Another reminder to disengage

I’m such a sucker for a sob story.

The eldest SD 16 was complaining her mom made her purchase her own clothing with money SD made working over the summer.

Now I am not a fan of their stalking, cruel and just generally disgusting BM (although I do not voice my opinion of her to them), but get being a teen and buying your own clothes. At 16 when I got my first job, my parents had me go the same, outside of clothing they’d buy for birthdays, holidays or special occasion.

But you know, it’s still not fun at that age because everything is so expensive.

Anyway, I had several (edited to clarify) very nice pairs of shoes and boots I could no longer wear (due to a foot injury that makes wearing just about any heels too painful). I was going to consign then as they were rather expensive items. But instead, I offered them to her. She seemed to happily accept 3 of the 4 shoes offered. (Edited: initially for brevity I mentioned the 3 pairs she took. I had offered her a 4th pair which were sandals that she turned down. I didn’t think that detail was important originally, but for clarity have updated).

Before she left, I asked her if she had them, and in front of her father, she told me yes. I thought it suspicious as she was carrying a rather small bag. But you know, whatever. She was in a hurry to leave as her Boyfried drove the hour plus to come rescue her early on Sunday from the apparent boredom of our house. Not my kid, don’t care.

Except she lied. I went to drop off an item we store in her room, and there were the shoes.

So I mentioned to my SO that I thought it odd she would lie to me about taking them home, as she could have just said she’d take them next time. He told me, “Yeah, I meant to say something to you about that. Her lies are coming too easily and too often right now. Take the shoes back. She doesn’t deserve your being so nice to her. She also didn’t text you when I told her to wish you Happy Birthday a few weeks ago (side note: his other two did), so please don’t feel like you need to help her out.”

So thank you for the reminder, SO! It’s back to disengaging for me!

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I'm guessing BM would not be

I'm guessing BM would not be happy in the slightest if she came home with three pairs of shoes from you - but she doesn't want to betray BM by saying that. Why not let her leave them at your house? I'm confused why this is such a big deal? This seems like a "white lie" to me - kind of like telling someone you like their haircut (if they ask) when it looks atrocious - trying to make everyone happy, which is what kids who feel caught in the middle do.

Wow

way to be supportive! Tog redux.

Is this sarcasm? Because it’s

Is this sarcasm? Because it’s hard to tell. I read that as Tog offering another angle to view it from.

I'm sorry, am I supposed to

I'm sorry, am I supposed to reflexively tell everyone that they are right about everything? That they never should examine things in other ways or that their interpretation might be wrong?

Not at all the case

She loves nothing more than to fight with her mother. She would be more likely to take them if it upset her mother. Trust me - the BM in my case is liked by no one. Even BMs mother has told me how awful her own daughter is.

In some instances I’d agree, but not in this situation.

Fair enough - but again, why

Fair enough - but again, why lie? Is she trying not to hurt YOUR feelings by saying she doesn't want the shoes?

I come at this from the perspective of an SM with a skid who lies like it's his job. Sometimes, he lies just to get approval or make people happy with him. It's dysfunctional, but it's a coping skill he's developed from feeling stuck in between his parents.

My take on it is this:

My take on it is this: consider her age; she may not want them, but cannot bring herself to say so. If she’s not an assertive person to begin with, she may not be able to say “No thanks!”

You have options. Leave the shoes where they are. When she returns, simply point out you noticed they were left behind. Does she still want them? Ask her.

Or, take them back and take them to the consignment shop.

Well she did refuse a pair of sandals

but agreed to take the other 3 pairs. So again, really not the case here.

Huh?

I read you offered her 3 pairs of shoes. Were there more?

Yes to be clear

there were the three pairs she accepted. There was actually a pair of sandals she didn’t take. For the sake of brevity, I only mentioned the three she seemed to want.

I spent last weekend cleaning out my closets of shoes it just can’t wear due to my injury. Heck, I had two more I didn’t even offer her because I figured they weren’t even close to her style.

When I read second sentence, it all reminded me.

I had a similar experience with SD when she was about the same age.

Like you, I was trying to empathize with SD when she said she didn't have a dress for the prom. I remember making my own prom dress because I had no money to buy one. I had just enough (from my part time job) to buy the fabric and trimmings. I remember wishing I had had someone who would have "helped" me because my mother did not have the money or interest to do so at the time.

When SD's prom rolled around it appeared her mother was was completely disinterested. BM is notorious for wearing the same clothing day after day, even when it becomes dirty. She rarely even combs her hair. She does not have any interest in fashion whatsoever so it was not surprising that she had no interest in SD's upcoming prom attire nor helping her find something to wear.

SD told her father (my SO) and I that she didn't have anything to wear and was going to borrow a dress from a friend. We didn't understand this because there is no shortage of money in the family. The school that SD went to was a private one and pretty exclusive, so I thought it was odd she would have to wear a classmate's borrowed dress to her prom. I suggested that maybe my SO could offer to take SD shopping for a dress and I would just "tag" along. SO extended that offer (saying we would take her shopping) and SD happily accepted.

We went out to the mall and I purposely held back and let SD and her dad to the walking and most of the talking. When SD tried on a few dresses I got a better understanding of what she was looking for and what size she wore. Unfortunately, she didn't find anything she liked in her size so we called it a day. I figured at least SO and SD had this chance to spend some time together even if I was in the background.

Fast forward a week or so later and I was doing some shopping. A high-end department store had an outlet near me and I saw a section of dresses with deep discounts. I took a look and found a dress that I thought was exactly what SD was looking for and her size. I couldn't believe my eyes, but it was a $950 designer dress marked down to $50! This designer was considered "hot" among younger girls/women so I figured it was a find. I called up my SO and told him about it and asked if he wanted me to pick it up for her. He said to grab it so I did.

He then called SD, told her that I might have found a dress for her and described it. But he also made it clear that if she didn't like it, it was no big deal since it could be returned as long as tags stayed on. She and a friend immediately decided to come over so she could see it. When the girls arrived, they both squealed in delight when they saw the dress. SD tried it on and it fit like a glove - she was beaming and so excited to have something to wear to the prom! Her girlfriend was happily envious and said she thought it was perfect for SD. SD excitedly left with the dress and my SO was happy SD was happy. I was even a bit happy myself, that day, as I thought maybe - just maybe - I did something that might be considered helpful for SD. I secretly had these stupid visions that I was a bit like a godmother who helped make her prom special.

Fast forward a few days and SD calls up her dad and says she's going to come over and bring back the dress. When she came by, she was noticibly cooler and said that the more she thought about it, the more she thought the dress wasn't right and said that it was "too elegant" for her prom. That was the phrase this 16 year old used - "too elegant."

I knew then that I had stepped in it - big time. That phrase ultimately came out of BM's mouth and it was obvious that BM figuratively dumped cold water all over this dress because I had been involved. Athough she had no interest in what her daughter wore to her prom and wasn't going to help her, she nonetheless made it clear she didn't want me to be part of it.

This incident resonates with me the most because I learned my mistake and a sad lesson at the same time. It was when my disengagement started although I didn't know to call it that at the time. I saw the lightbulb go off. No matter how good my intentions were I could not step anywhere near where a mother's role should be nor try to take on any kind of friendly female role towards SD. This was my mistake. The whole clothing, make-up, hair styles, etc. for girls seems to be forbidden territory for most SMs.

My advice to you is that you never get involved or offer anything else to your SD of a personal nature. Like mine, she has probably been coached by BM to not want anything you offer or has just decided on her own that she doesn't want anything from you.

Disengaging is the only answer - so keep doing it! In my case, I got something brand new for SD that I thought was exactly what she was looking for and was bought with her in mind - and failed miserably.

In fairness, I wanted to add that I can understand SD and BM's position a bit in your case. Since these were YOUR shoes, and had been worn by you, they might find it objectionable. I also had a SM and at one point she sent me home with a big bag of her used clothing. When we got it home, we found all kinds of used bras, underwear and GIRDLEs in there! My mother was outraged that she sent me home with this stuff and told everyone she knew how disgusting it was. I'm certainly not saying your shoes were in the same category but they were used and had been worn by you.

I get the impulse!

but again BM is not liked by her own daughters. And honestly, all she would have to tell her mom is they were from a friend. The mom goes out of town for work for multiple overnights leaving the eldest alone with her sisters and doesn’t bother telling the eldest it’s happening and she will be in charge.

But point taken. I am done offering things to her.

One

Some parents don’t want there kids to have money from a job, so they make them buy clothes instead of buying that are worthless, or drugs, or other bad thing.

BM will not want your old things in her house, as I am sure you would not be happy if BM sent you a some of her old things for you to used.

I think you had only good

I think you had only good intentions when you offered her your boots. I would try not to take it so personal because some people don't know how to say "no thanks". SD could be one of them and even if she's not, you now know not to offer her anything and just allow your H to do all the footwork. No love lost darling, just a lesson learned.

It's a good lesson for SD to learn that any lie, even an innocent one, can deliver consequences.