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Simple pleasures...

BellaMia's picture

Submitted by BellaMia on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 9:55am

Fact: Disengaging is the best thing since sliced bread. Here are some things I have stopped doing with regard to H and SS11.

Laundry - SS likes to put the clean, neatly-folded clothes I take the time to wash on the floor, mixed in with dirty clothes. As of yesterday, he's now washing his own clothes. I will advise him along the way (the little Amelia Bedelia brained creature would probably put the entire bottle of detergent in and ruin my frontloader), but I'm not touching anything.

After-school snacks - I used to make them for him, but he doesn't appreciate anything. So now? I buy snacks and put them in the pantry. He can do the rest on his own.

Asking about school - I no longer ask, "Do you have homework? Do you need help?" I'm not sure how this child blinks without being told and I'm plain sick of it. His mother did everything and nothing for him. The result is a child who fails school, doesn't clean up after himself, has no concept of good hygiene (I still have to hear, "Do I need to take a shower?" Um, that would be great...), eats like he was reared by wolves (How does an almost 12-year-old get his face and both hands filthy during any and every meal? Try a fork, spoon and knife! Geez...), doesn't know how to interact with others, etc...

Doing bullshit tasks - The young Duke of Perfection wanted oatmeal for breakfast Monday. He asks his dad Sunday night if he will make it for him the next day. H says, "I don't know how to make it. You know cooking is not my strength..." Both of them then look at me and I ignore them. Banter about oatmeal continues. I finally say, "It's instant. The directions are on the box." The next morning, H reminds me that Oh Precious One wants oatmeal. I said, "Great. And he can make it." H told me neither of them know how. READ THE FRIGGIN BOX! I didn't get out of bed and it felt great. Why the heck should I go above and beyond when no one else is and no one else appreciates/wants it? I have decided that I am saving my nurturing for me...

How have YOU disengaged and taken back your power?

Comments

glynne's picture

Submitted by glynne on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 11:18am

I disengaged many years ago and I am so glad that I did. Just wished that I'd done it sooner. I use to take SD shopping, plan birthday and holiday parties, cook, clean etc and in return I was ignored, villified and disrepected. Since step parents are so "mean" and "unfair" to the kids - let the bio parents do ALL of it: cleaning, cooking, chaufeuring. We are suppose to love these kids like their our own but we have no say so in how they are raised - it's a no win situtation and disengaging gave me my sanity back.

Tx mommy of 3's picture

Submitted by Tx mommy of 3 on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 12:21pm

I love the oatmeal thing! Lol! Read the box, dh and ss. Let me see, add water and put in microwave- hmmmm.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Tue, 04/05/2011 - 12:27pm

GREAT!

1. Dishes from skids visit this weekend are STILL in the sink. Mine and my visitor from the weekend and yesterday are in the dishwasher.
2. SO: Hey, maybe alwaysanxious will let you drive her car so you can practice today. Alwaysanxious: No, I think its better to do that with BM.
3. SD15: I'd like some coffee. Me: ignore. SD: Dad, I'd like some coffee. SO: I don't know how to make it. Me: ignore (sitting right there with them). SD: But I'd really want some coffee. SO: I don't know how to make it, I'm not dragging out the coffee pot. I'll just give you money for gma to take you to starbucks. Me: ignore.
4. SD15: alwaysanxious Where's the lotion? Me: Ignore (I was in another room pretended not to hear)
5. No cooking unless SO assists with cooking and dishes.
6. No helping SO find activities for them for camps or things they ask to do. I used to do all of it. Never again.
7. SO: hey I'm out with SS, could you take SD and her cousin to get something to eat? Me: No, I'm not home. Didn't know you were planning to be gone with SS today. I quickly left the house after that text }:)
8. Bathtowel used by SD still in bathroom laying on the counter. Haven't touched it. Left it even though a home improvement person came to visit and would see it. SO gets more embarrassed by those things than me. Works in my favor.
9. I do not wash their clothes. Interestingly enough, neither does SO. I heard one ask this weekend to which SO replied "sure". he never did it.

I just don't go out of my way anymore. Its my only control, and I'm taking it!

no previous kids's picture

Submitted by no previous kids on Wed, 04/06/2011 - 2:50pm

This is the best advise I have heard in a while. I have started disengaging, but I see more areas where I can make changes. I always find myself getting my feelings hurt when I try to help. It is a shame that I have to pull away. Right now I see many red flags with SD15 and SS12. They are headed for a really tough reality check, but I can't possibly know what I am talking about because I don't have any Biokids. HELLO!!! I was a kids at one time. I already correctly predicted that SD15 ex-boyfriend was a thug. Guess what I was correct...He stole the ex's suv and totaled it running from the cops. Now I remember the bioparents claiming he was a wonderful guy. Oh well, lucky for me they live in another state and I only have to suffer through the entire summer of them being here and all major holidays. I am waiting for the day when my hubby figures out why I put my iPOD on when we all have to eat together. I can't stand his kids eating habits...especially SS12. I do not what to see him chew or listen to him smacking his food. Really??? How hard is it to chew with your mouth closed. It drives me crazy...I have tried all I can. So now I just turn up the music and find a little peace.