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Following on C_G's last blog

belleboudeuse's picture

I just read Constantly_Guilty's last blog "Sad and Hurt for My SD10 This Christmas", about how her SD's BM can't even be bothered to MAIL her own daughter a Christmas present. Instead, she's going to wait until the next time she sees her -- in APRIL.

I started writing a ranty response because I can SOOOOOO relate to how C_G feels, but then I realized I was probably hijacking and should just rant in my own blog.

I can relate -- we, too, have a BM who is an a**hole. I have 2 SDs. The younger one (16) is adopted, and is in a group home for behavioral problems. She is only here two weekends a month for home visits -- one weekend with us, the other with BM.

BM tries to act like the long-suffering perfect mom where YSD is concerned. And I think she gets away with it in front of most people. But honestly, I've seen enough stuff to show me that she clearly doesn't love this kid. She tries not to see her whenever she can get away with it. So today, YSD is coming for a holiday home visit. She will be here from the 23rd to the 27th, staying with us. BM, who lives 20 mn away by car, is refusing to see YSD during this visit, because, quote, "Last year she (YSD) ruined Christmas." Meaning, I suppose, that BM got into it with her. But of course, bipolar nutjob BM is perfect, and if they had a fight, then BM is completely innocent -- it's ALL YSD's fault.

Believe me, I know that's not true. How do I know? Because LAST Christmas, when YSD came to stay with us, not 10 minutes after she arrived, BM called and asked to talk to her. As SOON as YSD got on the phone, BM immediately started laying into her about something. The VERY FIRST WORDS out of her stupid piehole. I was there -- BM was screaming so loud I heard her through the phone. So, no, I don't really believe that YSD is solely responsible for "ruining Christmas" last year.

But apparently, it's completely okay, and the people at the group home, YSD's social worker, and essentially everyone involved thinks it's just FINE that BM doesn't want to even take her own daughter out for so much as a hot chocolate during a four-day Christmas visit. BM told my DH that she'll just see her next home visit and give her her present then.

There are days, honestly, where I would love for BM to get angry enough with me to take a swing at me. Because so help me god, if she ever made the first move, I would smash her stupid face beyond recognition.

Merry Christmas, everyone! }:)

BB

Comments

Constantly_guilty's picture

I completely identify. SD10 talks to her mom via Skype to save on phone bills. So I can hear both sides of the conversation. Once during a fight with her BM, this crying 10-year old said "Mom, please stop hurting my feelings like this." To which her mother responded, "Who's hurting who here, you started this." Fan-fucking-tastic parenting. Who's the parent and who's the child?

Stick's picture

Merry Christmas Belle!! All I can say is THANK GOD youngest step daughter has you and DH in her life. I just wanted to let you know how much you are a positive influence for that poor child. She needs you, probably more than she realizes or even can admit.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know the feeling of actually hurting for your stepchild, because their BM treats them so poorly. In this case, I wonder why did BM ever even agree to adoption? She clearly treats this child as though she does not want her... Do you think that your youngest step daughter, who is now of age, I believe, can have herself emancipated from BM only?

I wonder if it would do that child a world of good emotionally to REJECT this as*hole of a woman who treats her so poorly.

Anyway, just thinking about your YSD rejecting that BM makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Thank God you are with that girl. Merry Christmas and Hugs!!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Thanks, Stick, and Merry Christmas to you, too! You must be THRILLED to have DH back in town! }:)

"I wonder why did BM ever even agree to adoption?"

It was HER idea -- she saw an Oprah about international adoption. (Yes, she is that shallow, apparently.) She LOVES the image of her as the perfect, momma-bear golden uterus. She certainly thinks she's a perfect mom to her older daughter, whom she completely idolizes. From what I can tell of BM, she's the type of person who is very nice to you as long as you just agree with her 100% of the time (which is mostly how OSD gets by, I think.) My guess is, she thought she would just adopt another version of OSD, dress them in pretty little outfits, and everything would be peachy keen. Guess she was so busy having her little fantasy that it didn't occur to her: a) a kid found on the street and raised in an orphanage, with evidence of sexual abuse and potential drug abuse of her bio mother, might actually have some issues that would necessitate a mother with a LOT OF PATIENCE AND LOVE to give' and b) all kids are different, and maybe YSD wouldn't be an exact carbon copy of OSD. BM essentially only has the patience to parent a kid who doesn't make any waves at all.

"Do you think that your youngest step daughter, who is now of age, I believe, can have herself emancipated from BM only?"

Unfortunately, I really don't think that's the best thing for SD. Thing is, she was abandoned by her birth mom. And she still carries huge emotional scars about that. She SOOOOO needs her mom (BM, who isn't actually her BM) to be a MOM. She can't psychologically take detaching from a second mother. She's not like your SD -- who is having a really tough time with her own mom, but can see you as the mom she never had, in a way. In my case, SD's mother-concept about her birth mom is still too fragile for her to detach from THAT completely, much less detach from UberBitch. Which is why I try to just be really supportive but not to "take her place," because I'm afraid if that worked TOO well, what would end up happening is that SD would transfer all the love to me, but it would be a really unstable love, full of huge expectations for me to make up for everything her biomom and adoptive mom didn't give her. I could only fail to live up to that -- which would mean she'd have a THIRD mom to have a difficult relationship with. Much better, though imperfect, for her to make peace with the mom she does have. That means accepting that her mother isn't exactly what she wants -- but sh*t, it would sure help if UberBitch would at least make an EFFORT not to be a complete SeeYouNextTuesday.

Sigh. Anyway, I'm ranting again.

Have a great Christmas with your amazing DH!

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Hate-Me's picture

you wanna know whats funny, some days where BM would really get into it with me, that same night i would have the most wonderful dreams of kicking her ass. then i wake up happy Smile