About to go crazy
I love my husband to death. We got married about two years ago. He has a kid that lives with us. It drives me absolutely crazy that my husband will not be consistent with the kid and send him to his mom's house every weekend and for the summer. Instead, he wants me to be his mom. I told him that I am his helpmate, not the kid's mom. He has a mom however my husband does not hold her accountable for anything in the kid's life. I told my husband that I wouldn't have married him if I would have known he was not going to be consistent. Any advice before I file my paperwork....
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Welcome to the site!
Love is indeed not enough when it comes to step families, however, if you do love your husband, despite his failings as a father, couple counselling is not the worst idea. At least if you then decide to divorce him you can tell yourself that you tried everything. And maybe he needs one last chance to make some changes.....
I am setting up counseling to
I am setting up counseling to see if this helps....if not, I am filing!
What do you want him to hold
What do you want him to hold his ex accountable for?
I do not know....she gave my
I do not know....she gave my husband full custody and has been gone ever since. She was supposed to get him on weekends, holidays and the summer....I told him I will serve her with papers because enough is enough.
The child has a mother, and
The child has a mother, and it's not fair to you OR the child that your husband would like to replace that mother with you.
Thank you for saying this
Thank you for saying this because I feel the same way!
So, your husband expects you
So, your husband expects you to pay for the BM's shortcomings by having no control or predictability over who is in your home. It's all about him, the man in control. Are you sure the BM is even that bad or is your DH PASing the kid (parental alienation syndrome?) Sounds like a bad deal to me.
Not sure but you brought up a
Not sure but you brought up a good point....she is living her life not doing SHI%*#(*$(#* for her child but sending a check
So I don't think you should
So I don't think you should be parenting the child, that's COMPLETELY fair. I think any involvement you have with the child should be totally your choice. HOw exactly is he expecting you to be the mom? How is he not holding his ex accountable?
However, you frankly also sound way selfish saying he should send the kid to his mom's EVERY weekend and EVERY summer, are you just expecting your DH to not have the child ever? Or what is your schedule? Part of being married to someone with kids, is that the kids are gonna be present.
ETA: If your Dh has custody and his ex has visitation, you literally can't force it. The one with visitation can refuse to use it, whereas the one with custody can't force it.
Maybe they have joint custody
Maybe they have joint custody and dad isn't letting the kid go for mom's scheduled visitation? In my state, joint is often awarded with no primary or domiciliary parent, so there is no custodial parent. Or maybe they have no CO. Idk, i know we are all going through a lot but i like the fact that Steptalk is usually the only place online or in person where stepparents aren't given the default status of selfish or evil.
Or maybe OP really doesn't want the kid there ever and is trying to stop the only short amount of visitation her husband gets.
I didn't call her selfish. I
I didn't call her selfish. I said she's sounding selfish. Which is always why I asked all the details of the order to get a better grasp on it all
If they have no CO, that's primary issue number one. I really hope her DH isn't withholding the child. Even if no one has primary though, is the other parent required to take the child, in my expereince, courts often don't enforce that. Espcieally when it involves mom being a deadbeat.
From my read on it, it sounds much more like her DH probably has custody since she's bringing up all the weekends and summer, that seems to be more standard visitation in most cases.
Hopefully OP will clarify.
Hopefully OP will clarify. Maybe i'm projecting my own experience, but even the sweetest stepkids can get on your nerves if you have no idea when they are coming or going and BM/DH have full control of your home based on their feelings. And it is easier to accept a challenging stepkid when you know when they will come, when they will leave (at least mostly?), and you can plan your life and prepare accordingly. I agree that they need a CO and they should follow it with exceptions only in special cases. Otherwise, the "first couple" is controlling your home based on how they feel and what's convenient for them (never what's convenient for the SP and often also the kids!)
Oh no. I agree. Mine were
Oh no. I agree. Mine were great! But they still had moments I wanted to whack my head against the wall.
And BM was a completely different topic.
Rumplestiltskin & ProbablyAlready
No, the child did have a behavioral problem but I stopped that crap ASAP! I am not putting up with sh*(* from a kid that is not mine. However, he is the laziest damn kid that I have ever seen! He does not do crap but play video games all day. I had to create a chore chart for him to do work. My husband is finally adhering to the chart and making him do chores but wants to give him off dates on Sat and Sun....WTF! However, when the kid goes to him mom's house, he acts a damn fool! He curses at her, eats in his room, tears sh*(#@$@ up...just will not mind....so what advice can you guys provide?
Good points on visitation. It
Good points on visitation. It was set when she gave my husband full custody but she is not adhering to it. I am the one having to purchase stuff for the child and pay for stuff because she send money but not enough. My husband has not been working full time and I am the one taking up the slack for a child that is not mine. I have been doing it for 2 years and I am tired of doing it
OP steplife is hard.
OP steplife is hard.
What is the visitation schedule like with BM? Is there one in place?
Have you tried disengaging? Just not doing the parenting things that your husband is demanding.
"Hey, atl, I need you to take SS ___/Get him up/ whatever" -- You say, sorry I can't today. You should take care of that since you are his parent.
I love that idea.....I will
I love that idea.....I will start that in the morning! Thanks!
When your life goals are this far off
Him wanting you to replace BM in his happy family mine set. And you not in that same mine set in life This willnever going to end in a good way. Time for the talk. ,!
Thanks! I am going to try
Thanks! I am going to try counseling and not being responsible for the child. If this doesnt work....I am filing...
My husband has full custody
My husband has full custody but they agreed to visitation every weekend, holidays, winter & summer breaks. However, she does not adhere to it and my husband doesn't make her. I have even suggested that we file paperwork to enforce to adhere to visitation but he says she is not going to do anything. Whenever she gets him, she takes him over to her sister's house. If I had known it would be like this, then I wouldn't have married my husband. I do not have any kids, in my 40s, very successful, and do not need this stress. I am the one that is spending money supporting my husband and his son..not the kid's mother. Frankly, I am sick of it! I would have much more in my savings if it wasn't for them. I have told my husband that things have to change or I am OUT! I shared my feelings with my husband that his son needs to move out when he turns 18. At that time, he would have lived with me for 8 years and it will be his mom's time to take care of him or he can move to a group home or an apartment, etc. If counseling does not work, I do not want him to choose between me and his son. That is not fair to him so I will divorce him instead. My sanity is worth more than anything......
Plus,, the child did have a
Plus,, the child did have a behavioral problem but I stopped that crap ASAP! I am not putting up with sh*(* from a kid that is not mine. However, he is the laziest damn kid that I have ever seen! He does not do crap but play video games all day. I had to create a chore chart for him to do work. My husband is finally adhering to the chart and making him do chores but wants to give him off dates on Sat and Sun....WTF! However, when the kid goes to his mom's house, he acts a damn fool! He curses at her, eats in his room, tears sh*(#@$@ up...just will not mind....so what advice can you guys provide?