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My stepchildren and insanity.

BettyD's picture

I have been stepparenting for 10 long tiring years. My step daughter would call me the evil step mother. And of late so would my step son. You see I have been the parent. Their BM has checked in and checked out..mostly out for the last ten years. I think during the last ten years she may have spent a total of 2 weeks with her children. And 9 days of that was this last summer. I have watched this mother abandon her children, not once but over and over again. I watch her tell them how rotten we are the BD and I. We have lied to them. But where has she been. Recently my step daughter decided she couldn't at 16 follow the house rules anymore so she took up running away, all for a boy that was 18. He was so good for her. NO job, NO car, NO nothing, but it was so important for her to have him, more important than a roof over her head. We went and brought her home only to have her run again after being home less than 4 hours. A total slap in the face. I spent not less than 2 1/2 years in counseling with this child.. mind you BD wasn't there or BM no it was SM who was there. Holding her hand. Drying her tears. So instead of the option of watching her live on the streets we sent her to her mother. Another bad decision but at least we know where she is. Now my stepson has decided that the grass is looking so much greener on the other side of the fence he wants to run away too. Maybe he can go and live the life of no cares also. I don't get it. I really have no idea what is so hard about following simple rules. Do your chores. Keep your grades up. Don't smoke or do drugs. You have to attend church with the family and be part of it. Seems like a pretty easy life. I have raised two grown up children both boys and they never behaved this way. I have another teenage girl she doesn't behave this way. Is it something that they came with or is it just me? Am I expecting to much?
I don't sleep well. My marriage is suffering and I love my husband.

Comments

laughterandtears's picture

I'm sure all SK's come with it. I know mine do. SS9 had to go to an impatient youth center for 6 months b/c of what his mom did to him, he refuses to do his schoolwork properly, bringing home D's and F's and notes from the teacher that he isn't doing his work at all most days. He has real anger issues and is still very insecure. His excuse? His BM made him that way and did not make him do anything.

SS8 is very self centered and manipulative and believes that if it doesn't benifit him, he doesn't want any part of it.

BM has really done a # on them, but you know what? I haven't. It's hard, I know to try to understand WHY. It's not you, you're not expecting too much. Is there really anything you can do about the situation? When I feel like there isn't, I just let it go. It hurts too much to dwell on something I cannot change and I look foward to the day that it will all get better, even if it seems like an eternity away.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Nymh's picture

I see step moms and dads talk about this type of behavior all the time out of step kids of dysfunctional parents. Their spouse got away from them and doesn't have to deal with them anymore. They're not related to that person. But those children are their flesh and blood. I can't help but feel that this type of behavior is a manifestation of guilt that the children feel for their parents. I think your stepdaughter feels guilty that her own mother doesn't spend more time with her, or try to show her that she loves her, or try to instill rules and be a good parent. When she was younger it wasn't an issue for her because her child's mind didn't work that way yet. She didn't understand society's views on parents who abandon their kids, or children who live without rules. But now that she's getting older, her eyes are opening to how healthy normal people view her mother, and that makes her feel bad. She is ashamed of her mother for not being more like you. She feels like she has betrayed her mother by allowing you to assume such a role in her life. And now, she's trying to force herself and mother to make up for that, and trying to show her mother her loyalty, by deciding to run away and/pr live with her.

I feel like the stable, loving atmosphere that we provide to our SK's is sometimes a slap in the face, and a harsh reminder of how horrible their bio parent is.

I really don't know what to tell you except try to focus on your marriage for a little while. You and your husband did not make this mess and right now you don't have much control over it. Try not to allow it to seep into your marriage and become a wedge that drives you apart. Perhaps some form of family-based therapy could help the two kids and their mother, but considering how cooperative she's been in the past, that doesn't stand much of a chance of getting started I'd say.

Good luck with everything. I can imagine how it must feel to have invested so much time and emotion into this child who has decided it better to run away from the only people who are capable of providing for her a stable, healthy, and loving home. I'm so sorry. Sad

*~So sayeth Nymh~*