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It's been a while... Massive changes

Biomomof2's picture

DH and I are no longer together. He no longer lives here, everyone is happier.
Real reason I decided to post.
BF has son 50/50 and DS11 told his attorney this is what he wants. Kid has been a straight A student, had an IQ test last year, scored one point below genius so classified as superior IQby his school, has never had detention in his life. DS was every other weekend with day until this year. He has averaged 2 detentions a week. This week with me, I told him he could have a friend over today if no detentions and we will go to the river this weekend if no detentions at all. So far no detentions. BF apparently thinks taking away Xbox and letting DS watch TV all night is punishment. DS is not being "bad" but attention seeking in class.
DD13, has been on another schedule with BF. Every other weekend still and every other Wednesday dinner. 3 weeks ago BF picks up DD almost an hour late. 2 hours and 15 mins after BF picked her up he called, told me BF had a long talk with DD. She told him she didn't want to go over there anymore, no weekly calls, no dinner on Wednesday. She told him he lets her brother treat her like crap and she feels he punishes her for being close to me. Soo BF told her fine. Called me said come pick her up. He finished making dinner and BS and BF sat down to eat while DD was made to sit on the couch and wait for me. He hasn't called, text her in 3 weeks. They have never been close but I can't wrap my head around doing this to your child.
I was told by the children's attorney to give it 4 months and file for sole legal and physical. DD is now on anti-anxiety meds. She calls BF by his name. I told her I know she is upset and their relationship is rough but don't lock the door just yet. Hope for the best (the can fix it) and prepare for the worse ( as mom, I have her in counseling so she can work on her feelings about this)
Counselor called today to say after talking with DD, she will be writing a letter to go with the change of custody paperwork as she doesn't want DD around BF. This is the same BF that cut out his oldest DD because she asked him to keep a promise. I saw the texts. He told her to change her name, he is not her dad.
I wish I had a magic wand to help both my kids.


moeilijk's picture

It's a terrible, necessary lesson that life isn't fair, that not everyone measures up, and that some people are hurtful to be around.

I think you can teach your kids detachment.

"Detachment is experiencing your feelings without allowing your feelings to control you. Instead of just reacting, with detachment you are free to choose how you will act. You use thinking and feeling together, so you can make smart choices."

Indigo's picture

{Hugs} Hold tight to your children.

Sorry ex-DH/BF is such a depressed, messed up excuse of a human. Dang. He cut out one child already, so I am not surprised that he is working to cut out your mutual two kids as well. Parenting gets tough, just ditch 'em.

DS has IEP & brilliant, right? Now running detention, lashing out at DD ... poor kids. DD has OCD & now anxiety. No wonder, 'eh? The cruelty to your kids is awful. Try for sole legal/physical for both -- visits with exDH/BF will be hit/miss & hopefully more buffered.

Their dad is not coming from a healthy place right now, so no guilt for having to protect your kids. Think if he had a drug addiction -- you'd be proactive & save your kids.

Ex-DH/BF may enter a program or simply wake up one day a changed man. Until that happens, do your best to limit contact for your kids.

No magic wands here

Acratopotes's picture

I've got nothing, just be there for your kids and sending you hugs and strength

Maxwell09's picture

Wow, what a cruel man-child to be so spiteful towards a child. I'm going to assume that when she told her father she didn't want to visit anymore, something else was going on in the house. Maybe you should ask your son about it. BF sounds like a DisneyDad that can't multitask when it comes to parenting multiple children and avoids disciplining his favorite out of fear. You better watch your son carefully, I wouldn't put it past BF to try to put a wedge between "y'all" and "them" just to isolate the boy from you.

Biomomof2's picture

BF is all about who the kids like. Told DD with everything he does for her (and listed bought things) why can't she defend him like she does me. Why does she have to defend any parent? Oh yeh cause I'm the devil. Even the children's attorney said he wants to keep conflicts going. Why it isn't enough to limit his visitation I'll never know. BS already has this us versus them thoughts. It's really hard to get through

Biomomof2's picture

Crappy thing is the courts don't really help. DS said he wanted week in week off. DS got it. In CA I have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that BF is not in DS bests interests before they stop listening to DS.
I want my son completely away from his BF because I want him to grow up to be an honorable man. Instead BF is teaching DS how to seak any and all attention, how to not take responsibility
Sunday when I picked up DS, he told me he hates the nickname I have called him since I was pregnant with him because he was an accident, I didn't want him and still don't like him. I call DS Boo. As in boo-boo. Accident. I've always told him he was the best accident in the history of forever. BF has been trying to convince DS I didn't and don't want him since the boy was 5 years old. BF uses son as his friend, talks to him about everything. Just in the 2 months 50/50 has been going on I've listened to the change in how DS talks. Everything is "we". We decided to change this at the house, we are making dinner, we watch this. When he talks about BFs house, you would think you were listening to half of a couple who are making decisions, not the child. He tries that here, doesn't work... Which equals mom doesn't like him.
The sad truth is I can't fight it. In 3 years DS will be in complete control about where he lives. I just have to hope he wants more for himself then this.

moeilijk's picture

DS has 50% of your DNA and 50% of his life is spent with you.

Why are you so hopeless? I am sure it feels like an uphill battle, but if you give up on your kid, then you are creating the problem you say you want to avoid.

Take responsibility. Fight it. Who cares if he accuses you of not liking him? Tell him every chance you get that you love him, that you like him, name the wonderful qualities you see in him. You make it attractive to be around you - and I don't mean buy him crap, I mean, give him love and structure and boundaries and teach him to be the fantastic person he is destined to be.

You're going to have to set aside your frustration and hurt and dig deep. You can do it.

Biomomof2's picture

I don't think I explained that well. I do do all the things you said, I give him boundaries and love and time and lots of energy. I'm not hopeless, I just know I can't make DS be anything other then who he is. I do my damnest, and I am not giving up without a long ass fight. He is 50% me. My concern is he will grow up, as he gets older he is going to want dad to loosen the strings, let him go to friends and stuff. When he starts pushing back against dad wanting him to be his best friend, it will blow up. I have zero faith in BF sticking it out with DS just because he hasn't with his other two. The fall for DS is going to be harder. Just mom concerns for his future.

Biomomof2's picture

He is. I left him with an RO 7 years ago. He tells people I stole his children, I turned both my ex-sd and DD against him. He can't keep a GF longer then 2 months and likes to share all of this with the kids