Should I Stay Or Should I GO?
Years ago when I was a freshman in college I had a class with the most handsome man. He was foreign and a member of the University's ski team. I don't remember anything about the class because I was besotted with this guy. He didn't know I was alive, like, he didn't even look at me.
Last year I went skiing by myself, riding single on the chairlift and who should sit next to me? Yes, the guy from class!!! We started chatting and skied the whole day together and started dating soon after. We are both divorced. I have a 9 year old DD and he has a 19 year-old DD who was living in his home country. We have been dating about a year and things have gotten serious. We are talking about our future a lot, moving in and possibly getting married.
He never talked much about his DD, almost avoided it until recently. It turns out that she has some severe mental illness and possibly a high-functioning autism or Asperberger's Syndrome. She has severe OCD and has panic attacks. When she was younger she would have violent outbursts and would try to stab her parents (he has scars on his hands and arms). Now she is somewhat stable and studying online and trying to finish HS and apply to college but it's questionable if this is happening. She is living in a house he owns and he sends her an allowance every week to live on. It is generous but she is constantly asking for more money. Last summer she went to Paris and it was a disaster, she missed flights, double booked hotels and lost her handbag. She is intolerant to noise. The worst part is that she is horribly rude and condescending to him and it seems to be getting worse. Over christmas she wanted to go visit a friend in Coppenhagen and when he refused she went into a rage, screaming and crying and threatening to kill herself. She won't let anyone in the house and refuses to see any relatives. Her BM hasn't spoken to her in some time. I think she got fed up and left them and that was the end of his marriage. He is soley responsible for her.
I feel so sorry for him. On one hand I don't even know how I could beging to cope with a child who has such profound problems. On the other hand I think there is a fine line between helping a person like this and enabling them. The child is an adult and will need to get it together sooner or later but I don't know if he is capable of being able to force her to do anything. I know that if he really wants to push her forward he is going to need to set some boundaries about how long he will support her if she is not going to college. The country where she lives has strong social services for people with disabilities so she could get a lot of help if she wants it. Also, I think he is really traumatized and probably needs therapy himself.
I don't know if I should stick it out with him or cut my losses and leave. If things continue like this with the DD I'm not sure I can stick around. About 3/4 of the time he is wonderful. He is so much fun to be around, is so handsome still and so nice to me but the other 1/4 of the time he goes into the darkest of moods. His DD is like a cloud that hangs over him. I will never want his DD to be around my DD because I fear for her safety, not that that is any sort of option because DD doesn't want anyone around. So tell me, shoud I stay or should I go? Is it worth it to stick it out? If I do stick it out what do I need to do so that this DD doesn't murder me or ruin my relationship?