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Christmas Cards

bewitched's picture

How do you all handle Christmas cards?

Three years ago, December 5th, was the most traumatic day of my life. I won't go into it now, but, suffice it to say I have not sent out one card since that time.

H has never sent Christmas cards. Never. Now that we are married, he wants me to send them out. Ok. I'd do it, even tho my heart isn't in it. However, he now wants a photo of himself, his daughters, me and my youngest son made into cards and sent. I am not willing to do this. I have another son. And even tho he has chosen to go AWOL from his family, he is still my son and I love him dearly. So this is not family to me. Even if H and I had a happy, loving marriage, I would not want that photo sent out, respresenting us as a family. Not without my oldest son.


melis070179's picture

don't blame you..but at the same time thats making the rest of the family miss out because one person has chosen to walk out. If he never decides to be a part of the family again, will you never take any family photos again?

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

at Christmas time, etc. And I treasure these pictures. But they were not sent out as Christmas cards.

The actual picture itself does not bother me-its sending it as a Christmas card, presenting this as my complete family, that has me balking at it. Add to that the fact that H and I are not working out, that my youngest son wants to show up here with a baseball bat and throw H & sd's to the curb because of how I've been treated here, so pretending "happy family" to cater to H's ego is just not something I'm willing or wanting to be involved with.

ferretmom's picture

I know how you feel. I've always been the one to do Christmas cards, H never sends them. Now when we get cards from his family they come addressed to me. I even send the thank you cards for gifts. When H wanted to do the family photo deal both my sons were gone and I refused. What I did was take a picture of my dog in a Santa hat in front of the tree and used that. H objected but everyone who get a card that year thought it was adorable. Maybe that would work for you.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I thought of suggesting to H that he wait until another year, when maybe he will have slimmed down some. :evil: Ok. Not Nice. It's Christmas season, supposed to be nice, supposed to be nice, supposed to be nice...Sorry.

northernsiren's picture

If your heart is not in it, don't do it. The yr I got divorced I refused to even see MY family for Thanksgiving, wrote no x-mas cards, and even debated going to the family gathering, b/c my X and I had done those things as a couple for 8 yrs beforehand, and it was just too painful.

I don't blame you for not wanting to do it w/o your son. It sends the wrong message, no matter why he left, I'm sure it would hurt him terribly to see it, and it will hurt you too, looking at it would remind you even more. No, I love the dog idea, as it will hurt no one's feelings.

And as far as being nice, that starts by being kind to yourself Bewitched. Sounds like you're on the receiving end of precious little kindness these days, so it's not wrong to put your feelings into consideration!

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

He is my best friend-really. When things escalate with H, Max always gives me comfort. We all need a non-judgmental friend, and he's mine.

ferretmom's picture

I know what you mean. My best friend in the world is my little beagle/sheltie mix. She's almost 5 and asks nothing of me but to love her. She knows when I'm feeling down and is right there to comfort me. Wendy is my little sweetheart and I love her as much as I love my children.

BMJen's picture

you are very upset and carrying your feelings on your sleeve. As any one of us would do in your exact same situation. You are going through a hard time. And what would typically seem like something small will be something huge to you. This is something that you would understand if you had a man that loved you the way your husband should. You would want pictures of your family, and if one of your kids chose to not be there then so be it. But it's not that way because you are hurt by what your DH is and has been doing to you.

Bewitched, I'm so sorry for everything you've been going through. Please don't let the petty stuff get to you. You know what you have to do. Don't even let this stuff bother you. You know who your family is, and it's certainly not DH and his brats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your kids are your family and he can go FU** himself if he doesn't get that........Maybe if HE acted like your family you wouldn't feel this way. If his kids took the slightes notion to care for you, you wouldn't have these feelings.


bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

on my sleeve. I supposed to be detaching, right? I'm not doing well at that at all.

I know little things are becoming big to the feeling of powerlessness, the feeling of defeat, the constant fighting for just the smallest thing in my home continues.

I know the huge ball of rage inside of me is controlling my thoughts-on everything. I feel like I could run outside and scream and scream until there are no screams left-at all the critizing, all th snide comments, all the lack of caring or respect from H, from SD17. I know it's affecting me mentally. My ex's psychiatrist worded as this "When you live with someone with mental problems, it hurts you, damages you mentally and emotionally". His exact words.

I'm so discouraged. I applied for the only job I could find here last week, and haven't heard anything. And I know if I present myself, let how I am feeling right now show in a job interview, I'm sunk. So I continue to try to detach. Try. And I'm lousy at it.

KeepsGettingBetter's picture

It's so hard. I can't just shut off and pretend things don't bother me or not speak my mind. I'm sure we'll get there eventually.

As for the Christmas cards if your DH what's to have a family photo on them then he can organise the cards and send them out but if your the one doing them then you have whatever you want on the front of the card. I have to say that having Max on the xmas card is a great idea, He would look so cute.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

I'm happy (well, willing, anyway) to do that-it's the "family" photo that has me upset. And after talking to my youngest son today, there's no way he'd ever agree to be in it either, not with how things have been here. And H's kids are not my family-he's made that obvious. If they were, I'd be able to tell SD13 to get off my bed, SD17 to get some clothes on. Guess it upsets me so because I am treated like a wife and family member only when it suits H's needs-like cooking, cleaning. But not when it comes to me having any rights. Or love, respect.

So, yeah, Max would look cute. I'll just hope H forgets all about it with the Thanksgiving chaos, and then he'll go back to work and it will be too late, too bad.

disgusted's picture

After reading all the posts and understanding a bit more about your situation..I would say that if DH wants a "family" picture to be sent out in xmas cards...Then DH can have a pick taken of him and his kids and he can do all the foot work and penmen ship of filling out the xmas cards and taking them to the post office and mailing them to "his" family...

StepG's picture

you can create charicature pics of all family memebers and make them into cards. it lets you select head shape and add hair style colors and other stuff. I did this last year of me, H, SS and the cat. All I had to do was stuff the envelope and I printed TO and From address labels. I know you are not into but they were really awesome cards and you could include your son that is AWOL. It might make you feel good to do them. I got several calls last year at how awesome the cards were. It was our first Christmas after getting married. However I do understand how you are feeling

Angel's picture

If I do the Christmas cards, I DO THEM MY WAY.
If I cook, I do it my way.
If I water the lawn, I do it my way.
If I wash my car, I do it my way.

Try telling a man how to do something.

I don't let anyone (except my boss at work who pays me $) tell me what to do and how to do it.

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Example. We are ebayers-he is anyway. So, he bought these cell phones to sell on ebay. Of course, the task was handed to me. While I was listing the phones, I called him to ask what color they were. He said he never puts the color of the phone on the auction. I said I wanted to-if I was buying a cell on ebay, I'd want to know all about it, including the color. His response-"How dare you question my authority!" Real nasty. What authority? I'm his wife, not his underling. But that is how he is to me-with everything. And I get so tired of the constant fighting about it. He even tells me what pan to use to cook in, as unbelievable as that is! I raised a family-I sure know how to cook!