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What was I supposed to do?

banway's picture

So, my one and only post when I joined here was about my FDH sleeping with his daughter (7). I did talk to him about it and he made some changes. That said, twice during the last visit (big improvement), she ended up in bed with us.

Both times, he had been drinking and kind of passed out. I woke up in the middle of the night both times and he was "exposed." Obviously to me, he'd had an erection in his sleep and things didn't quite settle where they were supposed to. To be perfectly clear, he had pyjamas on & his daughter was no where near it & it was nothing more than a normal sleep-erection for any man. So he's well-endowed, yes.

When I was a kid, I encountered this with my dad & it really damaged me, damaged our relationship.

My FDH is obsessive compulsive, so I knew telling him this would really mess with his head. I didn't want to, so continued with my argument that it was simply my boundary and I wouldn't tolerate having SD7 in bed with us.

Well, I finally decided that the risk of accidentally damaging his daughter was too great & I told him about my personal experience and finding him exposed while she was in bed with us. He completely freaked out on me.... insinuated that I was crazy & needed help, hasn't spoken to me since.

I do feel bad that this is a reality that has to be even considered...but, I 100% think he had to know. Was I supposed to "risk it" and say nothing? What was I supposed to do?

Comments

Silvercat's picture

I think he over reacted.

In hindsight, you probably should have brought the erection issue up the first time you discussed the co sleeping issue with him, because now it looks to him like you are trying to come up with something extreme to make him stop co sleeping.

But he must know, surely, that he (and all men!) get erections in their sleep! I often wondered about that with my DH when he slept with his son (up to age of 7) but took the view that DH must be aware of the fact that nocturnal erections happen and that he didn't think it was a problem. But it would be even more difficult to deal with if the child is female. Probably most fathers who co sleep with little daughters do know, but they know its not sexual so they think its OK.

A friend's ex husband let his daughter (her SD) sleep in their bed and had erections, which my friend knew and pointed out to him, and he was offhanded and blase about it. IOW he didn't care.

Did you broach the subject in a tactful way, or did he see it as accusing or confronting?

banway's picture

Thanks & you're probably right about bringing it up the first time. Like I said, he has OCD (a rare kind that really only manifests in obsessive thoughts) so sensitive issues can be difficult to broach with him. I was as tactful as possible, but it is difficult to communicate with him without him "ruminating" on a small point and tuning out the rest. I do communications for a living, so can usually figure out what will work.

banway's picture

Thanks & you were right. The "ick" factor went off the charts; he's back to reality and understands what I was talking about. He's still processing and angry (defensive), but will get over it.

herewegoagain's picture

You handled it well. If he's freaked, it's on him. I imagine he is probably a bit freaked and a bit embarrassed...I have a feeling, he will not be doing it anymore.

PS - when DH didn't see a problem I asked him "what would you think if your ex and her new husband slept with YOUR daughter in bed?" that was enough for him to stop...he couldn't tell his ex that he would NOT allow her to do that in her home if he did it in ours... lol

banway's picture

Well I said "kind of passed out," but that's irrelevant because he drank more than he should have. It's not common and I rarely drink, so the child was in no danger. Not that I need to defend it, but I do understand the circumstance this time... been working away for 2 months, 12 hour work days, a couple days off here and there. He was home for 2 weeks and was full-on in vacation mode. So, twice in 2 weeks he outdid himself. I'm willing to live with that.

Jessie410's picture

I think you did the exact right thing. My DH allowed his 12 year old son to sleep with him until I really put my foot down and said this is "MY" bed and he can sleep on the couch. I don't like other people sleeping in my bed (not to mention, why am I sleeping on a too small couch?) so it's nothing against his son, but to be honest, I do find it creepy when a 12, almost 13 year old boy wants a massage (pyjama pants on), gives a massage, wants to constantly sleep or play in my bed (I wouldn't have wanted to be in my parents' bed as a teenager, let alone a bed I knew my dad slept in with his girlfriend or new wife) and plays in his dad's chest hair.
Of course, none of my business and I'm just jealous of his kids, so other than the bed thing, I stay quiet