worked long hours and came home to a house full of "friends", a pig-sty, no dinner, the babies wherever or with his family. BM had left them with a mentally disabled teenager a few times that DH found out about and was livid. BM told his family "if she could figure out a way to get DH to pay her every week she would leave and he could keep these Fing kids and Fing house". YSD was left in a car seat so much the side of her head was completely flat and she had to later on have physical therapy to build her neck muscles. She was in the playpen so much that she had ripped holes all over it. There had been rumors that BM was cheating on DH with their neighbor(small town, everyone knows everyone and everything) and when DH finally lost it on BM and really called her out, she admitted it. DH moved out and in with his parents. OSD was 2 and YSD was 8mths.
DH continued to pay the bills and gave her $80 a week for groceries. She let him have the kids whenever he wanted, she was having her cake and eating it too. She moved in one of her friends (not the neighbor, he was married also) we'll call him BMDH cuz he is part of the 'story'. While fighting thru their divorce, DH was trying to get custody. He and his dad had went to BM's to pick up the kids and took a video of her 'home'. She was not there, 3 random guys were, they were passed out amongst beer cans, liquor bottles, trash, weed. The babies were asleep. XW comes in during the video and flips out big time. DH's parents got him a lawyer. Lawyer told him that it was not worth the fight to try to get custody of 2 girls from a stay-at-home-slut. Oops, I meant mom. }:) Even with video, plenty of people witnessing (practically half the town) saying she was unfit, and a druggie, he would not get custody. This was in 98. My how times have changed. I bet if this had happened nowadays he would have gotten at least 50/50. Sad.

Anyway when they finally got divorced it was put in the CO that DH paid 81% of the kids support, health and dental ins., 1/2 copays, etc. XW was not allowed to move out of state. DH was supposed to get visitation every wed. from 6-8 pm and every other weekend from Fri 6pm to Sun 6pm, every other holiday, and 4 weeks in the summer. XW was responsible to meet him 1/2 way from wherever they lived and cover her own costs for transportation. She was also supposed to pay back the $900 phone bill and has yet to this day paid a penny. Dh just knew she was going to move away back to the big city she was from cuz she had hated smalltown, there were no clubs and she was bored, and her family was in bigcity. Sure enough, she did move, her new man BMDH went with her. As far as they had moved Dh did not get them every Wed, for sure, and more like every 3rd weekend. BM was broke many times and DH had to send her gas and toll money or she wouldn't meet him.

DH and I had met when I was staying with his sister (who lived next to his parents). I was staying there because her son had been very injured in an accident and needed full time care, I was going to night school for nursing, and her and her DH both worked full time. I had met his sister through a friend of mine who used to babysit for her. Again, we all live in a smalltown lol. I knew DH and BM vaguely, the more I knew of their situation the more disgusted I was with BM. DH had been coming by his sister's more and more often to not be home with his parents all the time, and we would shoot pool together. He's such a nice guy and so funny and a great daddy, of course I fell in love. I think he did first tho Blum 3 We first were getting together right before BM had moved away and of course she pitched a fit. Tried to get him back, "for their kids". We wonder how her new man felt? It didn't work, DH truly hated her. His family hated her. So many things she had said or done, she had no allies. His family loved me. She hated me. Then she 'needed' a babysitter for the girls one night and suddenly she wanted to be my 'friend'. Its always been phony with her, she is the fakest person I know. Then they moved anyway.

At first before SDs were in school we had gotten them all the time. OSD has always been super smart and learned how to manipulate the situation pretty early on. SDs knew their BM didn't like me, so they would tell her what she wanted to hear. DH and I were more strict than XW, but normally so. Manners, respect, kindness, clean your crap, etc. BM never did and never has parented in any true sense. BM tried to tell us how to be with SDs, it did not work. After I had our DD, BM had a huge fit and started talking trash about me regularly, telling SDs to refer to me as "bitch" and mean shit like that. But in OUR home, SDs loved me, and their dad, and their sister. We had a good thing going. Or so WE thought.

DH and I had moved a few streets from his parents, had our DS when our DD was 5, and life went on. Our DD LOVED her big sisters, and they loved her. In fact, SDs loved both our kids very much. SDs were getting older and in school and we didn't seem to get them as much. We had always kept them the whole summer not just 4 weeks (BM loved getting CS and not having to pay a dime on SDs for 2 mths)and as the SDs were getting older they were not here as much. We knew they acted one way with us and another way with their BM. BM did not discipline at all. She had married the guy from here she was with, BMDH was much better person and parent than BM, he tried to parent but could only do so much. BM tried to tell on SDs to DH to get him to be the bad guy but he wouldn't. LOL. DH is not a Disney Dad at all, he is a father and a good one, but he wasn't going to be the bad guy when she had created monsters for her and they were fine and behaved for us.

OSD was always 'up my butt'. We were very close. YSD is a tad slow and stubborn, she took a lot more patience and was harder to handle. We were all good though. THEN BM kicked her DH out, the SDs stepdad, the only one there who had any sense or morals. She had met a guy online. YAY. So OSD started calling me constantly to vent. I have always been a good listener for OSD, I NEVER talked bad about BM to them (their father has, he couldn't help himself I guess and he is a smart ass). BM's new guy had moved in and had all kinds of drug charges and a record of violence. In fact him and BM had been physical a few times. I told OSD one day when she called I was putting her on speaker phone for her dad to hear too. She vented, DH got pissed, he called BM, and she got pissed that he 'knew her business' and of course OSD got blamed and she stopped calling us much after that. That was all about 2 years ago.

Then that summer while they were here, DH made ALL the kids (our two little ones also) go do some farm work at my parents horse farm, for his Father's Day 'present', and they were pissed. SDs were/are of course lazy, and their cell phones that are glued to their hands have no service out there. So after they got home they started calling/texting 'Mommy" that they wanted to come home early. DH wasn't going to beg them to stay so he took them. DH and I gave them both a lecture about family, how relationships are 2 ways, its a privledge to be in a family, that they call and text their mom the whole time every visit with us but we barely hear a peep from them when they are with her. They 'acted' like they got it.

After they got home we didn't hear from them for 2 months. we could of called, but that was our whole point, they never do and its a 2 way street. Meanwhile BM's now XH (the sds old stepdad) started doing a service call at my parents farm. He had moved back to smalltown when BM kicked him out. He told us all kinds of stuff, things we suspected but didn't know. BM does pot and coke, drinks all the time, has told SDs for years and years crap, that their father had left them for me, that HE cheated :jawdrop: that he loved his 'new' kids more than them, yada yada yada. He said he was never allowed to discipline the kids and he had tried to tell BM to knock it off but she would get pissed. When she kicked him out she told SDs they were not allowed to talk to him. He sent them cards and they never answered, in fact when they told me about the cards they thought it was funny @@ So he had spent about 10 years being part of their life and I know he loved them, DH and I always liked him way more than BM, and he was that disposable. Amazing.

So after that summer of not speaking YSD finally texted me, acting goofy, and I told her to call her father. She did but it was brief. THEN the slut BM told a mutual "friend" that lives near us (a gossip that everyone know runs her mouth) that the girls HATED being with us in the summer, we were mean, boring, made them work, they hated it. Of course "friend" told us, BM knew she would. So my mother (a whole nother story there) wrote some nasty crap on FB. I have NO IDEA what possessed her. GRR. So BM freaked out, deleted me, blocked me, SDs deleted and blocked me, BM called FB and had it removed (I never got to see it) and called DH raging. It got ugly.

So now, SDS don't speak to me. DH tried to call them right after the drama started and tell them it wasn't right how they were acting, I had done nothing. BM tells my DH she wants the girls to have a relationship with HIM. DH's family has talked to the SDs (SDs since have started calling grandparents and DH's sister all the time when before they NEVER did, SDS tell DH family that 'I' ignore them) DH's family all tell SDs that their dad is a package deal. My mil really got onto OSD for telling her something about me and now OSD wont talk to my mil, just fil and sil. SDs have talked to my DD11 twice since then, once on her birthday once on Christmas. My DD's heart was BROKEN. She loved them, especially OSD who used to carry her around and they were SOOOO close. I have spoken to OSD once, I was mad about something one day a few months ago and called her and kinda bitched but mostly said I'm not putting myself out there anymore, all I've been is real and I feel y'all have shown I am nothing, therefore I will be 'nothing'. If you really cared, prove it. She said she would call me again and has NOT. SDs did send me a mothers day card this year, and they never have before, they have always called though. The card was generic with just their names signed. Big whoop.

So my worry is: I don't want DH to resent ME for not making it all better with SDs. He talks to them briefly here and there but its very awkward. He says he feels like a shitty father whenever we discuss it. I refuse to be a part of their lives anymore, I don't know why I should be if they don't want me. They are old enough to know how their mother is, that she's fake, to her people are disposable, she's materialistic, she lies, etc. I have never had to say anything, people are how people are, I always knew my actions and character would speak volumes more about the differences between BM and I, and SDs should 'get' it. I hate phony, if they don't like me then don't but why for years in my face do I think we are all happy family when at BMs I am the devil?? Dh says he will never resent ME for what BM has done, that I am his love, but I know it eats him, he is their dad. I also feel like shame on BM for the things she's said and how she is, but double shame on SDs for KNOWING BETTER the reality of who I and DH are!! I think if I called BM and kissed her ass and called SDs and kissed their ass and begged them to come and told them everything will be all right now sweethearts, then they would come and expect the red carpet for gracing us. I am NOT going to do that. They are old enough to NOT be living for BM, they KNOW me, BM does NOT. They know who DH and I are, and their younger siblings. I cant imagine that all the years we have spent as a family have meant nothing, but that's how it feels right now. And I worry about the future. Obviously.

Also, DH's CO for CS says it ends when "child turns 18 or graduates high school, whichever comes latter". Well, OSD is 18 and has graduated and is working, but DH doesn't want to go thru the process again until YSD turns 18/graduates also. He makes more $$$ now than he did then and worries it might not be worth it. BM works now too and she didn't then, but still, I agree. His CS is pretty high, and I cant wait for it to end, I know BM will be all like "we should move on. BTW, the girls need...." UH, ha. OSD is 18, YSD is 16. Not much longer.

Apologies for the book, I swear!! I tried to be brief, there's so much more I could say, I have never tried to write it out before!! I know its very detailed for a support site, but I don't care if BM or SDS see it, they know how I feel and what has happened, its all true. Too bad. I will leave this up in case anyone needs to reference it, I know I'm the new kid lol. I cant wait to really be a part of the group, I've read posts that make me so mad about BMs/DHs/skids and some of y'all have me cracking up!!

stormabruin's picture

Welcome to ST! It's hard to summarize years of life into anything shorter than what you've done. Smile

It sounds like you'll fit right in & there will many people who have experienced similar things who will be happy to offer condolences (:D) & advice.

Sadly, many of them won't make it here to read this until after WW3 comes to an end on the blogs previously posted. :?

Anyway, I'm glad you're here!

Bossladee's picture

Lol thanks!! Not sure how many people will read it at all but I would feel weird posting on others blogs without any back story of my own....at least with this up people can look and see who I am if they want!

smomof2's picture

Hi Welcome! This is a great place to venting, sharing wisdom and learning from each other. Reading about other's experiences helped me feel less alone and feel like someone in my shoes understands what I feel and what I'm going through. When I talk to my friends about stepparenting issues they sometimes think I'm over-exaggerating due some of the ridiculous things that go on. Only 2 years until you get some relief from BM. I still have 13 freaking years! God, I hope I make it! lol.