I couldn't handle having my husband hanging out at his ex's house twice a week. Sorry, but there have to be boundaries that sure, support the kids, but also honor the new spouse. There has to be some alternative to this situation. You said he works 2 hours away? Is that a daily commute? To him it's not negotiable? I find that disturbing. You're in a marriage and should be able to talk this through to a workable and respectful compromise.

I think I would really hate that as well. I wish I had a good suggestion for you but I don't.

As far as you developing a closer relationship with his kids, I was reading one article pertaining to teens and the new step parent. It suggested that alot of times when the kids live with one parent and only see the other for visitation, that the step parent may never really bond with the kids. No fault on the step but they are teens and are so absorbed in themselves and their friends that it is hard to forge are real deep bond with them.

As far as the kids spending everyother weekend at your place, maybe it would be more enticing if they could have a buddy stay, that way they might feel more comfortable and want to hang there. Just a thought

I think that's a good point about where 'teens' are at at that stage in their lives..its more about rebelling against adults rather than bonding with them. It took many years to bond with youngest SD who was 15 when I came along...I think she needed to mature a little first. There is zero bond with oldest SD, partly because she lives out of Province so contact is limited..and partly because of her nature...not all people are going to click. That's a fact.

That him going to 'another woman's house' and being in the company of someone with whom he was once intimate with ..... to 'visit' would bug me too. Especially, if I looked at it from that point of view. You can't dwell on that kind of thinking. It would take alot of 'work' to train my brain to look at it differently.

You almost have to practice seeing it in a different way....as if she's just part of the furniture.....she comes with the house (like the curtains). Ya there there...but he didn't go to the house to see curtains. He's there to visit his children...nothing else. She's an incedental part of that he must deal with....to accomplish seeing the kids...like traffic... It's an inconvenient part of the process.

I think the part that would bother me...is feeling left out, excluded from that important part of his life. I would feel excluded then lonely..then the negative thoughts would creep in.
(Just remember.. it's not about you...it's about him seeing his kids...emotions can be hard to deal with ..when what you feel doesn't match what you know on a rational, thinking level..it takes practice)

It's the best workable arrangement he can come up with......you know that logically....you just keep plugging those kinds of thoughts in your head, replace every negative thought with a positive one right away and you'll eventully feel better emotionally about it.

Instead of thinking...or feeling..I should say..he's attached to his old life, they're first & I'm second. Try to look at it like 'what a great guy...he's trying soooo hard to be involved with his kids..the best way he can think of..dispite all the obstacles..he didn't forsee a second family at the time this 'annoying habit' started..he was trying to right by his kids...' Be proud of him, there are so many deadbeats.... he's a very caring man..that's why you feel in love with him in the first place. Focus more on the positives..

In a couple years the kids will be out of there and the whole thing will be a non-issue for the rest of your years together...focus on the positives.

Those are the kinds of thoughs that help me deal with stresses like that in my life.....

PS I'm not saying roll over and let him do what-ever I think you were right to take a stand on Christmas...but if this weekly visit is something you have to learn to accept. Changing my thinking to 1/2 full rather than 1/2 empty and changing how I view things helped me soooooo much. My stress levels are under control...I'm sooooo much happlier....

Good Luck

I'm sorry, just my opinion, but I disagree with the above. This would cross boundaries for me. I don't mean to be negative, but it just wouldn't work. Please forgive me, I don't mean to cross lines, but why was this arrangement acceptable when you got married? That is the only factor that makes me think there may be some obligation to work with it on your part . . . I'm sorry I don't have more positive suggestions here. I feel a little unhappy on your behalf. For me, being married is about creating a home, and the home is exclusive to the marriage. I *would* feel as if my partner had two homes, and that would have been a major issue in the pre-marital counseling we did. If it hadn't changed, there would have been a serious question as to whether we got married.

Perhaps you might try doing research on healthy second marriages and stepparenting. There's lots of good material on healthy boundaries, even in co-parenting, and why it's important to foster the second marriage and stepfamily as well as to co-parent. Perhaps with gentle input from sources like these, over time, your husband might change his "non-negotiable" stance?

Also, I don't have teen stepkids, mine are younger, but I also disagree with some of the above responses re: looking so pessimistically at the bonding potential. It depends on you and the kids. My brothers were teenagers when my stepfather married my mother, and they bonded wonderfully. And my brothers lived with their bio father 50% of the time. I think providing opportunities for the Stepmom to bond with Skids is extremely important. Teens or no, they deserve the *entire* extended family, and a stepmom is part of their family.

In the very begining I understood him visiting at the house. The skids are all girls between 9 & 16. We live about 45 minutes apart. There has to come a point where the blending happens. You ARE a major part of his life. Yes, he loves his children as he should.
Betty also had a good point. Welcome one of their friends.
In my opinion it is completely unacceptable that he visits the kids at her house.
One thing I found over the past year. These kids are much more reazilant then we give them credit for. Just this past weekend I said the the 9 year old, this is your house too. She smiled at me and said, I have two homes now.

Stand your ground dear.

My fiance at the time went to the house of his ex and go over there and have game night with everyone (ex included) when I found this out there was a me or else ultimatim. I knew the ex till loved him and didn't respect the new relationship he was in. And me not knowing if she would respect herself enough and wear proper attire while he was there concerned me. He also had a habit of when picking up the kids just walking into house like he owned it (or going into his own). It was not something I could take and would not take.. My health means more to me than any man and if he was gonna make me go crazy off of doing something like that he caould leave and my health, happiness and peace alone!

I think sometimes our husbands forget or can't relate how crazy this can be for us. I know I didn't come to him and say " I want to fall in love you, have you treat me any ol' kinda way and because I know your heart is for the kids, I will lay down and let you walk all over me, and get up and tell how you how great you just made me feel and that I love you with all my heart." (I'm a little upset)

First, I would like to say YES you are justified in feeling the way you do about this, because you are his wife and it certainly crosses some major boundaries for him to go over to the ex's to see his kids.

That said, I just want to provide some food for thought. Think about the skids' perspective. They get to have dad be a regular fixture in their lives, and they don't have to disrupt their lives to do so. Now, before you came along this worked fine for them. I fear that they will really resent dad's new wife for coming in and "wrecking" their arrangement. (Again, I'm not saying that you aren't perfectly justified in this - I'm just trying to show the skids' point of view.)

I've spent some time today thinking back to my own childhood with divorced parents and how my dad pretty much sacrificed a relationship with his kids for one with his new wife. (They moved 1000 miles away from us when they got married.) Totally different situation from yours, but I can just imagine if my dad had been coming to see us regularly at our mom's house and she put an end to it, we would have really resented her for taking that away from us.

How old are the skids? I understand they're teenagers, but does this mean 13 or 17? (Or everything in between?) The reason I ask is, pretty soon they'll be off to college and this will no longer be an issue. Is this something that you could sacrifice for a couple of years for their sake? It certainly is a shame that your home isn't where you have the relationship with the skids, especially given that you renovated for them to have their own rooms! Maybe having them bring friends for weekend visitation would be a good compromise.

Whatever you decide to do, just remember to consider their feelings too. Maybe you could all sit down together and have DH explain that although this arrangement worked well for a while, the circumstances have changed and it is no longer feasible. (Better to come from him than you.) He could say that it is important to spend time together in your home and bond as a family unit. If they protest, ask them to put themselves in your shoes: they have a boy/girlfriend who hangs out at their ex's house to visit a puppy they once shared and they're left out of it. Maybe they could relate?

All I know is, I have put up with almost 20 years of my SM whining about one thing or another regarding us kids and we were always really offended that she never considered our feelings in anything. It was always all about her. To us, she was the "outsider" that came along that we had to then cater to. And whatever we did to please her was never enough. I wouldn't want a nice lady like you to be seen in that way!

Quick note: I have a lot more sympathy for my SM, now that I am one!

x

a little different perspective-------I would love to have the skids visitations away from my house!!!! I would be in seventh heaven. It will only last a couple of years. It would be better for the kids and better for me. I don't have a jealous bone in my body about the X so it wouldn't bother me at all to have them "sharing" time with the kids.
It would allow me peace & quiet in my home, just the way I like it. For me, I don't need any more family nor do I want to bond. I want to like, respect and "admire" his children. They are always welcome "guests" in my home.