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I need advice

Biomomof2's picture

Im posting as a BM
My ex, BF to my kids was and is verbal and emotionally abusive. I had an RO that expired in March. I haven't renewed it because honestly it didn't help anything.
BF is asking for 50/50
DD is almost 13, she is asking no forced visiting and her therapist agrees with her
DS10 is telling his therapist he is mixed up. Scared of dad but dad tells him he has the same rights I do so why shouldn't he have 50/50.
BF gives me anxiety. Being in a room with him (Mediation) makes me panic. It is really the only time I KNOW how bad his abuse affected me
Kids have an attorney assigned to them.
She is trying to get BF to see how he should be more flexible with DD. he gives her panic attacks and anxiety as well.
The biggest thing I had to overcome before leaving him was knowing the kids would spend time alone with him.
Attorney advice is that we attend Co-parenting therapy.
Dad says I tell him what is happening. Attorney tried to explain me telling him when DD is getting her braces, or stuff like that is not me being bossy, it is a fact that I have sole Legal.
Mediation yesterday BF got upset and said "did you hear that? She has said it 4 times now. She gave the schools permission to speak to me. I'm the children's father I don't need her permission for anything"
Attorney and mediator tried to explain that if I had to give permission, it is because I have sole legal and the schools require it. Asked him why it bugs him. His response "she is not in charge of me"
Sooooo Co-parenting therapy. BF has not changed. Just went off on me in email 3 weeks ago. Got caught in 5 lies in mediation. I felt kinda cornered. I agreed because when I brought up how much he drives my anxiety, how he is verbally abusive, how every therapist has even told the attorney, children told the attorney he has an anger issue... I was told to let the past go. I would be with a therapist who wouldn't let any happen and people can change. Ugh. So I have 5 yrs of emails printed out of the way he speaks to me, 10 years married (he flipped on me the moment I found out I was pregnant about 2yrs into marriage). Never was dad told calling me a whore, a piece of s!$t.... A laundry list... Needs to stop.
I'm just old to let go of the past. They asked about 50/50. My response? DS10 has been diagnosed with OCD for 2 yrs. bF has no clue what that is and tells our son he doesn't have it. DD has had a learning IEP for 8 yrs.. Dad has no clue. Started while we were still married. So how can he take on 50/50 when he can't handle what he has?
I have felt on the verge of a panic attack since mediation. Why would they ever think this is a good idea??


Biomomof2's picture

Mediator and Attorney tried to explain to dad he doesn't have as much rights as I do. Maybe I said that wrong in the OP. Dad told them I don't care if she has legal custody, they are my kids.
It was the children's attorney trying to get dad to be flexible with wether or not DD went for visits.
I have tried my best to NOT talk about dad. At one point their counselor told me I needed to correct the lies coming from dad. I do it with the therapist so I have a witness of what was said.
The children's attorney is honestly confusing. She told dad to come to terms with never getting 50/50. Tells dad he has anger issues and everyone can see it. Then tells me to get over the anger issues and abuse and learn to co-parent!!!! How do you co-parent when the other party will do something just because I said no?!? Dad plays him like a fiddle, " mom won't let me play this game at home" dad runs out and buys it. I say please don't send this to my house.. He sends it AND tells DD to hide it. I handle all responsible of the kids. I should have known better. He has an older daughter and I handled everything with her mom as well.

The anxiety of having to be in a therapist session with BF is too much right now.

Maxwell09's picture

Honestly I think you should enforce visits whether or not the kids want to go BUT that they be required to go to therapy since their relationship is just terrible. I agree with him that you shouldn't keep his kids from coming over and I agree with you that he is probably VERY difficult to work with when it comes to YOU. He sounds childish and butt hurt about the current situation but he is right; he is still their father and has every right to take the visitation the judge orders him.

Biomomof2's picture

I've never not made the kids go. The attorney is trying to get him to relax on DD.
he really doesn't understand that me having sole legal means I don't have to have his agreement. It is very frustrating

Last In Line's picture

I'd have as little contact with him as possible. Send the kids as often required by the courts. If the kids have problems because of their dad being abusive, that needs to be reported to authorities and let them handle it. Co-parenting therapy with an abuser isn't going to work...if that is the advice your attorney has I'd be seeking different counsel.

If you need to let your ex know anything, do it by email. Don't answer calls from him, don't talk to him on the phone, don't talk to him in person. Do exchanges in a neutral place where he can't berate you. Decreasing your contact will decrease the stress you put yourself thru.

Quit bringing up who you allow or don't allow to give him information--that is sort of rubbing it in his face. Either allow him to be a part or don't, but until he goes and tries to do something you haven't allowed, it isn't something that needs to be brought up.

Biomomof2's picture

At 12 they start to listen to kids here. 14 they have a real say.
Oh trust me I'm NOT giving into 50/50. If the judge makes me, I fight it. He does just want control.
He does want control over me. As of mediation yesterday the kids attorney got him to agree to him having 1,3&5th weekend with 2&4 Wednesday dinners. He wants 50/50, she is saying no.
But wants me to work on co-parenting with him. I don't understand how they don't get it. There is no Co-parenting with him. There is his way, there is when he thinks he is doing me a favor. That is it.
I'd be happy if I never had to see or speak to him again.

oneoffour's picture

I think what they mean when you are asked to co-parent is to get over the past hurt. You say you are too old to do this. This is being a victim. That is restricting your life to how he wants you to live. This is playing exactly into his hand. He knows your triggers and how to upset you. So he does everything you hate so he can get his own way.

OK, so the next time he says 'I want 50/50.' what can you say apart from "I get to make that decision." Maybe you could say "If we both agreed to that how would you want the time divided? How would the kids get to school? What happens when they have a snow day? These are things we both need to sort out before we make any changes." See if he has any idea what he is asking for. I bet he hasn't a clue.

At some stage you will stand up to him and show your kids you will not be pushed around again.