What a Mess!
hello, I am new to this blogging thing. And the whole short versons of the family types/names. So please bare w/me. Ok, I am going to make this short as possible. I am a mother of 3 girls, 17,14,10. I have a good fulltime job of several years. I am currently engaged to a Man with 3kids too.He too has a good job. We are running into some major issues at this time. My finance' is use to working to support the family, and the kids being taken care of by the BM. :). So when we met he had only been seperated 2mths.(cheating wife)in another state. Therefore, he was a mess. No schedule, no rules, no routine. Well, there I was already experienced "single mom" for 7yrs. So of course my instincts took over (big mistake). For months, I supported this guy with knowlege, emotions, consideration, etc. I gave myself, and time to "help his family". With no expectation of anything in return but apprecation, and love. Everything was going along well until the task of managing 5 kids took it's toll on me. I was feeling as if he was expecting me too do this stuff. As if I had become the BM to his kids too. I was stressed to the point of health issues. Little by little I started backing off, thinking perhaps I was just to much in the way for him to do what "he" needed to do. Wrong. When he seen that I wasn't doing so much, and he was having to struggle and do more by himself, he started to somewhat resent me. We were arguing, and he wasn't as happy. And told me he had discovered that he didn't want to do things for me as much anymore. And he felt like I didn't like his kids, and that I wasn't being a part of the "family". That I was letting him do everything for and with his kids, when I should be helping too. Well, I was, just not as much. I expressed to him, I had kids before he came along, and that I still have them, and they are my responsibility too. He dosen't understand why we can't share responsibility for all the kids. Well, we can but not 80-20. Me being on the end of 80. So now, he feels he dosen't trust me to take care of the responsibilities for his kids. And dosen't think I will ever do it.......
OMG......I am pulling my hair our, spinning in circles w/ him. And i haven't had a chance to get into the SKids issues, and the BKids issues, and the EX issues...............Jeez.....I am just wondering if all this is worth it.
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love is worth it but
you have to be able to get through to him. maybe you should take him to counseling. dh and i went a few years ago and we only get sd every other weekend. men and women are soooo different (who am i telling, right?) and sometimes the simplest of conversations can go bad. see if he is willing to make this work and if so, it's worth it. you have a LOT on your plate and i feel for you. do you love this man? does he love you? if you can get him to counseling, i think he will finally be able to hear what you are saying. it's amazing how another person listening in can make all the difference...
best of luck!
What a busy household!
I would be going crazy too. Maybe you and DH need some adult time to re-establish your relationship. That is what this is all about anyway; you and him. My DH and I sometimes get so wrapped up in what is going on with kids, house, jobs etc. that we forget how much we mean to each other and enjoy each others company. Counseling is probably a good idea too as Imdavi0 pointed out. Do you guys spend any quality time together?
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
Sounds about right
Just wanted to echo the other comments. Seems like life is ALL about the kids and day-to-day stuff right now...which happens, but you need to make time for JUST you and DF. it's so easy to forget why you are together in the first place--and that's because of the love and friendship you guys have, not the favors you do for one another's kids, you know? We do those favors and care for the kids BECAUSE we love our partners, otherwise it's solely a business arangement. Do whatever you must to get back to center. And yes, therapy might be a good idea.
Good luck!
Krissy
I completely understand
My fiance gets mad with me when i don't keep his kids while he leaves for a while. I tell him this i don't have kids and i never had the desire to have any kids. Your kids are here to spend time with you not me. Then he gets mad and says well how can we get married if you don't accept my kids. UGH that is not what i'm saying its just that they are his responsibility not mine. I love his kids don't get me wrong but i am not going to be tied down with them either.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
thanks
Hey thanks yall.....Now I don't feel so alone. I have been thru thearpy before when I went thru my 1st divorce. I found a lot out about myself and how to relate to others. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect at relationships, that's why i am on here. But I have done A LOT of reading, and inner searching. I am starting to second guess myself in this relationship, and I know that's not a good thing. I had gotten to a point in my life where I was at peace with myself as an individual in the area within my heart and knew what I wanted, and where I was going. But now, with the constant finger pointing from him, telling me what I do and don't do, and what I need to do, and what I should be doing, i am having a really hard time grasping that. "DH" is the one with the problems. As i told DH, your problems with the BMEX were there before me, and the problems with you being a SF for you BS (handicap) were just begining. I have also come to realize over the past day or so, that all of DH anger and fear is coming from his past that he is roling over into his present (ME). DH gets angry with me for not "wanting" to be a full-time mom to his kids especially his handicapp son. When my question to him would be, WHY IN THE HECK AREN"T YOU MAD AT HIS BM? I am serious, he just sails along with her like nothing ever happened, and gives her what she wants, when she wants it.....and now with me, constant backbiting. I know he needs to let the negative feelings out, but not on me. To tell you the truth, my kids are old enough to do for themselves, and I didn't start dating him to start being a full-time mom to his handicapp son who has really been left by the wayside from his BM, and BF (DH).
As far as "us" well, that is all it amounts to. We hardly EVER get time alone. My kids are with their BF every other weekend, which give me a big break, inwhich I would catch up on housework, shopping, resting, etc. Now, it is slammed with basically with, entertaining his kids, and caring for them 90% of the weekend. Most of the time they are with us arm and arm. Basically, the only a lone time we seem to get is at night when we sleep. And if we take a chance and "try" to be alone, we are so keyed up from the kids, we are just to tired physically, and mentally to even function on a emotional level. I do love this man, but I really question if "I" am in his life or if it is just a figure of what he "needs" for his kids. He is willing to go to thearpy, and we start next week. I wish I could have a sleep over at the thearipsts house, that is how much I need to vent to have someone tell me that I am not imagining things.