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Exercise in communication made things worse…waaaaaay worse

blessedwithstress's picture

Well THAT went over like a whore in church. We met with BM and all of the discussion related to the birthday party went off without a hitch.

Then I decided it was time to defend my household and call BM out on her bullsh*t.

I won’t rehash all the details because it was the mother of all clusterf*cks. BM almost immediately cut me off and started making threats. DH lost his temper. Then things would calm down for a minute. Then tempers would flare again. Their primary argument? Why is it fair that we have to bear all of this burden? (meaning SD17s car insurance) and we’re like Why is it fair of you to demand that we pay you money that WE DON’T HAVE while you say too f*cking bad?!

In the end, DH caved and said he would try to come up with a portion of the money, but not all of it. I said, pft. You can say that all you want but its going to be a long time before you see any of it because WE DON’T F*CKING HAVE IT.

So we come home. DH is flaming p*ssed. Decides to try and storm out the door to go to a side job that he is in the middle of because “All I’m good for is going to work.” Mind you, it is after 6pm on Sunday, we haven’t had dinner, and he never goes to side jobs that late. I manage to convince him to stay home but then we proceed to have the biggest fight we’ve EVER had. Guns blazing. No holds barred. I didn’t say anything I regret but I am still reeling after some of the things he said.

He claims that he’s almost 40 years old with nothing to show for his life.

Excuse me, what?

When I met him, he was sitting in a crater of debt left to him by the c*nt ex-wife. (My parents actually loaned us money so he could file bankruptcy before we got married and start fresh) Almost all of his bills were past due, shut off notices coming every other week. He had a POS car that he could barely keep running. He was stuck in a union job that paid well…until he would get laid off for months at a time. He hated that job. He got no respect. Working conditions weren’t fit for an animal. He had to drive 2 hours each way. His life sucked.

Fast forward 10 years and we have a lovely house in town that is building a fair amount of equity. He has the newest vehicle he’s ever owned that is dependable and rust-free. He owns a f*cking Harley-Davidson motorcycle that is in excellent working condition (one of his lifelong dreams). He went back to school and now has a job that pays as well as the union ever did and doesn’t lay him off. Working conditions are exponentially better. He has two more amazing kids that are smart as whips and starving for his attention. And the icing on the cake, IMHO? He has a wife who isn’t a fat, lazy, adulterous whore.

He literally told me that everything we’ve achieved over the last decade is sh*t. His words. WTF am I supposed to do with that?

In his mind, because we are budgeted to the hilt, struggling with credit card debt, and can’t just go out and buy any ol’ thing we want, our life is sh*t. No, buddy. Your life is sh*t because you pay that whore double what you should and don’t care how it affects the rest of your family.

He thinks I’m fighting back on this issue because I don’t see the skids as equal members of the household and don’t want to support them. Doesn’t matter how many ways I try to tell him that’s not the case, he still thinks I have it out for them. Well, you know what? If he continues to refuse to see reason, then yes, I am going to have it out for them a little. I didn’t sign up to live a life of sacrifice and financial ruin so they could have everything they want. And if he thinks that’s how I’m going to live, he’s got a rude awakening coming.

I’ve started looking at family lawyers. I’ve got the name of a few that come highly recommended. I don’t want a divorce. I still love him enough that I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m not sure how far my love extends beyond that.

I plan to offer him a compromise of sorts. Effective immediately, we will open a new, joint checking account. All deposits will come from HIS paycheck. That is the only account we will use to pay child support from now until the end of days. If he wants to continue paying that whore more than his base amount, he can start a weekly direct deposit into that account to save up. If he doesn’t have it, she doesn’t get it because I will not put a f*cking dime of my money into that account. Ever.

If he doesn’t accept that proposal, then he will have to accept a call from a divorce laywer.

Comments

tog redux's picture

Actually, I think that made things better, because now it's in the open, and it's being discussed. 

blessedwithstress's picture

It definitely made me realize that I'd reached my limit and something absolutely has to change. Guess we'll see...

Siemprematahari's picture

If he doesn’t accept that proposal, then he will have to accept a call from a divorce laywer.

Cheering for you! Sorry you had to go through all this BS but it needed to happen. Things were said and now it's time to take action. You have sacrificed and done more than enough. For him to dismiss all that you both have tried to build and say he has sh!t to show for it would be something that I would not ever forget. At the end of the day HE created all this. He has kids to support and he chooses to support them at the expense of you and yours due to his guilt. You and your kids shouldn't suffer for his unresolved issues. If he wants to bend over and continue catering to BM, so be it. I hope he chooses wisely .

DH caved and said he would try to come up with a portion of the money, but not all of it.

Him caving to this would've been a problem....makes me wonder why he just didn't stay with her.

Hope everything works out in your favor.

blessedwithstress's picture

The fact that he caved is another part of what pushed me over the edge. We talked numerous times and very clearly agreed that he would not, under any circumstances, give her any amount of money for car insurance. Our agreement could not have been more clear. But, like always, all she has to do is start screeching and he backs right down. Even with me right there showing him that I was NOT afraid of her and would not be bullied. 

Another thing that really gets my goat? Is that both DH and BM are acting like nothing happened. He woke up the next morning, snuggled on the couch with me for a minute, kissed me goodbye like always and said goodbye. Then when I was trying my hardest not to explode at him last night he gets all pouty and has the nerve to say 'Why are you so mad at me? You're being so crabby. I'm trying my best.' I didn't even dignify that with a response. And SHE keeps messaging me about stupid sh*t like we're BFFS. Are you still dieting? I need to do something because I feel miserable? What's your secret? OMG I just love these new nail polish strips I just bought. I really needed a new manicure! Like, STFU already! How can these two seriously act like nothing happened?

And my favorite part? SS16 was sitting nearby when the argument with BM went down. So he goes back to BMs, tells SD17 what happened, then they call a 'family meeting' to talk with DH over at some restaurant in town (without me!) and tell him they're worried because DH and BM were fighting and they don't want things to change. And this is after BM told us they've been whining to her that WE GUILT-TRIP THEM ABOUT STUFF ALL THE TIME. *smacks head against table

Siemprematahari's picture

We talked numerous times and very clearly agreed that he would not, under any circumstances, give her any amount of money for car insurance.

The fact that he acts oblivious would make me want to punch him in the throat. He didn't keep his word and went back on a promise. That is not what a real man does and to wake up the next day as if everything is rainbows and unicorns would have him feeling my wrath.

It appears he doesn't seem to respond to nice so acting like a complete B!tch is what he needs. Why is BM texting you? Can you shut that down so you have no contact with her? You both are not BFF's so what's up with all that extra stuff? Some people tend to mistake kindness for weakness and BM is taking full advantage of it while your H allows it.

blessedwithstress's picture

BM has been texting me for the last 6 years in the name of having open lines of communication. Personally I think she just likes to paint a picture to her friends and coworkers that she has this wonderfully magical relationship with her ex and his wife and it makes her feel like a good person. I only allow it because it gives me a chance to stalk her pages and catch her on bullsh*t when she lies about stuff they're doing.

Rest assured, if he agrees to my proposal, her relationship with me will come to an abrupt end. 

Gimlet's picture

Your husband needs to grow up.

Your parents helped you file bankruptcy and he's racked up more credit card debt??  Did he learn nothing?   Close the accounts and live off your cash, and he won't have extra money to spend on ridiculous birthday parties.

He needs to set boundaries with his spending, period.  With skids and elsewhere.  Also IDGAF that the Harley is his "dream" if your debt is this stressful he needs to sell it.  

I hope he agrees to your terms.  If he thinks he is unhappy now, wait until he has to pay CS for your mutual kids.

blessedwithstress's picture

Nope. He didn't learn anything. His parents sucked with money and he inherited the gene. He is utterly incapable of making smart financial decisions. It's all impulse for him. He tries, bless him, but ultimately he hates it when I make him do things the smart way.

tog redux's picture

The fact that he "hates" when you make him do things the RESPONSIBLE way is the telling point - he hasn't inherited a bad money gene, he's learned and embraces an irresponsible way of life. Anyone can learn how to manage money if they are willing to give up having whatever they want immediately - he wants to act like a teenager instead.  The "bad with money" thing is a cop-out to me - it's called being an ADULT.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Wow, your H and his ex live in their own little delusional world, don't they? No wonder he caters to her rather than you. You are the buzzkill adult who is always trying to make him deal with reality. How mean.

This Peter Pan simply cannot be trusted with money or credit at all, ever. Do whatever it takes to cut all financial ties with him. Take away the joint c.c.s, make him pay you a lump sum that represents his share of the monthly expenses (including paying extra on the c.c. debt), and remove his access to your money. No more enabling him! Not one penny of yours floats him!. As for the bike, he needs to sell it. How ridiculous for a guy that far in debt to have such a toy.

I think it's absolutely wonderful that you stood up to him and BM, and I bet that made you feel better, didn't it? You're seeing things more clearly now. Stand firm. You've officially painted a target on you back by shutting off the money fountain, but who cares? Just be ready for the carp to blow back when skids don't get everything they want.

See that attorney (or several) to find out where you stand and what you need to do to protect yourself financially, and go online to find out how much cs your H would be paying you. The next time he plays the poor poor me, tell him he can either work with you to dig out of the financial hole he's created, or he can work with BM, pay you X amount of cs, and live in his work truck. His choice.

Merry's picture

I had to go “tough love” on DH with money. He’s still not great but his little fantasy land is gone. DH now wants to buy an old pos car that is just like the one he had in college. (DH is 70.) I’m tired of saying no. I’m tired of showing him the budget. So last time he whined I told him I’d love to talk about it when he’s saved enough money for it. Mr. Instant Gratification will never do it. 

But, yeah, he’s cut off from all things money except for an allowance and some cash he generates through a hobby. I fruggin hate being the only grownup in the house. 

Hope your DH figures out how good he’s got it with you. 

ReginaPhalange's picture

Your DH is dead wrong and an ass.  He has a beautiful life because of you!  You guys have assets. which is something to show for.  Two wonderful kids that are priceless.

I really think your proposal is good.  Show him what he wouldn't have if it weren't for you.  You shouldn't have to pay anything towards CS.  That's all on him.  His baggage, his expense, his bank account. You didn't fuck her - he did.  Hope it works out!

MurphysLaw's picture

You may as well call the divorce attorney now. He MAY “agree” to your proposal, but will never abide by it. He’ll say whatever it takes to shut you up. He has zero respect for you, your marriage, the family you’ve built together. He appreciates NOTHING you’ve done or sacrificed for him.

He should have stayed with that pig he bred with the first time, they sound like two peas in a pod.

Youre too good for this guy.

Sorry for your troubles 

pickles45's picture

Wow like I posted on another blog - I am glad I have 0 contact with SO's ex. I also have never and will never contribute a dime to his ex or his daughter (other then when I buy gifts for bday and Xmas for her and the few groceries of stuff I know she likes). 

My SO and I have 100% seperate finances and will for 3 more years. When alimony and CS ends THEN I will consider merging finances with him. I hate that for now the house is in his name only but I swear I feellike if we co-owned it and she knew how much I make she would try to get more money from him. 

End7r's picture

Good idea on the bank accounts.  A lot of men have a midlife crisis around 40 and feel like they haven't accomplished anything.  That's what happened to my ex and he left me when I was pregnant with our third child.  

thinkthrice's picture

Chef went down that same road.  let the BM take him for every.penny.he.had.

He AGREED to sign away his rights to the marital home and every thing in it.  he AGREED to everything she demanded and more--including OvERpaying the CS (because that makes them feel like wonderful daaaddies REGARDLESS of the fact that SM is usually propping this up behind the scenes)

He ALWAYS caved to mo' money, mo' money MO' MONEY for the Girhippo and skids and even for his ex-MIL Battleaxe Gallactica (long story).

Then he proceeded to file bankrupcty, and blame me for EVERYTHING even though I rescued HIS ass! He had nothing but the shirt on his back. I was a self supporting single mom (and happy with my quiet life and almost grown children who were properly raised)

Chef goes through money like it grows on trees.  He has a poor mouth mentality and is an impulse buyer.  Do we have the same men???!!! Oh and he blamed the PASout on me as well as the "pooooor mmeeeee I have nooothing to shoowwww for iiiiiit" routine.  Just yesterday he said:

"I should have never married" (good took only 15 years to admit that)

"And should have played guitar instead." (WHHAAATTT You have ZERO musical talent ok as a hobby but that's it) 

Then he backed off of his country music star aspirations and denied "wanting to be a star." 

Yep you have a giant man-toddler.  Was he by any chance the baby of his family?

I wouldn't wish this on anyone and if you can run do so!

Gimlet's picture

Can you just rent a remote cabin with one of those scary cellars, throw some beer and a side of ham down there, lock the door when Chef goes for it and drive away?   

thinkthrice's picture

Biggrin

theoldredhen's picture

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Phew! (redhen dries streaming eyes.) I needed that, Gimmy. It hit my funnybone dead center!

Give rose

thinkthrice's picture

Chef is too.  The oldest in one family is often attracted to the baby of another family.  Oldest are more likely to be responsible and mature.  Babies are fun loving, free wheeling, immature and often irresponsible.

Harry's picture

Why have a meeting with her.  To tell you to give SD all the gold you can.  Your problem with DH will not stop when SD reaches 18.  DH and BM still have something going on between them.  Or DH would not put up with this. .  It’s never going to end.

yes, set up an account that covers all the house hold bills. Car payments and insurance, a home repair fund, a vacation fund. Christmas fund , a retirement fund.  Have DH put his 65% of the money into the fund.  You are paying for SD to be over.  Anything left over, he can give SD. If has does not have his amount he needs a second job. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

DD5's dad pays for SD19's car insurance.  The agreement was he would pay for the oldest and North Korea would pay for the youngest.  Well the younger one turned 16 and she started demanding he also cover her car insurance and he said no. There was SERIOUS drama and horrific fights were she would put him on speaker phone and go in younger SD's room so she could hear their fight.  Then SD then 16 would call him and say she never wanted to speak to him again and he was despicable.  He ended up curling up in a ball and laying in bed in the dark in a deep depression for three days saying he should have just paid it and he would sitll have his daughter.

and just as predicted she totaled that car not two months later.   Said she had a blood sugar incident and blacked out and that's why she hit a tree.  I suspect alcohol..  She's graduated now but this time last year she took a 15 year old girl with her to a party and they all got drunk and the 15 year old drove another kid's car home with a bunch of kids in it and wrecked it drunk.  So she proved she was irresponsible and not worthy of anyone paying her car insurance.  North Korea kept saying, "She's getting a job and she'll pay you every month for it."  FYI, she still doesn't have a job now and she graduated in May.  

so yes, don't let them bully you.  

pickles45's picture

Ha speaking of cars- my SO’s daughter will start driving this month (permit) and he actually suggested she could drive my car! Umm that was a hard NO!!! I can’t say anything to her, ask her to do anything etc but she can drive my brand new immaculate clear leased car??? I said no so fast it wasn’t even funny! Luckily to back my decision up she couldn’t drive it anyways because she’s not on the lease. 

futurobrillante99's picture

What is wrong with these men thinking they can offer up the things WE work hard to have and take care of? I cannot tell you how many times XH2 acted as if MY things were things HE could offer up to his kids. Yeah, NO! His kids never took care of their own things OR his. I wasn't letting them wreck or lose my things, too.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

FYI OP.  You're kind of my hero right now. It takes some serious bada$$ery to stand up and give an ultimatum like that. You're awesome!