Lately things at BM's house have been hard for SD8. Her husband treats SD terribly and BM doesn't stand up for her. As a result, SD has been acting out (big surprise). Apparently she's been stealing. I want it to be known that I have never seen this side of SD because we treat her like a person!!
BM's husband
--only allows SD to have one toy in the living room at a time
--took away her cell phone for weeks after she only had it a few days for "disrespect" (he's lucky we're not the ones paying for it)
--tried to take her DS away, but we DID pay for that, so it didn't happen
--yells at her for stupid things like making coffee :? for her mom

When I have had disciplinary issues with SD (and she is 8, so she's not perfect), a quick trip to the corner and some words are all it takes. She never repeats poor behavior. She's never stolen anything from us, she's not unhappy when she's at our house, she's very happy to help clean, cook or just to get a little positive attention. In fact, I look forward to when she's at my house.

So, lately BM has been implying that it's mine and DH's fault she's acting out. I happen to think it's got a lot to do with how SD gets treated every day by her step dad. She actually told me that it was normal for him to treat his own kids better than her since she wasn't his. I know that we all struggle with our feelings for our stepchildren at times. I spent many years wishing that DH's children would just disappear. I wouldn't say that I'm perfect now, but even when I fought the hardest against SK's, I took great pains not to make it blatantly obvious. So I guess I'm saying that I'm not a saint either, but I make an honest effort to treat them fairly.

Anyway, SD8 has been asking us for months to come and live with us full time. I love this idea. DH & I have the space for her to have her own room, we live in our own house while BM rents a single wide trailer in the middle of no where that has about 5 kids between her and her husband's children crammed into it. I am the only person that DH introduced his children to after his divorce. SS5 doesn't even remember a time when we weren't together (he was divorced shortly after he was born), we're very stable and we have 2 children together as well. BM has moved 3 men in and out since I've known DH. I've worked with teenagers all my adult life and I'm not afraid to take her in this close to adolescence.

After some recent issues with SD, BM has said that she's willing to sit down with SD and see what she wants. Except she wants all 4 adults to sit down with her and I think she's just going to make her feel guilty. I think that if BM really wanted what was best for SD, her parents would talk to her separately, not put her on the spot and make her choose one and if she wanted the adults to sit and talk, we would do that without making her sit down with us. Am I wrong here? I hope not. I honestly want what's best for my step daughter and I don't believe that BM cares about anything but the alimony--I mean child support.

Any advice here?