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New here, need to vent!

BlahTK19's picture

Let me start by saying, I’m not totally familiar with all of the lingo but I’ll do my best.

My husband and I married a little under a year ago and for the most part all is well between us, there’s just one little issue, the SK. I have no kids, well, I’m with child now but other than the one in tow, no.

DH spoils this kid rotten so when the kid comes over our marriage isn’t even the same. The atmosphere is totally different when the kid is here. He thinks I’m being too hard on him with my expectations but I’m not! In fact this is stuff the kid should be doing anyway! But the kid is super lazy! 

He isn’t even doing all that great in school and when o try to help I’m being “too harsh” Too harsh? If you have trouble reading and all I ask is for the kid to read a chapter and let’s discuss it, that’s harsh? But you're fine with letting this kid sit in front of the tv for 12-16 hours? Give me a break!

Ive asked the kid to make up the bed he sleeps in when he’s over, which isn’t often THANK GOD! But that’s like pulling teeth! He eats and leaves crumbs all over the floor and table, doesn’t wash dishes, tell him no eating in the rooms, I find food all over, including smeared food in a trashless trashcan! He even stuffed food in my couch once because he said he didn’t feel like getting up! What the heck is that!?!  I mean the list goes on and on, did I mention the kid is 10!!?!? Like, we had chores growing up at like 5! As a matter of fact, making up our beds and keeping our rooms cleaned weren’t chores, they were obligations in my upbringing! 

The kid is super manipulative, because he knows his dad is going to defend him. He lies a lot! He could be wearing a blue shirt and swear to you it’s green! It’s ridiculous! I’ve taken my hands off when trying to correct him or ask anything of him but it’s hard considering this is MY HOUSE! I got this house before I even met my DH. I don’t feel he hold him responsible for keeping the spaces clean because we didn’t get the house together? I don’t know. It just seems like people in general would be more concerned with things they worked hard to get. 

Now that I’m with child, I can’t even enjoy being pregnant because of the constant bickering we have when SK is over. I’m literally counting down the days for him to become an adult or at least old enough where he can just stay over to his mothers by himself. I am only at peace in my home and marriage when the SK isn’t here! 

Theres so much more to this story and I can’t wait to get comfortable enough to vent more but I just figured I needed to get this off of my chest now! I’m afraid it’s going to seem like an us (my child and I) vs them my DH and his son once my child arrives. 

DH wants me to treat his kid like mine but how could I when everything I say you’re offended by? I just want a happy marriage but this while SK thing makes it tough! 

Comments

Cover1W's picture

Been through it but for the pregnant part. Get yourself the book "Stepmonster" - it will help give you some language and understanding and keep comung here. Read my earlier blogs. DH and I have come long way but it's hard, you also need to know your boundaries and how to communicate effectively with your DH (ie in a way he hears it, which is a challenge too). 

Keep coming here. You will get really great advice, even though at times it seems harsh; that is the truth sometimes!

ndc's picture

I don't have a solution for you, but wanted to point out that the real problem here isn't the skid, it's your husband and his refusal to properly parent his child. 

Kes's picture

Welcome to the site!  I would endorse Cover's recommendation of the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin.  Of the many things people come here to vent about - yours has to be the number one most common - ie badly behaved stepkids whose bio parent does not see fit to correct them or impose any appropriate boundaries.  

What needs to change is your DH's approach to his child.  Try telling him that if he goes on this way, he will raise an obnoxious slob who will have no friends, and who will be unemployable.  Does he really want that?  I suspect not, but what is uppermost in these "Disney Dads" minds is that they don't want to rock the boat in the short term, so that potentially their kid won't want to come over any more, ie if they play the firm parent instead of the "anything goes" parent.  However, in the long term, he is racking himself up a world of trouble.  

Winterglow's picture

I dunno ... This is your house therefore your rules apply. Bad behaviour is one thing but having to put up with filth on top of that? Ummm ... no. Tell your DH to teach his child basic cleanliness (stuffing food down a sofa? GROSS!) or he will not be allowed back and your DH will simply have to find other places, other ways of taking his visitation.

Iamwoman's picture

It is unrealistic for DH to expect you to treat his child like your own. Ugh. I wish you two had discussed these parameters before marriage, but hindsight is 50/50.

Maybe it’s time to get furniture covers?

I bought a cover for our nicest couch specifically for skid weekends. Before skids arrive, I cover the couch, and when they leave, I remove and wash the cover. My reason was for boogers, which is a pet peeve of mine and the sight of booger’s smeared on anything can make me want to hurl. I think I would fly into an everlasting rage if a skid stuffed food in my couch. ...this skid is going to ruin your furniture!

Maybe it’s just me and Monday morning talking, but unless your DH makes some serious changes to his parenting style, and with his attitude toward you, I don’t see this marriage lasting. Your DH is the problem.

He is disrespecting your home, your rules, your hard-earned decor, and your mental well-being.

With a baby on the way, DH should be going out of his way to make sure you’re comfortable and NOT stressed out!

In my situation, skids got tired of “having to follow rules.” ...because apparently it’s difficult to be human? Idk. So now, they just stay in their bedroom where they most likely rub boogers to their heart’s content.

A child should never rule the roost. Especially a skid who is basically a visitor in the home if it’s EOW.

Thankfully, you can be assured that if your DH doesn’t man up and be a better father and husband, then if/when you DO separate, at least your own child will be spoiled rotten too and not hurt by DH in any way.. 

Physics guy's picture

I'm new here, too, but I know what you're going through.  The whole picture chages as soon as skid moves in.  Hang in there.  This place has helped a lot.

StepUltimate's picture

You're in good company here; we get it! I learned how to handle my own slob lazy lying SS from the wonderful people on this site (read my blogs for the story & recent victory!) and can tell you there is nothing better than having this support group.

Looking forward to more of your story,