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sad news brings reflection

bluehighlighter's picture

I was in love once before and almost married to a guy i dated all through college and a little after. We both had our issues, mine being that i came from a crazy mother and didn't realize how much she affected my ability to have a normal loving relationship. His that he cheated at least once. His family however was awesome. They were there for me when my father passed away, as my brother abandoned us and I was left to deal with my crazy mother alone. They didn't let me be alone. They always to this day keep in touch with me, his older sister and one of his cousins. He is now married to a girl he was half dating when he and I were still trying to figure out if we could make it work between us. I was still wearing a ring that he placed back on my finger and asked me to keep when I first learned about her. I tried to warn her but she didn't listen. He's a very caring person but not faithful. He is sweet and charming and not creepily so but he will wander from time to time and she seemed like a nice girl and didn't want her to have to go through it and waste her time. Well they are married now and have a baby. LOL

Anyway fast forward to how this relates to SO ... This morning SO and I were talking about funerals after watching Orange is the new black last night and it involved a funeral. It led to a discussion about nursing homes and I gave the example of my ex's great aunt who was like a mom to me and that her friend a guy that had always loved her so much checked into the same assisted living place to be with her and care for her. I learned this morning that last night she passed away. She really was such an awesome person. I still here and there keep up with the ex's his sister, she was a big help after we broke up and said she loved her brother but I was way more awesome then he was ready to be... I messaged with her today about the talk I had with SO this morning. We briefly talked about the new man in my life and that she'd love to be invited to our wedding but it's totally up to us. That she had been with me thru rough times and she'd love to see atleast a picture of me going through a great time. Little does she know what a struggle it is to be a stepmom and how hard a fight it is to keep our relationship from going down the drain. She reminded me that if we can get thru the rough times together we can get through anything.

I had a little bit of a moment missing that family and a few tears for the great aunt that passed away and memories of her. I started reflecting about the two dif. types of guys ... my ex who knew the right thing to say and when, was attentive etc but at the end of the day no matter what love was there I couldn't count on him to be trustworthy. SO doesn't always say the right thing but what he says is honest. He lives honest, he's faithful and the fact that he did what he had to do to be able to take care of his son on his own (b/c BM is completely nuts) a bunch of character traits were proven already right there in front of me his character, strength of convictions ... No matter what we go thru and if we argue or not he comes up with plans to make things better and actually DOES the work it takes to be in a relationship b/c he wants the relationship to work. He loves me and while he doesn't wooo me so to speak all the time with charms his actions speak louder than any nice words that could be spoken.

I'll admit that it makes me a little sad that I didn't have his first child, that my ex and his wife have that chance to have that experience together. but would I want a child with someone who would cheat? Someone who I'd be embarrassed to tell my future daughter that I stayed with even after he disrespected me so badly by being with another woman? I wouldn't want that for myself. While SO and I's relationship had its challenges, he and I actually really enjoy each other,we want each other and no one else and it's unthinkable that he'd ever do that to me. it's not in him to do it. I struggled with believing that for a long time and finally it sunk in. Getting thru challenges together and coming out better step by step are worth alot more than being fooled.

Last night SO was being sweet and saying (he usually doesn't use his words lol) but saying that "i'll take you with me everywhere I go, anywhere I go I want you with me, I love you."

anywho... just time for reflection. being thankful for who and what I have.