Advice wanted: how do you deal with sex and young teen SD’s? DO you deal with sex and SD’s??
Brief history: my SD14 has recently moved in with us full time following a very troubling summer in which she has been acting out in all sorts of ways. Among other things I am concerned that she is sexually active. Although we have had many constructive conversations with her and she has admitted to other behaviour, she has denied this when asked. We did a trawl of her mobile phone and Facebook account when her problematic behaviour emerged, in an attempt to find out what had been going on, and found a number of messages suggesting that she has been active with more than one partner. I‘m so sad about this because I feel it‘s far too young to be embarking on those kinds of relationships, and just another symptom of her troubled state of mind recently. Her father is still verging on denial and does not really want to believe it.
To date we have not pushed this issue because she had other serious problems which we needed to start addressing first. I have told her counsellor about this concern, and she advised waiting to see what came up in the sessions. But this is back at the forefront of my mind because yesterday she asked if a friend, who is a boy, could come over for the day. After saying yes that was fine she revealed she had a nickname for this boy which tallied with some messages in her phone. I am fairly certain she has had sex with this boy. As she has been drinking heavily I am concerned that neither she nor we can be confident that she took appropriate precautions. She is not pregnant, but I am concerned about STDs. Knowing all this I am wondering if we should now use this as an ‘in’ to raise the issue of sexual health with her, and make an appointment at a young persons sexual health clinic?
So, my questions:
1. She has been in counselling for 4 weeks. Should we continue to bide our time before bringing this up (and hope that it comes up in counselling and she is encouraged to bring it up herself)?
2. Has anybody else had these kind of difficult conversations with SDs and if so how did you handle it?
3. Who should handle it?! DH is quietly reluctant to tackle this at all! It’s not comfortable for Dads to talk about sex with their daughters. But it’s not very comfortable for step mothers to talk about sex with their step daughters either! Last night I was outraged when we agreed that something needed to be said, and then he fell asleep on purpose to avoid it! I was churning with nervousness and annoyance. Do I a. Insist HE deals with this b. Be understanding about his reluctance and do it together c. Ditch the dead weight and try to do it on my own?
Any help and advice from others who have been in this situation would be much appreciated.
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Comments
This is a very hard situation
This is a very hard situation because while the other major issues are being dealt with, teenage sexuality isn't necessarily minor. I think I would've disagreed to the guy friend coming over, just because so much has been going on and that compounds the issue. I think if DH can't have the conversation with SD by himself, then it should be a joint effort. SD needs to understand that you and DH feel the same way and are both concerned for her health and safety. You going solo might want SD to pit you against her dad.
DH and I have had the sex talk with SD when she was 13 because she had left sexually explisit conversation on the family computer. I intercepted it but we both sat down and talked with her about it.
It is hard but you really should try to go as a united front. Good luck!
Hmm, 3 quite different
Hmm, 3 quite different perspectives. Your comments have given me a lot of food for thought.
pastepmomof3 I should stress that I am far from thinking that underage sex is a minor issue, but her other problems really are quite serious and her counsellor was certainly in agreement that it would be too much to try to confront everything at once. Plus in a way the sex problem is currently on hold because since she moved in with us she really has no opportunity to be intimate with anyone. Prevously she was unsupervised for hours after school before her mum got home, and within walking distance of hangouts and friends houses, she was also allowed to sleep over at friends houses, a privilege which she abused by lying about her whereabouts. We live in the middle of nowhere so she has to be driven anywhere she wants to go, I am stay home Mom to my 2 young children so collect her from school and bring her straight home, and she is no longer allowed to stay away from home. I do believe it was the right things to do allowing the boy to come over, mainly because previously SD would have lied and schemed to arrange things she thought we might disapprove of, so I see it as real step forward that she came to me and asked to have him visit here in our home. I think it would have sent the wrong message to refuse her first request to have a boy here. She has also been working with her counsellor on managing her own boundaries - i.e. discussing and negotiating things with us directly instead of secretly breaking boundaries. Overall I think you are right that we need to address it together, it's just such a difficult conversation to have!
Sueu2 I really agree with a lot of what you say about the significance of the father figure to young girls, and actually allowing him to escape this conversation would in a way be going back to the bad old days of brushing things under the carpet rather than dealing with things openly and honestly. DH dotes on SD14, but I think in the past they have lacked the real closeness and openness needed for him to have a real impact as a Dad on her views and behaviour, and that can only be addressed by his having the difficult conversations and really engaging with her about what is going on. He told the counsellor that he had always had SD14 on a bit of a pedestal and that is totally true. There was a moment a couple of weeks ago when we were all watching a movie and I looked over she was snuggled up to him on the sofa and he had his arm around her and it actually brought a tear to my eye because I thought that's how things used to be between them, and maybe if she'd had more of that closeness with the most important man in her life over the last couple of years perhaps she wouldn't have developed inappropriate closeness with teenage boys.
Wicked Childles for the reasons you mention I think I do have to be part of the discussion but overall I've decided DH does need to be involved. I don't think I'll have to force him because really he knows he ought to be able to handle things like this, he's just reluctant, as I am! I am fearful that she will try to brazen it out and deny it because that will be quite difficult to address but at this rate we may end saying, 'I know you say you're not active, but we can't have complete confidence in that, so for our peace of mind and yours you need to attend a sexual health clinic'.
Thanks all for taking the trouble to comment.
I had this same situation
I had this same situation when my DH's BD14 came to live with us. The talk had to be had. He knew it, I knew it, but he was distraught and couldn't bring himself to discuss it with her. He was having a really hard time even imagining his dear daughter doing such things. It was awful.
So I lead the conversation first.... then he was requested to join us and he did his little bit.... like.... we would like to make an appt for you to get in Birth Control....etc....
It worked for us. She was open when talking to me, but clammed right up when he entered and just nodded.
I was glad I was able to have a deep conversation with her about promiscuity, where it gets you, where it does not.... how teenage boys view things, and what can happen even if you don't get pregnant, regarding your reputation, STD's etc...
All that said .... her BM found out immediately, and was LIVID.... said we had no right and it was her job. We said... then you should have had the conversation long before now. She lives with us...full time, and we felt it was necessary. She is sexually active and we could not wait one more minute! BM refused to put her on BC and wanted her to "abstain" instead. She convinced SD14 that she would get FAT on BC. OMG>.... so... we supplied an ample supply of condoms and I pushed DH to work with BM on the BC. We never won that battle, because he could not battle the BM over it. We even had her on the regimen of the STD vaccine... before her 3rd and final shot... she moved again back to her mothers and her mother REFUSED to get the last vaccine for her. (her mom lives an hr away.) Fruitless effort.
SD14 continued to have sex.... got her heart broke and still to this day.... at 17.... she deals with her "reputation". Hooking up is ok.... with her. Its the peer group she is in... it is sad for us.
OF course.... she never admits to any of this. We just find out this stuff from all the little notes and letters she leaves laying around the house with the rest of her "junk" she never puts away, her facebook, her formspring, and whatever other social network she is posting her private info on.
Best of luck. Its a tough road.