Your expectations are NOT too high. The biggest part of any parenting (not just step imho) are both parents need to get on the same page in the household. So if your DH isn't enforcing, it's going to be hard, because he'll just learn to go to your DH are work around you.

Yes I feel judged when my MIL is around. LIke UNCOMFORTABLY so. I still cringe some. But my MIL has said enough crap at this point, I honestly am starting to desensitize quite a bit. Side note: My FIL is just lovely.

Sure. But I don't let my MIL's judgements bother me at all. She raised two kids who became teen parents and her daughter still boomerrangs back home every few years because she will never be independent. They think I'm too strict with my son, and I take their critisicm as a sign I'm doing things right lol.

I never bothered to discuss skid discipline with my in laws. They don't believe in silly things like consequences or structure or expectations. It would have been a useless conversation loaded with excuses for shitty behavior/choices. No thanks!

That said, you know full well that you are the only reason your SS now has rules and consequences. It has really only been a year or so since you guys got your own place and only just recently did you marry his dad. The rules came fast and hard for this kid. I think it would have been less of an adjustment for him if you hadn't taken the reigns so eagerly and let your DH lead the charge into this new life of consequences and expectations. I consider myself "strict" but I still find some of your expectations over the top and some of your consequences seem to be harsher than the situation requires. 

You are right, but so is SIL. You are right that kids need parental structure, but SIL is also right in pointing out that you need more positive parenting tools in your toolbox. And DH should be the primary disciplinarian, not you. Not only would that improve your relationship with SS, it would avoid the judgy shit from SIL.

This sounds like the kind of "advice" you get from people who do not yet have children. Right?

While my DD was young my DH would tell me I was too hard on her - making her do chores, do homework, etc.  now that she is successfully launched in her 20’s he is now saying I did the right thing.  Of course his DD is 60 and still asking for money soooooooo..... his opinion of my parenting, though irritating at the time, had little impact on me.  You keep doing what you and your DH feel is right and treat the SIL with kindness but no trust.

We all judge and are judged from time to time.  

Prior to moving in with your husband, you judged the grandparents and aunt for the way the parented the kid.  Now the aunt is judging you.

Ignore it and let it roll off of your back.

Been there. My in-laws think I'm awful because I don't feed SD a bunch of junk when she doesn't eat her actual meals, I expect her to show manners/respect, and overall, I have fairly basic rules. They'll make jokes like if they give her a treat, they'll say "better not show sunshinex" as if I'd take it away or something? Because at home, she refuses most meals so she doesn't get many treats. That seems common sense to me. I do the same with my 17-month-old son... If he's not eating his meals, he doesn't get treats. Not very hard to comprehend IMO. 

In fact, I'll be "harder" on my son in a lot of ways because I want him to reach his full potential. SD doesn't have any chores, doesn't clean her room, does absolutely nothing but follow very, very minor rules like washing hands after eating and such. She's 7. My son will have chores years earlier than that! Funny thing is, everyone praises how "great" of a guest SD can be because she follows MY basic rules. 

One time, MIL commented that it's not fair to rush kids. We were getting ready to go somewhere and SD tends to be really slow so I directed her to go get dressed and brush her teeth/hair and I'll check back in 5 minutes to make sure she's doing it. I got a lecture about how some kids do things at their own pace and it's not fair to rush them and she never rushed HER kids into anything - she let them take their time. Like ok MIL, that's why my husband is CONSTANTLY late. He's lost a couple jobs for being late! But sure, YOU did things properly. 

If I have to be somewhere, I'm damn well making sure SD doesn't make me late. It's tacky and rude to show up late, and in some cases, if I'm bringing her to school before work, there is NO option. I'm not losing my job over her "children's right" to be slow. Nope. 
 

Opinions only matter if you let them. DON'T LET THEM.

In laws are not your friend - never forget that.

My DH has several sisters, one of whom used to be almost pathological about bringing their family together. Never mind the unresolved dysfunction, assorted bad behaviors and feuds that made every gathering awkward, she would ignore and enable to get her broken family in the same room. OSD is like a sister to her, and SIL always turned a blind eye to her tantrums, selfishness, and narc behavior.  You'd think that SIL's support would be for her brother first, but that hasnt been the case and partly why he has little to do with her now.

Don't discuss your SS with your SIL, but if you must, always couch things in terms of what your DH wants, how he disciplines, and so forth. Keep yourself out of the equation as much as possible, and never say anything critical about the grandparents to her! She contributed to the behaviors you're trying to correct, and is not your ally.