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BD and New GF Problems! Please Help

bmartinez's picture

Sorry guys I know that this is a blog for step kids related but I am in some what a relatable situation and I need help big time. I have been seperated from the father of my DD for 5 years. I first decided to end the relationship for mutual respect. We could not just work as a relationship after 2 years. While we where together I had my now almost 6 year old daughter. Before her 1st birthday is when I got seperated from BD. During this whole time I was living in WI with my daughter and my family, finishing up college. All of my family decided to move to IL after shortly and ofcourse i wanted to move with them because I was going to be living in WI all alone with no family, I approched BD and ofcourse he said he refused for me to take our DD out of the state. After a long 7 months of living in a friends room with my daughter my attorney came to an agreement with BD to let me move out of the state with the right for BD to have share placement 1/2 time. We would have her rotating weekdays. This was going fine for about 2 years until the day that he found out I was getting married to my now 3 year relationship with my DH. During this time I explained to him that with DD starting Kinder she will have to stay with me full time and I will take her half way for DD to be with BD from Friday - Sunday. He was upset and has taken me to court atleast 5 times not no good reason other than he wants to change the way we exchange our daughter, to what days he wants, what weekends he wants. After he found out that I was getting married, we NEVER comunicate anything. The only time I get to hear about something that he wants to change regarding vacation, weekends, partys he communicates trought court. He is supposed to pay Child support via the court and he does not. I am never asking him for money, or fghting with him. But for some off reason he is always upset for everything I do anytihng I say. I would like us to have a better relationship for the sake of our DD but he is always upset. 

Then he got a new GF. At this point I knew she was a single mother herlself before bieng with him because she has a son. I tought that this would be nice so that she can maybe give him some advice regarding him maybe not being upset or fighting all the time. Boy I was wrong. At the beggining I tought maybe he was just not over the fact that I was moved on from him and tought that with a new GF it would be that he is not as bitter or upset because of his new relationship. But NO!

To give you just an example of what has happened read the next paragraph. 

He ofcourse took me back to court to establish a date of when my DD gets to go with him during her winter break. (Note he had never came and asked or told me he would be interested in having her for a week). I whent to court and agreed with him completely that he is to keep her 1 week out of the 2 weeks of her winter break and 5 weeks out of the summer vacation. I had no problem doing that what so ever (at this point he is still not helping financially). With the holidays approching, we spoke via phone briefly because my DD wanted to call him. I explained to him that I would take DD to him half way again for the regular weekend but that I would pick her up that Sunday so she can stay the first week of winter vacation and then I would drop her off that following weekend again and pick her up on sunday so he can spend the 2nd week of winter vacation with her. I asked him if that was fine and he whent off by saying yes. I dropped her off. Sunday night came and I was picking her up half way. Drove 1 hour away and he wasnt there. I called him and he stated that he was not showing up because according to the court that he was intitle to take both weeks for winter vacation. Afterwards the next day he textes me saying that he spoke to his lawyer and his lawyer said that he was allowed to keep her 1 week excluding his weekend since that was not stated in the agreement, as well as he was allowed to keep her any week because there is no specifics. I explained to him that I had already made plans and requested the week off to be with her. He just said ok. I told him that I would pick her up on Sunday so that way he has her his 7 days. I drove again half way and he was not there. I texted him and he continued by stating that he was not dropping her off until I agreet that I was dropping her off again on the weekend since it was his regular weekend. He kept my child hostile for like 2 more days. Released her on Wednesday passing the sunday she was supposed to come with me. The only reason why he let her go was because I showed up infron of his house and I had to sent him a text confirming with him that I had to bring her back on Friday. During this time the police said they could not do anythign about it because the current order does not have specific days or anything. During this as well his GF was outside withhim and yelling at the police that I was agreeing with all this. That I came to an agreement with him regarding this. I was so speachless. From there on out he has been so upset about unsure what. They both give me ugly faces., I am not sure what I did to upset this man so much that he needs to act like this. Please advise. 

Comments

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need to modify your custody order so it has exact dates and times and locations for custody changes. Then follow it exactly.

beebeel's picture

Well you paint yourself as the reasonable one, but you fought in court for 7 months to take his kid far away from him and won. I'm going to bet that pretty much destroyed any chance you had at an amicable coparenting relationship. 

I doubt your DH has much to do with your ex's choices. Your engagement coincided with the need to change the custody schedule due to kiddo starting school. Again, YOU moved. If your daughter was starting school back in Wisconsin rather than Illinios, your ex wouldnt be losing time with her. He wouldn't be desperate to keep her. He wouldn't be fighting you for "extra" days because he wouldn't need to.

Sorry lady, but your problems are self inflicted.

bmartinez's picture

Yes I agree 100%, I know that alot of the troubles we have are because of him not being able to see his daughter as much. I understand as a parent that you want to see your child but I moved because I had no family support, in top of that he wasnt even helping me financually to support our daguhter. My family was helping support myself and my daughter by providing housing and in other aspects as well. While the time us living in Wisconsin not once did he look for her up until the time I moved to Illinois. So i gues I just dont understand how its now unfair for him that I try to be ok with him and try to co-parent and he is still upset. 

beebeel's picture

I thought you guys had 50/50 custody while you still lived in Wisconsin. Why should he provide you housing? I would provide my own housing before I moved my kid so far from him other parent. Why wasn't that an option?

bmartinez's picture

No I never said he needed to provide housing, I simply am expressing my situation at that time. Of how much my parents where involved to help me because I had to financially support my daughter alone. Yes we had her 50/50 custody but I have primary placement which meant I provide everything for her because she lived 100% with me and he needs to assit to support her in which he doesnt. Her father never wanted her to live with him when we where living in Wisconsin. So I guess now its a problem that I decided to move to another state because its inconvinient to a parent that never helped, never visited or acknoleged his DD until now. ??? LOL

tog redux's picture

Well, you assumed automatically that because you are the mother, of course she would go with you full-time and visit him a few weeks a year? Instead of staying in the area so she could see her father 50/50.

I guess I'd agree to give him a generous parenting time schedule and then stick with it.

But you are right - GF shouldn't have gotten involved. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

There are plenty of people who do not have "family support". Make friends. Hire a babysitter. 

ESMOD's picture

I do believe the schedule you currently have does you a pretty nice favor of having pretty much all of your weekends "childless" and that may be one area where his new GF would have some resentment.

But... the rest of the post really revolves around the fighting you and your EX are doing.  He should be paying CS if it was reasonably ordered... and you and your atty need to do a better job of specifically laying out custody.  beyond that.. perhaps communication through our family wizard if you can't be civil between you.

Ispofacto's picture

It seems like you don't view the father as an equal parent.  You moved his child away from him.  I wonder what he would say about this situation.

 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - "I had to move so of course she went with me,"  the refrain of the mother who feels like the more important parent. 

bmartinez's picture

Well she whent with me because he never took care of her the time we lived in Wisconsin. How stupid would I look leaving my daughter in a state in which I dont live in with a parent who doesnt want to take her in? If that was the case for me to leave her there and move then maybe I would be judge by people like you in another way. This is a blog to help others not to try and make them feel bad for their situation.