Tales of the In-laws
For anyone who has seen me post from the start of my step adventure to adopting to now having a bio you all know I have always had an issue with my in-laws. I do not have BM in my life but I do have them. This is not an angry post or anything like that really who knows.
So MIL is visiting and she decided to get a little drunk last night (surprise, not really). Anyway, I was sleeping but DH had to deal with her and gave me the recap this morning. I guess she kept saying we do not need to change DS 1, he is perfect the way he is. She then proceeded to tell him that DS had been cursing while he was visiting them and was told to stop by her and her friend as well. He also said to MIL he would only stop if she stopped smoking.
Of course, he didn't get in trouble for this behavior or how he was ignoring adults and treating them. Hence why he thinks he can do whatever he wants when he's there and has no respect for MIL at all. I find this morning before I leave for work I wake his but up and have a little conversation with him. As soon as I said I heard you have been cursing while you were down visiting your g-parents. Ever seen the deer caught in headlights look, yeah his look came close to that.
You may be thinking well the allowed it, and I agree to some extent but I also do not like the fact that my child disrespected adults in that manner at all. He now has a lovely list of chores to be done before I get home today, and I said if they are not done to my standard I will make you redo them. I know MIL will help him. I also mentioned if you keep up this attitude like you are an adult and think you can do whatever you want, I will start treating like one, you can pay rent, bills and so many other things like an adult.
Needless to say, I do not totally blame DS but at 11 you should not be talking to any adult like that and if an adult tells you to stop you listen and do as you are told. Again he never gets in trouble when he is with the in-laws. I do not deal with a BM but it is amazing to me how different of a kid he is with them and how much he changes when he is around them still to this day after three years in our house with our rules.
I know they will never respect us and our rules. Hell, I told her not to buy any junk food because DS has put on 10lbs in the last month from eating way too much junk while visiting everyone. What do I come home to, a huge barrel thing of party mix. I have learned to let things go and ignore for the most part. But I just can not ignore the fact he acted that way when he never does that in our home or even at my parent's house. All so very interesting.
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Comments
My bio is only 4, but he's
My bio is only 4, but he's learned he can be a feral monkey at his Nana's house.
I know he's your kid now, but I still think your expectations are a bit much. Not many grandparents are going to parent their grandbabies.
I don't disagree that he deserved a consequence for being disrespectful. I do think it would have had more of an impact had you waited to give it until after MIL left. Now she's just going to undermine your authority to the kid's face.
Kids will behave based on the
Kids will behave based on the rukes at their place they're at.
I was allowed to talk far more freely with my mom than I could with my dad because my dad didn't tolerate it. I also knew that they'd both (figuratively) skin me alive if I talked back to any adults or didn't listen. My grandparents, when they were alive, allowed even less misbehaving than my parents (but, given their work schedules, we spent more time with our grandparents than we did our parents).
YSS and OSS are the same, though it's more pronounced (or was) with YSS. My ILs and BM would let him act like a baby, so that's how he acted. It took him a hot minute to adjust to DH's rules when my ILs weren't around, but he eventually learned that DH and I both expected him to act his age and be respectful. Guess who had fewer issues with him? Yep, us.
You did the right thing by punishing him, IMO. DH has done the same with the boys when they have misbehaved for another adult. Didn't matter that the other adult allowed it. DH had taught them better and expected better, and he wanted them to know that he was paying attention. Plus, he wanted them to learn that even IF they had permission to be disrespectful, it wasn't an invitation to be that way and he wanted them to have more character than that.
So, where does that leave you? Doing what you're doing. You can't control what your ILs do. But, what you CAN do is set the precedent that actions that happen outside your home can still result in consequences from you. I'm sure if he misbehaved in school that you'd still punish him at home. The ILs are no different. If they won't uphold the same rules and standarda you do, that's fine. However, that doesn't mean you don't hold DS to those standards no matter where he is and act when you find out he isn't behaving within those parameters.
You can't change your ILs, so don't try. But make DS aware that he is responsible for his actions no matter who he's with, and anything that is disrespectful will be dealt with by you, even in cases where he might or might not be punished by the people he's being disrespectful to. That could mean that he'll receive doube punishments: one from the person he offends, and one by you for disrespecting himself and your family rules.
Thank you so much. I agree
Thank you so much. I agree with everything you said here.
It's not unusual for kids to
It's not unusual for kids to act wild at grandparents. They don't live near by so it's only one ccassional. I'd not let it bother me. I'd also say for grandmas to get drunk is more of a problem than kids cussing
I am not really letting it
I am not really letting it bother me just wanted to get it out for a minute I guess. I think both are a problem. DH's family is a bunch of drunks at this point. MIL, FIL and SIL all drink a ton in my opinion. DH falls prey to it as well at times and him and I have had it out about his drinkind lately with a little one on the way. he doe snot drink during the week at all and on the weekends well sometime he is good sometimes not.
The not times have been getting to me as I am gettting closer to 7 months preganat and told he can't drink that much anymore because I need a sober driver in case of emergency. His whole family drinks to access to just escape reality and not really face issues in thier life.