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Being a stepmom is hard

bioandstep2009's picture

You know, I was flattered and hurt at the same time over something earlier this year. It was Mother's Day and SS9 made his usual card/poem thing for BM in school. He asked the teacher if he could make one for me, his stepmom, but the teacher said no Sad At least he thought of me (for once)... Anyway, same teacher sends two copies of a poem he'd written and in a note, says that one copy is for BM. I don't know why I felt so...excluded but I did. She wouldn't let him make a mother's day card for the stepmom who takes care of him 99% of the time, and who oversees and helps with homework but she had to make sure BM got the poem? I wish she'd just sent the one copy and not inserted herself into a sensitive situation by sending a copy for BM to our address.

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Amazed's picture

that a teacher would take it upon herself to tell a child he can't make a card for his own stepmother. Perhaps she wasn't trying to exclude you though...maybe she said no due to time constraints? Teachers have a pretty tight schedule to keep i'm sure so maybe that's all it was?

Honestly though, since i'm not a teacher I would have been hurt also. But you gotta look on the bright side of this one and try to let what the teacher did fall to the side. Your ss9 was REALLY thinking of you and that's AWESOME!! HE,at least, was trying to include you and make you feel loved and special. That is a HUGE deal:) Perhaps a conference with his teachers at the beginning of the school years would let them know that YOU are primary caretaker of ss9 and BM is second in this situation. Actually, your situation reminds me of the situation I used to be in with my son and his stepmom. I had a LOT of health problems so my son used to live with his dad and his stepmom was his primary caretaker for a short while so I could have my surgeries and fix the issues I was having... His teachers simply couldn't understand the child wasn't with his mother primarily because I guess it's rare? Anyway, they used to send letters and things with my name on them to dad's house and stepmom would get SO upset over it and she would feel really excluded and unappreciated. We never did fix the situation with the school bc then my son was able to live with me again so it wasn't an issue any longer. But my advice would be to make yourself a known presence to his teachers and help them understand that your ss9 is 99% your responsibility and gets his nurturing and care from you so you deserve your own mother's day card and the child shouldn't be discouraged when he's trying to include you.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

belleboudeuse's picture

I think it's time for you to "educate" the teacher on this reality. She, I am sure, has plenty of other kids in blended families. If you make her aware of this, maybe she won't do it again.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

bioandstep2009's picture

You know, my DH did tell the teacher on the last parent teacher conference that I was the one primarily helping with homework and overall care etc. BM couldn't be at this particular conference and I didn't go because I didn't want to step on BM's toes.

I did meet the teacher on the few occasions I had to drop off something for SS9 and we have exchanged emails on homework issues for SS. I think she probably meant well by sending the copy for BM but she didn't realize how it might have been perceived by me, the stepmom.

Anyway, this upcoming school year, I plan to introduce myself to his teacher. I felt weird about doing it before because I didn't want to step on BM's toes. Though at the time she was not as involved with SS, she did make a point of going to parent teacher conferences because she was the BM. I saw it as her turf but that was kinda dumb on my part because I have always been the one supervising the homework for SS9 and BD10 who goes to the same school.

One thing that I do find hard about the stepmom gig is that you're expected to love and treat your stepchild like he's your own but the minute you get too good at it, get too close, the BM intervenes and reminds you that you aren't the mother of their kid. "I'm the mother of his child" and other such "golden womb" garbage. Sometimes it's the kid who reminds you that you aren't their mother and all of it hurts because you're doing all the hard work, especially if you're a primary residential stepmom yet someone out there, the BM, gets to claim to results of your hard work.

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

The minute you get too close, get too good at being a stepmom... WHAM! Exactly what happened with me! Hang in there!!!

Amazed's picture

"One thing that I do find hard about the stepmom gig is that you're expected to love and treat your stepchild like he's your own but the minute you get too good at it, get too close, the BM intervenes and reminds you that you aren't the mother of their kid. "I'm the mother of his child" and other such "golden womb" garbage. Sometimes it's the kid who reminds you that you aren't their mother and all of it hurts because you're doing all the hard work, especially if you're a primary residential stepmom yet someone out there, the BM, gets to claim to results of your hard work."

That's why stepmom are some of the strongest,most special women out there...we're constantly tested and pushed.

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”

Stick's picture

My take on the BM rearing her (ugly) head when something like this comes up is her own insecurity and acknowledgement in the back of her head, that YES, SOMEONE ELSE is doing what should be HER duties!!

I understand what you mean about not wanting to step on toes. I did that with SD for most of our relationship. But once she came to live with us full time, then I didn't look at it as stepping on toes. I hope you can feel that too. BM isn't stepping on yours... but likewise, YOU are NOT stepping on hers, as you are the primary caregiver. And you know what, if she does feel that? Well, then too bad... sucks to be her.

I agree with Belleboudeuse that you need to "educate" the teacher on the reality of the situation. And I'm really proud of your SS for thinking of you on his own. Good job Bioandstep!! Smile

Abigail's picture

They are always conflicted and since I've only been around 2 years, all I can see is a lot of hard work and heartache. One thing I found interesting is that the schools also discriminate against the Father. My DH had the skids 5 days a week. He is the nurturer who feeds them breakfast and kisses boo boos, etc. BM is a contolling, angry shrew who yells at them and says "she found them in a gabarbage can." Cute, eh?

Anyway, since he is the only one who cares if they do their homework, etc., he keeps asking the school to send report cards, notes, etc., to his house. What do they tell him? BM says everything goes to her house. After 4 requests, he succeeds in getting them to send a copy to each address.

When will the world wake up that BM's are saints and think about what's best for the child?

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

lovin_my_life's picture

My BD made one for me as well as her SM.... I think b/c the area we live in a lot of kids are being raised by grandparents and SP's. Maybe another factor was the fact that BD's SM is very active in her life AND BD speaks about SM just as much as she does me. I think her teacher recognized this and was sensitive towards the fact that she has 2 moms and perhaps other kids did too.

My SD6 made a card in school and gave it to her mom, and DH had them make/pick out cards for me. However,last year SS4 made one at church and actually wanted to give it to me instead of his own mother. During the kid exchange he even told her that he made me a card at church and she seemed okay with it, but I'm sure she unleashed pure rage when she got home (she's a known hair puller on herself).
I'm sure it hurts to be excluded, especially since it's 2009 and blended families are on the rise. Perhaps the teacher has an awful SM and therefore she wants nothing to do with them...

"I aint no Carol Brady"

bioandstep2009's picture

Thank you all for your comments and feedback. It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do sometimes Smile

LotusFlower's picture

Mother's Day used to really suck for me...even tho I am the custodial mother figure, for years, that day was reserved for BM....now, not having children of my own,,,,no Mom of my own and a sister who lives so far away that day was always just the WORST day for me. I wanted to scream ..."well what the f&8k about me?"...now don't get me wrong, DH always made sure we celebrated and the skids always got me something, but it was in my heart that it wasn't really a day for ME, but a day for BM. As the years went by, and I did more and more and was always there for these kids, and BM did less and less, things changed. We still celebrated the same..but it FELT just so much more real. Today, I truly feel in my heart that Mother's Day with my skids is truly about me....and I earned it!!! I guess what I am trying to say...u are soooo blessed that that little boy wanted to make u a card. Sure, he made one for BM because that's what the teacher said to do....he WANTED to make yurs Smile Hold on to that ((((((hugs)))))

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"

Casper3's picture

my SS's always make 2 of everything for mother's and father's day. They give something to their BM and something to me. Their teachers must know about it and be ok. I think that your skid's teacher was out of line unless there is some sort of supply shortage.