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lost progress

bookgirl's picture

After this last SK visit DH & I talked about these last few years together. It left me thinking. I feel like i've gone backwards as far as excepting the SKs into my life. When DH & I were first dating, we used to have a lot of fun together. We'd go on trips. Did I not notice or did they not demand gifts & suck down sugar filled drinks & snacks the whole way? It was before SS4 could talk so I didn't hear that grating, high pitched & barely understandable voice constantly saying, "Daddy me want juice". Did he refuse to eat then, preferring to load up on junk food when no one was looking? Was I more patient back then? I'm pretty sure it was at least a year before SD7 started acting like a sulky brat. I don't understand if I was more patient back then or it just took a while for them to come off their best behaviour. I do know there was a time when I welcomed them into my life. Now it kind of horrifies me how cold I feel towards them. I never miss them anymore. If visitation ended completely one day, I honestly would be relieved. I could seriously be happy never to see them again. I feel like there's something wrong with me. It just keeps getting worse.

Comments

startingover2010's picture

some of us will never accept the skid. i for one have had such a horrible experience the last 5yrs i made a decision i will never love sd11, even if she makes a complete turn around, which i am sure will never happen. i put up a wall. and i wont bring it down.

bearcub25's picture

I also have the same feelings. Wouldn't care if visitation was cut down or ended and I also feel the guilt and horror of my own feelings.

stepmomma00's picture

hey bookgirl..ur not alone. i myself have noticed, i would say over the last 2 or 3 months, that i have distanced myself from them. and looking back, i almost feel like i was alot more patient and accepting of fh's 2 kids. its almost like every little thing they do drives me crazy, and it hurts me to say, if visitation was cut back, it wouldnt bother me a bit. i used to miss them, i dont find myself missing them at all anymore. its been 3 years, and in my mind, you get closer, but we are definetely not even half as close as we used to be. i have distanced myself, so in a way, they probably dont feel close to me either...but at this point, i dont care. they are spoiled kids who get their way no matter what, and my opinion isnt valued or asked for when it comes to them, so i stay out of their lives as much as possible.

bookgirl's picture

That's exactly it, I'm so glad it's not just me. They're ages 10 & 4 btw. ~Bookgirl~