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Hi, I'm a newby. Wondering if I should leave DP?

Birdy's picture

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I wanted to thank you for sharing your personal experiences in this forum. It's so comforting to know there are others who are experiencing the same feelings and emotions as me. 

I have 2 BD's, 12 and 9. My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. I met his daughter when she was 4. I have always been able to connect with kids easily, but this kid - nope. Not from day one. DP was basically a Disney Dad. I have helped him over the years become a bit better with her, but as she gets older (now 7) she's still so difficult. She has almost daily tantrums, she's manipulative, disrespectful and is impulsively aggressive towards my girls and her Dad. Im sure you can fill in the blanks with the rest of the crap I endure. I cant connect with her, she's just too much and it's breaking me. I have tried to disengage with her, but then she gets away with being a little jerk, and I just have to grit my teeth. I still enforce boundaries with my girls, and discipline them, so I just feel like I'm the angry parent. I dont feel like my happy self around her. We have the kids 50/50, so 50% of my life is just counting down the time until she goes back to her BM. 

I love my DP. Very much. I also know he's lazy and he's not going to step up with her any more than he does now. I feel ike I've been raising both of them for the past few years. I'm drinking more than ever. Im unhappy, but I dont know if I should ask him and her to leave. I asked him to step up with her, many, many times. Maybe its me thats never going to get past my disconnection with her? 

How do you know when it's time to cut your losses and leave? 

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

There's love, and there's compatability. 

You and your partner have very different parenting styles, and sometimes that makes cohabitating happily impossible. If the situation hasnt changed, maybe it's time to explore living apart and dating, or just cutting your losses?

justmakingthebest's picture

YES! You can love someone very much but they still aren't right for you. Remember that your kids aren't just in your life for 18 years. This is really a forever thing. Do you want this child, who is out of control now, to be around you and your kids as an out of control teenager, adult, or even a parent one day who will use her own children as pawns to get what she wants from her father?

To me, it would be different if my partner was doing everything he could to stop her behavior. To enforce house rules. To discipline... but in your case, that isn't what is happening. 

hereiam's picture

I'm drinking more than ever. Im unhappy

It's time to cut your losses. You are unhappy and drinking because of it. This situation is not fair to yourself or your daughters.

 

always_anxious's picture

I've felt like you before.

" I feel ike I've been raising both of them for the past few years. I'm drinking more than ever. Im unhappy, but I dont know..."

I'll tell you what I wish I had told myself 10 years ago. You DO know. You're words are quoted right above. Unless HE changes, you will not be happy. So its ultimatim time. You can both agree on a parenting strategy together, or you disengage and have separate parenting lives. 

Let me guess what you're thinking. 'I've already been here 2.5 years. That's so long to throw it away.'

Its not. In the grand scheme of 18 years of a relationship where you drink and are unhappy -- until she hopefully moves out but likely will still be a burdon because of his Disney parenting- 2.5 years is nothing. 

Smile my words come a real care to tell people who were like me, yes its ok if it doesn't work out. You owe your own kids better. 

 

Merry's picture

What would you tell a girlfriend who told you she was unhappy, drinking too much, and her partner just won’t step up to his responsibilities? Bet you’d encourage her to move on. 

Sometimes you can’t see the crazy when you’re in the middle of it. And you just might be in the middle of it. 

agitated's picture

Your situation was exactly mine 12 years ago. I am still with my partner, now DH. It was HORRIBLE in the beginning but only after introducing the kids. SD was perfectly fine with me until there was "competition" for dad's attention. I had many, and I mean many, talks with DH about the way SD was acting and treating my bios. he never wanted to believe it until one day it finally happened; he saw her act aggressive towards them for the first time. (BTW she's 2+ years older and they were 5 at the time, she was 7). He finally started to believe me and set some boundaries. Don't get me wrong, it was a rough couple years, and looking back, it would have been easier to leave. Now, the kids get along like they are blood siblings. You would NEVER know they aren't.

Side note: DH and I still parent VERY differently and this is where disengagement comes in handy. I do NOT parent my SD unless whatever she is actively doing affects me or my bios. I do not agree with the way he chooses to parent, but she is not my child.

My advice to you: have more talks with your SO and then some more. If you get a chance for him to actually see how his child is acting, point it out (take video if you have to!) If after all of this he isn't willing to change, then maybe it's time to leave. I would never have stayed with my DH if he hadn't started to reign in my SDs behavior towards my bios.

Birdy's picture

I am so confused. Another huge arguement over our situation. Mainly me - yelling. Gosh, who have I become? *sorry2*  I feel sorry for this poor little kid. I think she acts out because she's desperate for love. For boundaries.

I remember thinking to myself early on in the realtionship, I want to be warm and cuddly with her, but I dont want her to attach to me because I feel like I will have to do all the parenting. I had just started a 4 year uni degree, my kids were older, I was moving into a more independent parenting lifestyle - one where I could put myself first occasionally. (Edit - and his lack of parenting skill was obvious straight up, I knew she'd be hard work)

Now this poor kid is stuck being around me who is polite, but completely disengaged with her. She must feel unwanted here and thats awful! I dont know how its got to this point. I would never want to hurt a kid like that. Worst of all, I dont know how to fix it, and if I leave him, she will be traumatised. Im so angry with myself. 

Can you mend a broken relationship with a SD, or will she be scarred for life by the past year or so?