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this is LONG. I have a very heavy weight tonight.

Biomomof2's picture

Please. Just this post, don't be assholes. I'm actually really struggling. I have had it made very clear to me the last 3 weeks how little I matter. DH has broken more agreements then I can count. He has not left our bed for the last week and a half except to go to SDs. He has shown me where on fall in importantance for Christmas. I get very little from him through out the year. Like maybe 4-5 things. Thousands have been spent on others to show them how much he loves them. Other people get time spent on him looking for presents. I get "oh, she likes this team I'll buy her this. There is very little thought. He has started talking to DD about our marriage. He bought another woman underware. I'm sitting here trying not to loose it. Im no longer "needed" SGD isn't here and he is on disability. So he doesn't need a babysitter, and I am starting to question why he married me. Sooooo I beg you, no assholes. Not tonight. Tonight I need a hug.

A month ago I approached DH. I told him I knew he would probably want to get SGD a Christmas present but all I ask, there are 4 kids in that house. The others already see he only takes SGD to lunch and movies. Please don't do it on Christmas. Make them all equals.
He agreed. Told me he wasn't wven worried about it until we finished up this house.
The day we finished he brought up shopping today. So we all went. He told me SD got my kids a little something so we need to get all of hers. No problem
Got YSD and her BF their gifts as they are spending the night Christmas Eve.
We got SGS9, SGS8, SGD2 theirs. Then DH wants to get SGD a 14K gold necklace. I reminded him,we spent xx on the others. To get SGD a 14k gold necklace after that, is crazy. So, he gets her a necklace. We get home, he says"so, we are all done?" Yep DH. Done.
I go off to help DD clean her shower as it was plugged up, landlord just got it fixed but there is soapskum from it not draining right.
He comes in and shows me a really nice Jewerly box. Told me he just bought it online for SGD. I said, well, the cost of that is double what we spent on the other 3. DD11, said (her nickname for DH) I agree and smiled. I told her to mind her business and she told him she was sorry. We get back to cleaning and DH told DD well after what we spent on you, I think this is nothing. And walked away
Later outside I told him what he said to DD was uncalled for. He told me that I started it because I shouldn't have said anything in front of her. I should have keep my mouth shut at that point BUT I repli with, NO. You started it the day you took DD to the store and talked to her about our marital fight. If you don't want her to think she can talk to you about her opinions about stuff like that, leave her out of it ALL.
I also told him He needs to pick a view and stick with it. 3 weeks ago he was yelling at me for buying bios boots because "we" should do it together. And even though I am the one that said rather then just buy them winter boots let's make it Christmas presents, he flipped out on me. Told me we should do all the shopping together. Since then he has bought another woman underware without a word to me, picked out YSDs (kids got her a couple little things today) and then this crap with the jewelry box. I told him, if you say something to me and we make agreement, I expect you to keep it. If you can't, then don't agree because due to the amount of agreements you have broken in the last 5 months, I don't trust you to do what you say. He went on how I don't get it. He raised her all by himself for 8 years. I looked at him and told him, I heard him say that to someone else recently but that doesn't work on me. He raised her for all of 1 year in 2 different 6 month periods before we met. He didn't even have the gardenship done when I met him. I raised my kids alone for a lot longer and I don't call them my team member.
He told me, I just wanted to buy her something else and you don't inderstand. I told him, the number of times you have done something "special" for SGD and left the boys out is high enough. We had agreed all of them would be treated the same for Christmas and you just can't. The sad thing is this isn't even about her, it's about you. We could have gotten each kid 5 presents and you would have made sure she had 7.
His response.." Fuck this" and stormed off.
I called my counselor. He has spoken with DH alone and with me there. My counselor has told me DH is overly emeshed in SGD. He has an unhealthy level of attachment to her. He treats her as if she is her partner. DH worries only if she is happy and knows that he loves her. Counselor told me his desire for SGD to know he loves her, is alarming. DH told the counselor (my counselor, no patient confidence as DH was there for me) that he doesn't care if SGD loves him or respects him. And my counselor straight out told me tonight, my husband is married and it is not to me. He is not emotional available for a marriage. Counselor is concerned that now that SGD is gone, DH is talking about our marriage to DD. With DD she tells me everything so we know what was said. But how long has DH being talking about our marriage to the kids?? It wouldn't be a far leap to think that SGD was his emotional support and they bashed me together.
Counselor told me, either DH gets help... Or my marriage will end. Actually made the suggestion that I see who would help me with the kids when I start my new job in February and I start planning on DH not moving with me.
I've never understood why DH acts like he does about SGD. We set a birthday budget.. Hers is last and he spends $150 more on her. We set a back to school budget, he spends $200 more on her. We set rules with consequences and my kids get consequences and she gets "warned" 15 times. Counselor told me, DH is in an abusive relationship cycle. He might not be able to brack it. Since he was single, he had to find someone to fill the gap. It just so happened to be a kid, who would make him her slave, her maid, her personal shopper and scream, hit and insult him. DHs job was to make " it better". Then I came along and they gained a target, a scapegoat.
Oh. I didn't tell you all. You know how I found out about the boxers?!?! DH was rambling, told me he was looking for boxers and underware for DD but decided it was weird. I told him, your deal with underware is weird. You spent 11 hours at back to school shopping time picking out SGDs underware, you have bought BS boxers (yes ladies, boxers are not underware. But he bought BS boxers as underware... Makes sense, right?!???) you bought me underware a couple of months ago because you wanted to see them on me...and now your looking at underware for DD????? Don't. Apparently that seemed like the perfect time to go OH, guess what I got friend. I'll show you. TA DA ... Boxers. For my best friend. Was his friend first. But she is normal. He married, she married and she barely talks to him now. He texts her once in awhile, but otherwise no contact. Deal is... This is the woman he paid $76 in shipping to get her favorite ice cream from Texas shipped while she was pregnant. Buys and has Amazon send her random gifts. I brought up going to a concert last year. Nothing. Texted him that her and I were looking but they were sold out. And bam he found and bought tickets. Next tickets he bought "me" was her favorite group. It got drunk last Christmas (didn't have the kids, they were at BFs) and ended up making the comment to him that I think he has a thing for her.
What do you do when you look over your marriage and realize everyone else has always been more important. He says "I show my love by buying people things I think they would love". I get the least. He puts zero effort into our relationship. Goes to lunch with me??? Rolls out of bed, gets dressed brushes his teeth and ready. Goes anywhere with anyone else, he showers and shaves and puts on cologne and dresses nice. He is talking to DD more then me. Don't want to say it out loud but I'm starting to get creep vide. Not sexual but emotionally leaning on my 11 yr old.

Comments

Indigo's picture

Gosh, just started to read ... {huge hug} So far I have heard a woman who is feeling marginalized, undervalued and ignored. I had to reread the statement that DH purchased underwear for another woman ... ACK ... I'm newer to your story, so I'll take my glass of wine and go back to reading.

Biomomof2's picture

Thank you. Yes. That is how I feel. EVERYTHING is more important then me and our marriage. We started a new counselor because DH felt that my counselor was "on my side". We went once. We're going to go once every 2 weeks. She gave us an assignment. Everytime I brought it up, he responded he couldn't do that. I asked him to just try. Nope. And we have gone back and I stopped bringing it up.

BethAnne's picture

If your husband doesn't like your counselor then I think you should try to find one that he does like. I'm not saying one that sides with him wholeheartedly but one that phrases things in ways that makes your husband think and that helps him to understand the situation clearer. If it were the other way round and you felt attacked by the counselor and blamed for all of the problems, then you probably wouldn't be too keen to go either. I don't think that this will necessarily solve all of your issues but it may help to be able to start to make some sort of progress.

Biomomof2's picture

We switched from my counselor to another one. He said he liked the new one. He won't do the excersizes or even schedule an appointment. Everything is on me. And I've kinda reached that point of ok. I've done my part, when will you?!?!

Indigo's picture

Ouch. I'd offer you a cup of tea or a glass of wine and an ear, but I've got nothing really helpful to offer you. You're right: it stinks.

Biomomof2's picture

Yep. I called a friend after talking to my counselor and she is a SM/BM deals with a BM so bad her DH had to cut his boys lose until 18. And she said almost the same thing. Damn, why didn't you call me earlier?? I don't have any real advice as you can't change him, but I can listen". Sometimes just support helps. But what she did say was 100% truth and scares me. I can't fix this, control it or change it. I can't make him do anything. I'm left with accept it or leave.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Please understand I am not trying to be an asshole. But I would be concerned that maybe there is molestation going on here. His over the top love of SGB...buying underwear for her and DD.

There are signs of this going on. I hope I am wrong.

Biomomof2's picture

THAT is not being an asshole. ok. I'm going to be on the watch. If there is ANYTHING that stands out, done.
ok, I just left a message with my therapist. He has met with DH. If he thinks this is at all possible, I'm GONE!!!!!! No one will ever hurt or take advantage of her while I gave anything say about it.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Did I understand correctly that he is involved with underwear shopping for your 11 year old daughter? Also the SGD? How old is she? That right there would have very loud warning bells going off for me.

I agree - he also seems to be very overly emotionally attached to both girls.

If he won't go to counseling, or he won't participate fully, I don't know that you have many more options. Your first obligation is to protect your daughter. You want to bring her up in a safe and healthy household and it doesn't seem like that is happening right now.

You will get through this. You are asking the right questions. Listen to your gut.
Please take care of yourself.

Biomomof2's picture

He looked for underware for her online on his own.
He had gardenship of SGD for the 3 years we lived together. He, of course, had to buy her underware. But the time he put into it was weird. It's was hours a day for days.
I'm starting to think over things he has said and they don't match. And YSD is family. She is more then a "step". She has told me when she moved to the other coast she felt like she left dad to handle everything here alone. And when she came back, he is so involved in SGD that there is nothing for her. She started questioning how he raised her and who he was because NOTHING was the same. Things she got in trouble for DH made excuses for SGD. Her and I are now closer then her and DH. He is still her dad, but for example things got bad a couple of months ago and I was talking to her and she told me not to stress she would be there for me and me and my kids always have a place to go.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I just read your bio - I thought DD was yours together. Now that I realize she is his SD - that makes the underwear thing that much more odd. Something is not right.

It sounds like your daughter is uncomfortable with her own Dad and now things may be off with her Step Dad as well. Keep listening to both girls.

I don't know how you have done it so far with all you have to put up with. Hang in there.

Biomomof2's picture

I've never thought it possible. But lately bells are ringing about SOMETHING. My counselor had a lot to say tonight and nothing in favor of Dhs behavior. Counselor told me he has said all this to DH as well. Wonder if that was why DH wanted to switch counselors?
Weird thing... His bio was here the other day and told me that she has watched what goes on in our house for 2 years (came back from opposite coast and moved in with us) and she has noticed dad has a favorite always. One that is excused and pitied and he makes in his head different then they are. Growing up ySD had to watch her dad spoil her half sister who isn't even his kid. Then she moved in and told me he was extreme with SGD. Now, the other day told me DD is the first time he has done this with a good kid. Both SD and SGD were violent, uncontrollable brats. But since DD is a good kid, rather then pity and excuses... He almost has her on a pedestal and BS and I on the outside. History repeating. Once it was ex wife 2 and YSD versus DH and fauxOSD. Then it was DH and FauxSGD against FauxOSD. Then it became DH and FauxSGD versus me and my kids. Now it's DH trying to make it DH and DD versus me and BS. But DD is my kid and that isn't working so well.
At the store two days ago. All of us DH, DD, BS and myself are there. DH kept trying to walk next to only DD. Would talk to only DD. Told DD BS is annoying and now they get to watch the mom and BS show. DD walked over to me and stayed away from him after that.
DD and I talked later that night and she told me, ST doesn't seem to like boys. He doesn't like Brother as well as me. He spoils the hell out of SGD versus SGS 1&2.

dogtac69's picture

Two things really bother me. First, DH never should talk with DD about your marriage. He needs to either talk with you or talk with a counselor, but never with a family member. Secondly, never should a man buy underwear for a woman other than his wife. That is creepy. My suggestions are that you give the new counselor a chance and see if he/she can help. And as much as I hate to say it, maybe you should see a lawyer by yourself. If the marriage does fall apart, you need to protect yourself. Good luck.

Biomomof2's picture

I agree. He should never talk to DD about it. She is 11!!!!!!
And yeh. I start a new career in February. I need to have my rights hammered out before hand.

Disneyfan's picture

OP, I really hope you take steps to get this jerk away from your children. This is just sick. He isn't going to change.

Your son's name is in your 3:40 post.

Aeron's picture

I personally wouldn't be waiting for a therapist to tell me it was possible DH could molest your girl. The sheer fact that he obviously feels comfortable trying to alienate he from you, use her as emotional support about your marriage and put a wedge between her and her brother would be Plenty for me.

I don't know what is wrong with this guy but there is certainly Something not right. This is not a healthy relationship, not at all something I would want to be modeling for my kids as ok and normal. Even if there's no funny business with him and any of the girls, he is still treating you Terribly and you deserve so much better than this.

ltman's picture

Actually I think the quest for boxers for your DD was a ruse so you wouldn't get upset with him shopping for friend. But he is wayyyyyy to involved with sgd. Follow your instincts, they're usually correct.

hereiam's picture

It sounds to me, that he is incapable of having a real relationship with an adult.

He may have a thing for his friend but she is married and unavailable, and they don't communicate often, so that doesn't really count as a relationship, even as friends.

He does not sound the least bit interested in improving his relationship with you.

Not sure what's going on with his obsession with underwear but he is definitely crossing some boundaries, emotional and otherwise. Talking to an 11 year old about your marriage? Something is not right with him.

You are not happy and he seems not to care. But you should and you should do something about it.

ItHasGottenBetter's picture

Do not wait until he does cross that line. Who knows what fantasies are going on in his head that could come out at any time.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Take your counselor's advice. It's hard to do. Pulling the plug is always hard. But your counselor is spot on. Eventually you will feel like you cut free a fifty ton leaden weight. Which is quite an excellent feeling. Go for it.