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Straight to the point

Blue At Times's picture

I’m going to skip the history of the situation and go straight to my vent and would appreciate any feedback. 

My 14 y/o stepson throws tantrums. Screaming. Slamming doors and drawers. He calls his father horrible, derogatory names. He has absolutely no respect for him nor many others. He has threatened to call the police and lie about physical abuse. Last night he threatened my husband, that he’d lock him out of the house and let him freeze. This was after he punched my husband in the chest. After an earlier remark of “go to hell” and the threat and the third time of calling my husband “a retard” I spoke up. I absolutely raised my voice and scolded him. Specifically, this is how it went:

Me: You are unbelievable. You're ungrateful and disrespectful. Your father does nothing but take your crap everyday and you throw tantrums like a 4 year old. Go ahead roll your eyes, I really don't care. If you were my kid I'd break that PS4. 

Him: you're not my mom

Me: Thank God

Him: nobody likes you

His father and his mother do not get along. I immediately realized my error. Within minutes his father started to receive long, hateful texts from the mother about how I was not to talk to her child that way because I am not his parent. 

I agree I should have been less emotional and more tactful. All I can say is that I was so fed up with my husband being bullied by a boy that I could not stay quiet any longer. Unfortunately, this is only going to make matters worse. I did nothing to help the situation and for that I feel absolutely awful. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

What does your husband do when his son treats him that way? He's the one who needs to set limits, not you. If he's just sitting around letting his teenage son bully and abuse him, he's the real problem here.

Blue At Times's picture

My husband tells him it’s unacceptable behavior. He tells him to stop talking to him like that. It seems to fall on deaf ears. He takes away his electronics. He makes him repair damages. He tries to communicate with the mother that disciplinary actions must be followed in both households. He imposed her punishments but she will not enforce his at her house. When the punches happen he just takes them. He says they don’t hurt and he doesn’t know what to do about them. These days he knows he can’t touch him. 

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, I would inform your husband that in the future if you observe physical violence in your home.. you will be calling the police.  A kid that far off the rails should be in some sort of therapy.

As for mom.. I would tell her that if she had raised her son to be a decent human being.. you wouldn't have had to say a thing.

Blue At Times's picture

I will be calling the police. The kid has been smart enough not to do it with me in the room. I have begun documenting the tantrums and threats in written word. I plan to start recording them. 

The mother has said that she’ll meet with me if I want to. I believe it to be more of a threat than progress because she has not expressed any interest in discussing my role in her children’s lives until 30 minutes after this incident. But I did not back down. I said I will be happy to meet whenever convenient for her. I will be going into this having seen the texts about me and the new nickname of “trophy wife” she has given me. Which is incredibly confusing since I work full time, happily in a public service job for years and she just recently “quit” her job, I suspect otherwise and is living off her child support and doctor fiancé. I know that wasn’t productive but it’s annoying and I needed to say it!

justmakingthebest's picture

Good! This is what I would suggest as well. Physical violence is never ok and just because the punches don't hurt DH now, it doesn't mean that they wont in another couple of years. Or, that they won't hurt you. 

PS- you don't always have to be productive in your posts, it is ok to rant and get mad too! And alway- Rock that Trophy Wife title! 

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

I honestly have to agree with this Mom.

Doing all this you would not be in my home.

There's only so many times you're going to be disrespectful and get away with it.

Ispofacto's picture

If the boy hits anyone again, call the police immediately.

Videotape his tantrums, and play them back for him to see.  Post them on facebook.

 

Blue At Times's picture

I have begun to write down the incidences. I have told my husband I will be video documenting everything from now on. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If this brat has threatened to call CPS, you need to document in order to protect yourself and your (foolish) husband.

And ditto on calling the police. What you tolerate, you condone.

lala-land's picture

What the heck.  No one should put up with verbal and physical abuse.  I would personally remove all forms of electronics from the kid ( TV, phone, games, internet, you name it, it would be gone).  And it would stay gone until he could afford to pay for all that stuff himself. I would assume he would try to get his mom/defence attorney to yell and berate you and DH.  I would also assume this young man would run to live with mommy full time and/or report you to cps...time for nanny cams.    BM should have no input into how your household is run and telling you how to behave in your own home is inappropriate.  And you standing up to a 14 year old bully is entirely appropriate. Why is your DH taking this abuse from his son and indirectly from BM? Does he expect you just to stand by and watch?  Long term accepting this behavior from SS can have very serious consequences that neither BM nor DH will not be able to solve.

Blue At Times's picture

Mom has primary physical custody. This is a consistent event on his fathers weekends. 

His dad just doesn’t know what to do at this point. SS hasn’t come at me so his dad hasn’t shown whether or not he would stand for it. 

I have warned him of long term consequences and I think he is just lost. I suggested therapy months ago. BM has now asked his dad to take him to therapy. I told him I still think it’s a good idea and I think BM needs to go as well. 

thinkthrice's picture

Demon SS14 would have been put through a wall by dad and kid would wimper away then straighten up and fly right.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yikes. 

I love when skids throw the "You're not my mom" at you like that's supposed to hurt. Or, like my OSD said one time, thinking she'd be hurtful. 

OSD: "I can't wait to turn 18...I'll never come here to see you people again!" 

Me: "You promise? Can I get that in writing?" 

advice.only2's picture

Right!!! When Spawn moved out and never came back I'm sure she was delusional enough to believe that DH and I would suffer knowing we no longer have a relationship with her.

I so wish I could find her and thank her for taking her toxic lifestyle away from us and letting us live our lives in peace.

Blue At Times's picture

I worried my “thank god” comment went too far. Thank you for making me feel like it’s ok to smart off. Your comment made me smile 

thinkthrice's picture

a threat or a promise?"

Evil3's picture

I disagree with you that you shouldn't have said what you said. I think it's actually a necessity for someone to address a feral brat sometimes, especially if you have a Disney dad on your hands who is not willing to yank Poopsie's chain. I would inform your DH in private that his allowing his precious to throw tantrums like that is now over as your SS is 14 and getting bigger and stronger every day. What the hell is going to happen when he's full grown and has the weight, muscle and power behind his punches? What does your DH do when his son punches him? Inform your DH that you, as the lady of the house, have a zero tolerance policy on violence in YOUR home. You are 50% of the adult partnership in the home and sometimes we ladies have to take the lead and violence is an absolute no-no. Talk to your DH and tell him what you need from him and what it will look like for him (your consequences) if he fails to yank Poopsie's chain. Then, the next tantrum, you tell your SS (but only if your DH is there as your SS has crossed the line and struck his own dad) that he must immediately stop or you will call the police. Say it only once. If he doesn't stop, then call the police and tell them you have an out of control male teen in your home and you're afraid that he will harm himself or others. I used to work with the police and they thought nothing of attending these calls. They will not criticize you at all. They'll only encourage you to call again should Poopsie loose his nut again.

Poopsie is throwing tantrums and making threats of false allegations because he can. Your DH sounds like he's scared crapless of his own child, so your SS has found out what works for him. Why would he change? It's time to change it up and make it very unpleasant for him. If he threatens false allegations again, then hand him the phone. In fact, have the police come. Yes, it's embarrassing to call the cops for that, but you need to take big-time action for big-time behaviours. Your SS needs to learn that if you do the crime you do the time. That can be literal or just meaning that for every action there are consequences. Get your DH on board now before this kid gets older, bigger and stronger.

24 years as a SM's picture

You seriously need nanny cameras with audio, install throughout your whole house, hide those cameras everywhere, except the bathroom. The next time that little sh*t hits your DH, call the police. This kid could possibly be jeopardingyour job, there are some public service jobs that will suspend or fire you over any hint of child abuse. If this little shit or BM figure this out, you could be without a job and ruin your career.

Blue At Times's picture

So far, joining this forum has been the smartest decision I’ve made in awhile! Thank you so much for the support. It’s both reassuring and slightly disheartening that there are so many of us out there dealing with difficult situations.  

Mystic18's picture

Granted, my SS is Autistic, but has done much of the same behavior in my home and we have learned it has nothing to do with Autism and everything to do with getting his way.  When he first came to live with us in June, he tried everything he could think of to avoid doing ANYTHING - up to and including accusing his father of abuse.  My husband is in school to become a teacher and that little sh*t could have ruined his career before it even started, except for the fact that we told the school about this before the kid said anything.  We let them know he's fabricating tall, dark tales about abuse and were terrified about what that could mean.  Thankfully, they'd seen some hideous behavior at school with threats about/toward others, so they believed us right away.  But when we got the call that he'd ran the mouth at school, I was beside myself with anger. 

He has broken items, kicked a hole in my wall, destroyed his (new) blinds, torn up books, hit my husband, etc.  This was all concentrated in the first 4 months he was with us but signs of this recurring BS behavior have been cropping up.  Children with behavioral issues - Autistic or not - need consistency.  Don't let your guard down, ever.  It's awful and I'm really glad you don't live with this kid full time.  

I agree with everyone else - document, get the police involved, etc.  Your DH wouldn't tolerate this behavior from anyone else, why his child? Calling him out on it and forcing him to take responsibility is the best thing either of you can do for that kid.  

Lastly, I see nothing wrong with what you said to him.  Who says he gets to act like a jackass and you don't get to have a say? No one.  Not even the mother that created this monster.  Keep your chin up.  

notasm3's picture

As for BM - "Ignore the whore."  Seriously you do not have to listen to one word that comes out of her mouth.

You ALWAYS have the right to tell a punk ahole to STFU.  This little ahole needs some consequences.

 

Blue At Times's picture

I couldn’t agree more about consequences. They need to be much more severe than they currently are for him. 

StepMa2BeeYo's picture

I asked my SO and he said tell the boy to stay home with mom.  Let that be her issue.

And that's coming from a parent.

So IDK ... Sad

tog redux's picture

Does he do this at school and at BM's? If not, then this a symptom of alienation on BM's part.  If he does do it everywhere, then he definitely needs mental health treatment.

Blue At Times's picture

Yes at BM, no at school. He disrespects both parents equally with words. I do not believe he has physically assaulted her. That’s just for his dad, I guess. Unfortunately, the BM is just difficult and doesn’t want to admit that her son will continue to be an issue. He has learned, “it’s everyone else’s fault, not my own” from her. That is what I have seen. 

tog redux's picture

Time for therapy that both DH and BM participate in with him.  If he doesn't do it at school, then it's more related to family stuff.

you-can't-argue-with-crazy's picture

IMO I don't think anything you said was wrong. He's a 14 year old not a 5 year old. If my SS was acting that way in my house he'd be getting a lecture longer than that one, and a call to the cops! 

Don't listen to the ex, you have every right to say what you did when her brat son is acting that way in your house, IMO! 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I would have to remove myself from this mess. No not divorce, I don't like to toss that around lightly. But I would get up and walk out. Not my kid not my problem. If dad wants to allow that in his home go ahead. But with zero support. 

But before I walked out I would make it known that his tantrums do NOT affect you nor your relationship with his father. But the opposite. The more he carries on the less he will be around, or be welcome, as it is a quick trip back to mom. 

Let dad handle the crazy! 

 

Step-girlfriend's picture

I don’t blame you for saying the things you did at all, and I probably would have said it myself, and perhaps worse. I don’t have tolerance for kids acting like that though, I feel someone needs to put them in their place. That could probably be debated and I’m sure others disagree, I just don’t take crap I guess. And sometimes, we don’t keep our cool and handle everything perfectly. We’re human, it happens. 

Love the suggestions of a nanny cam. Also, I would be looking into a boot camp type thing for this little a*shole. I’ve been seeing commercials on TV for a place in our state that is actually free. Let’s see how he likes that!

notsurehowtodeal's picture

to say what you did. It is your house - you can call the kid out on his behavior. DH needs to ignore BM when she starts talking trash about you.

I can't believe your DH let his son hit him. What is going to happen when SS gets bigger and decides to do more than hit his chest? My SS called my DH out once when he was about 16. DH took him to the ground and told him if he every came after him again that DH would do way more than just throw him down. SS never thought about touching his Dad again. If SS goes after DH physically again, DH needs to put the fear of Dog in him.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You have the right to refuse SS coming int your home. You can tell your DH that if he wants a relationship with his son, he can, but it will take place outside your home and away from you.

There comes a point where you can't protect others, and you've hit that. Dad doesn't have to beat the crap out of his son, but he can have him arrested. He can file a restraining order against him. He can have him committed for being a threat to himself and others. He can take away everything he owns and make him earn it all back. He can take him to therapy.

Your DH's choice to NOT do anything isn't your responsibility to bear the consequences of. You have the right to a peaceful, safe home. If your DH won't protect himself, then protect yourself. Nanny cams, ban SS from your home AND presence, and call the cops if he ever does come around threatening violence or is actually committing it. If your DH doesn't like it, he can go live on his own and deal with it as he sees fit.