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Struggling with 6yr old twin stepdaughter

Blended fam of 10's picture

Hi guys

1st time poster.

Quick run down.  I have 6 Bio. Ages 27 down to 3. 

Partner has 4 children 12, 9, and twin 6 yrs.

I get on fabulous with the boys 12 and 9. Have small moments with 1 twin but generally ok. The other twin.  Not at all.

I have 2 rules.  We don't yell in our house and we share.  She can't do either. I've tried rewarding not yelling and in yelling I mean blood curdkung screaming at siblings and parents. She's constantly telling me how much she hates me and my 3yr old bio. 

When she comes we have to take my bio into our room for the duration to stop her hitting and yelling at her.  

We can't take her anywhere as she completely loss her cheap in full tantrum which humiliates my DH and ruins it for the other children.  Please help.  

Oh we have her not beer often only holidays but it s devastating this is how our family holidays are spent. 

BM didn't help the situation she had blames DH for leaving her years ago.  She's been in another relatioship 3 yrs. We are 10 months in.  If there's any diagnosis needed it won't happen. BM can not communicate. All has been legal contact. 

Yesterday the 2 boys were so upset because we had to leave another outing. They we devasted. 

Help me!!!!!

Comments

ntm's picture

I had to do the two cars thing for years. The one that starts acting out gets taken home by bio father. Then the outing/family event isn't ruined for everyone. 
 

Rules for his kids should come from dad and safety related rules are much more important than yelling and sharing rules. We don't hit, we use our words. We don't hurt others. He needs to enforce those rules. 
 

When she can't control herself, he should do time in. He sits quietly in a room with her until she regulates herself. Then she uses her words. 

Blended fam of 10's picture

He does sit with her in the room but her screaming can go for literally  hours on and off if she doesn't  get her way. He's deflated.  It's like a tantrum amplified. I have raised 5 kids before my little one and these twin tantrums are like nothing I've ever experienced.  

SteppedOut's picture

I'm not trying to be harsh... but your very young child should not have to be locked up in a room for extended periods of time to be safe in their home.

Perhaps living separate from your boyfriend, at least until he can get his feral child under control, is best. 

Children shouldn't always come first, but their PHYSICAL AND MENTAL safety should. 

ndc's picture

How often do his kids come over?  It sounds like it's just holidays?  How often is that and how long do they stay?

Unless these visits are very few and far between, your 3 year old should not have to be shut in a room.  It would be more appropriate for the child who is causing the problem to be sent to her room.  And if she ruins all family outings, I'd start leaving her home with a babysitter.

At age 6, I assume this child is in school.  Can your SO reach out to the school to find out what their experience has been with her?  Does BM have sole legal custody?

 

Blended fam of 10's picture

BM has custody. We only have them holidays. I've actually just rented a place for 3 yr old and I so we can spend nights there while they are here.  

Theres certain times they interact well in the common area but I can't let her in the room with them.  They previously locked  her in a cupboard.  The older boys are always telling their dad how mean the twins are to her and he knows.  My bio kids are good to all of his but I keep them separated too because the twins ruin our time together so so it's just easier to keep it all separate.  

Is it wrong of me to leave while they are here?

Can I sustain a relationship if I just choose the time they come here to take mini breaks with  my daughter ?

Blended fam of 10's picture

DH just informed me his twins are being held back to repeat this 1st year of school due to behavioral issues.

At least I know it's not just me

Still don't want to be here when they are here though.  It's usually 10 days every 10 weeks and 3 weeks mid yr and start of yr.  

Will that ruin our relationship?

I just can't stand being yelled at 24/7 by his kids.  

ndc's picture

Oh, you have his kids much more than I was envisioning.   I was viewing holidays as a week for Thanksgiving, Christmas and spring break.  He probably has as many days altogether as a father who has every other weekend visitation - it's just in bigger, less frequent chunks.  

I don't blame you for getting your own place.  I couldn't stand the bad behavior of his 6 year old for 10 days a few times a year and for three weeks a couple more times.  Whether that is a problem for your relationship depends on your DH.  If he expects you to be there as a buffer, or to provide cooking, cleaning and babysitting for his kids, or if he's expecting you to play one big happy family several times a year, then I'm sure it'll be problematic.  If he recognizes his kids and their behavior for what they are and realizes that you need to get away for your own mental well being and the safety of your youngest bio, then things might work out.  I assume that prior to going out and getting your own place, you've spoken to him about his kids' behavior and asked him to get it under control, and he has failed to do so.

SecondGeneration's picture

DH may need to go back to have visitation reviewed.

I get on very well with my nearly 9 year old SD and she was always one of those unicorn children (incredibly calm, well behaved and eager to please) but even with that and no other bio children in the picture I would get frustrated when she was with us for longer than a week. Now we have a bio together it's the same, a week is long enough. 

By the time the next visitation comes I miss her and enjoy seeing her but day 6 or 7 shes starting to miss her mum, I'm starting to miss our "normal" day to day. Theres been a few times that holidays have meant shes been with us for 10 days. 

And that's with one step child. Let alone the extra stresses of the multiple children you've got in the house. 

 

Why is the visitation set up that way? With there being big gaps in between it also makes it harder for the girls to adjust to "other parent rules" 

ExcellenceToolkit's picture

Stay away from that family until DH can get his child under control. No way would I allow my child to act like that nor hit my partners child. To me that means I'm not ready to date. I need to take care of my child. Your DH is selfish. And no way would I subject myself and my child to a human being that out of control. Get out of that situation.

Blended fam of 10's picture

Thanks everyone.

He is well aware of how bad her behaviour is too. 

He doesn't expect me to do anything for his kids. I do whatever I feel I want to.  It's  so sad it is like this.  I don't feel he will get it under control.  It takes the duration to get it through to get we don't act like this in our home then she goes back-to- her BM. 

I will just have to get used to our mini breaks everytime she is here. 

I just feel so guilty about it but my 3yr old just doesn't need the violence, torment or terror tbh. 

He does understand that. Mine has manners, is sweet and honestly a joy.  I don't want her broken.  

Blended fam of 10's picture

Today he is in bed.

He's ex military and has ptsd. He gets help and is medicated. This is day 3  and it's taken amajor toll on him. This is where I usually step in and help but it's a Sunday. I have miss 3 and do t want to stress her. 

He has another 7 days of this. This time. In Jan it's 3 weeks. Is it wrong of me to suggest putting the girls into paid care Mon to Fri? 

SteppedOut's picture

No, you are not out of line asking about daycare if he is unable to care for his feral kid. What did he do prior to getting into a relationship with you? If he can't cope with his custody time, perhaps he should cut down on it. The kids are there to spend time with him, not to have you run around and try to care for them while simultaneously trying to keep them from abusing your 3 year old.

Blended fam of 10's picture

The BM kept the kids from him.  He's fought in court to get them for over a year.  In the end he signed an.out of court deal of money in exchange to get her to sign visitation. He was paying the proper amount of child support plus extra.  He gave her a huge sum  of money as requested as an extra.  

This is all new. Previous to that he lives close and the kids we 50/50  but both were working and kids were at schools and in care.  Now he's retired and has his custody. 

Well this is what he wanted....so......

Yup I'm avoiding the shxtshow I think