Start to realize something
Well SS10 has an attitude still like, well crap. Anyway SS takes it upon himself to turn the thermostat up again in his bathroom to over 80 yes over 80 because he was in there for 5 minutes and he was cold. Third time now. First time nice talk explained to him not to do. 2nd time he did it was punished a little and explained it costs us money.
This third time yeah DH and I laid into him. he got into plenty of trouble this time and I put tape over it. A lot of tape. When we talk to him he just stares at us like he does not give a crap what we say or what type of punishment we enforce. I got called mean because he was mad at me, of course me and not DH, because we took everything away. DH laid down the punishment first. I decided to add to it a little. I figure he wants to cost us money he loses extras at school that we spend money one. He is allowed and extra snack a week at school which he just earned back.
This morning he asks me to make him a smoothie for breakfast and I say yes. I probably set myself up for this but I said you do not only mean horrible moms make their kids smoothies. I was being sarcastic and carried over from last night. He didn't say anything at first but than said with a huge attitude like o.k. I will just make it all myself. I knew he couldn't and had no clue how. I said ok you go ahead. I know I know I set myself up for all that. I did not the night before. Or many of the other times he has an attitude and talks to adults like he is an adult and has the same status as them.
Out of all that I have come to a conclusion. You sometime may possibly never able to undo what has been done by others before you. He was allowed for long time to talk back and argue and act spoiled. While we have made good strides I am not totally sure he will ever get past it all. I can keep parenting and do what I am doing but things may just never change. It is so frustrating and annoying at times.
He is sometimes just so ungrateful for anything he has. After he got punished last night DH was talk about his review he got at work and they said he was always in happy good mood. SS chimed in and said "daddy you always happy" very sarcastic. This is after he was already in trouble and I snapped at him and said something about his comment. He does not care. Things do not register with him. He lacks something and I just can not put my finger on it. Something is not connecting with him. It is so strange.
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My SS is 9
And we like to say that his give a f##k is just broken. He doesn't give a poop about anything that anyone says, no puishment seems to really effect him. Totally ungrateful for everything. I will give him credit, he doesn't talk back much, but his IDGAF attitude is loud and clear.
It's time to take the money
It's time to take the money going for the heating bill and buy a lockbox for the thermostat.
I am thinking about it.
I am thinking about it. Believe me I really am. All I had on hand was tape yesterday.
I would have duct-taped that
I would have duct-taped that t-stat so much, you would have needed a chisel! LOL
LOL thanks for the laugh I
LOL thanks for the laugh I needed that.
(No subject)
I had to buy a programmable
I had to buy a programmable thermostat with a protected 'can go no higher than x degrees' setting. It was worth it. OSD cranking the heat for the entire house one afternoon, to 80!, was enough to be done with it. A lock box would have worked as well but I also got the daily/hourly programmable.
You should get that lockbox! Just hide the key really well, or keep it on you.
Children's brains are not
Children's brains are not developing properly due to constant stimuli from devices. In teaching for 20 years(1997-2018) I saw a differnce in kids. They are no longer interested in reading a book with a teacher. I couldn't put my finger on it either but even kids without ADHD or autism are showing symptoms of these disorders. The more research we did the more we saw that children are not developing " normal" anymore. They lack empathy, social skills, language development and so much more but these kids can type and text like pros!
We limit electronics in our
We limit electronics in our home but that is now it was not like that before DH and I got together. They are still so immature and lack and idea of responsibility. Some stuff he is getting better with but when it we try to explain how he should not do things and why he is getting punished it does not matter.
DH and I took away everything from him, all electronics until he earns them all back. He still has legos in his room, plenty of books to read, toys, and oh yeah basketball hoop outside, and baseball tryouts coming up. We took away everything. When he said that I wanted to go in take everything but his furniture, clothes, light and humidifier out of his room.
You're starting to see what
You're starting to see what many of us tried to warn you about.
Your SS's primary caregivers were his grandparents and his aunt, which means he was doted on rather than parented. I'm a step GM myself, and admit I spoiled the gskids. Are you familiar with notthebradybunch's blog? Her H also let his parents raise his child, and at 18 she's a hot mess. Most GPs aren't willing or able to do the constant, detailed, unpopular slog of training, correcting, and civilizing a young child and it shows.
Your SS is still young enough that there's a chance to overwrite his bad habits, but your H must play the heavy and be consistent in correcting and teaching his son. Also look for opportunities to praise good behavior. Aniki's right - get a box for the thermostat and avoid the power struggle and bad cop role as much as possible.
The next few years are going to be a bumpy ride for all of you. Your H probably should limit exposure to the GPs and aunt, and make sure your SS knows there's no possibility of ever living with them. You don't want him using that as an escape hatch or ping ponging. He'll regress when he's around them for any length of time.
Well his g-parents live
Well his g-parents live really far from us now and he sees his aunt about once a week when she comes up for dinner or we go there. We are usually around. The exposure is limited. It helps but you are right when he is around any of them the behavior digresses so much. DH and I both see it and we try to correct it.
DH correct his behaviors a lot as well. It is not just always me. We try to praise good behavior with small things like I got him a new book he wanted because he had been really good lately and it was a book, I like for him to read a lot. I agree the next few years will be interesting.
Thanks for the support.
Doesn't anyone think his
Doesn't anyone think his acting out has anything to do with the adoption talks? Seriously? Is this kid in therapy yet?
Well considering his attitude
Well considering his attitude has been spoiled and entitled since we all moved in no I do not think it has anything to do with the adoption.
What are you saying that he does not want me to adopt and that we are wrong for going forward with it and it is really messing him up?
I think that he's older and
I think that he's older and realizing his mother abandoned him, which he is reminded of anytime you or DH talk about the adoption. And I've been heartbroken for him for years as I have advised therapy for him but no one thinks it's worth it. And you innocently ask these questions when you know why he needs therapy. This isn't about you.
I'm shaking right now I'm so upset for this kid. Of course he's angry!! His mother abandoned him. His grandparents, who raised him for 7 or 8 years, took off to Florida. He is also close to puberty while having all of these realizations and huge emotions. And you're only interested in hearing about ideas for punishments FFS.
Why hasn't he been seen by a therapist yet? Why?!
You really need to relax and
You really need to relax and stop being so judging. You do not live in my home and have no idea how we handle every little detail that occurs in our house. I know what is upsetting him. DH, SS and I have all talked about it.
As for therapy well do you have about a 100 to shell out every week. I certainly do not at this point. I am not against therapy at all but it does cost money. That is not something we have at this point in time in our lives. Before you say I can talk to the school well guess what we have.
If you talked to him he still does not get that his mom abandoned him. He get she was not around but that was his normal. He feels more abandoned by his g-parents. Yet again nothing my DH and I can do about that other than talk to him and be there for him which is what we are doing. You just to plenty of judgement without knowing a whole lot. You act like we are completely mistreating him and only care about ourselves and nothing else.
I will give you an address to send me money to send him to therapy.
I think maybe it's more along
I think maybe it's more along the lines of he might need help dealing with all the issues surrounding the big changes in his life. It may not be that he doesn't want you to adopt him.. but he has had a LOT of change.. his "parents" left (grandparents).. he sees his other former caregiver less... new home.. new "maternal figure"... lots of upheval.
So I'm gathering you're
So I'm gathering you're wanting to adopt him because his mother abandoned him? I'm not sure if I'm reading that right... Does he know you want to adopt him? It's very possible he's acting up because of this.
Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but from the sounds of it, you're just like the rest of us and you don't love this child unconditionally the way parents do.
"Things do not register with him. He lacks something and I just can not put my finger on it. Something is not connecting with him. It is so strange."
This is the kind of comments we make about stepkids - stepkids that we don't unconditionally love and feel all the warm fuzzies about. And that's okay. But why adopt him?
Chances are, he knows you don't love him the way moms love their children. There's nothing wrong with that. My stepdaughter knows I don't love her the way I love my son, I'm sure, despite my best efforts to make it seem equal.
He's already been abandoned by his biological mother, and add to that, his stepmom who is what appears to be indifferent is going to adopt him - making her have LEGAL rights over him?
He probably doesn't WANT another mom that doesn't love him. He needs to heal from the first one. If this kid needs anything, I agree it's therapy and MAYBE another trusted adult to confide in.
From what I understand from
From what I understand from OP's prior posts.. the BM has been out of the picture for a very long time. I don't think the kid really knew her or remembers her. I also think that OP had a very strong drive to "just add water (ash)" to her husband and little boy unit and she had a ready made family... her prior posts really project the feeling of wanting her family unit all to herself.
In reality, in the past her DH's parents and sister took a primary role in caring and raising this boy. Since Ash came on the scene, the sister was sidelined to a great extent (lots of posts on how SIL needed to back off because since ASH was here.. she was no longer needed) and the parents moved to FL (perhaps now that they didn't have to tote the responsiblity the figured it was their time to enjoy retirement?).
The boy is now to the point where he must realize that if Ash is adopting him.. what/where/who is his real mom.. and why doesn't she want him? His 'real' parents (grandparents) hightailed it out of his life.. and his aunt has also been gone a whole lot. So he is probably reeling a bit from all that confusion.. and "abandonment".
Then there is the new SM.. the new home.. maybe new school? He has been through a marathon of changes.. and even good changes can bring stress into our lives.
I guess my real concern is what happens if/when she and her DH split? What happens if she has a bio of her own.. and SS continues to annoy.. how will she reconcile THAT in her mind...
No doubt the boy has been spoiled in the past by gp's and SIL..and even by the fact that her DH probably wasn't very set on parenting him either... so now Ash arrives with very specific and honestly more stringent expectations.. the kid doesn't really know how to respond.
Let me put your concerns to
Let me put your concerns to rest. I fully understand that by adopting SS I will be responsible for him not matter what. I have not intention, even if DH and I do split, to not be there for SS in every way I can. SS will always annoy to some extent he is 10 and hyper and a kid. All kids can get on your nerves.
If we should have one I will reconcile in my mind that they are both my children. How do adoptive parents who adopt and go on to have bio reconcile it. They just do it. I know it will not be totally the same and things will be different. I love this child so very much. I appreciate your concerns.
He has no memory of BM at all
He has no memory of BM at all. He gets she was not around and she was not there. He does not fully get she abandoned him as this was his normal for so long. He feels more like the g-parents did that and I get that but they moved and there is nothing we can do about that. That was their choice, they promised to come back and visit way more and have not so he is upset about all that. We have talked about it.
I do want to adopt him for so many reasons on so many levels. I love the kid with all my heart but I have my moments where he does things and how he responds I wonder if how he was raised and not having that mother figure has done something. I do not think that is abnormal. Even my DH will admit some stuff just does not seem to sink in and he really does not care or register there will be a consequence. Yes plenty on here will state the g-parents were the parents. My DH parented plenty as well, he made mistakes but tried and still does to make up for all that. He sees his error from the past but it happened and nothing can change it. He does things different now.
I am not indifferent, I can vent and have my moments where I am like oh shit I need a drink! I agree with therapy but again it costs money and it is something we just to not have at this moment.
Even children who have no
Even children who have no memory of the bio parent, miss that parent. You could have picked him up from the hospital and he still may have had abandonment issues.
Adoption, while a happy joyous event, is also simultaneously a loss for the child.
I agree. It is both I am
I agree. It is both I am happy about it and over the moon but part of me is sad that she will officially give him up. I know that will cause some issues. I am pretty sure the adoption is not the problem lately. I think it is g-parents not being around as much as they said they would and hardly contacting or anything.
I do not say this to SS or DH, the truth is they are having too much fun living up the carefree life or retirement and partying in their community to worry about those they moved away from. DH, SS and their daughter have become an after thought. They have not once even considered what they did had a huge impact on SS. He feels like they left him and do not care about him. If he is feeling abandoned it is not by BM (not at this point) it is the g-parents.
This is alot of information
This is alot of information to reconcile but....
the thermostat is one issue. And it was handled.
Dad should be doing the discipline at this time according to all books and articles I have read basically. When you jump in and take that role, SS will rebel for a multitude of reasons it seems from his history. You can support him and love him, and correct him if he is in danger or being flat out rude, but Dad should be doing the talking and assigning punishments. At least for the foreseeable future. You two can discuss in private, but he delivers the news so to speak.
As for you knowing what is bothering him, maybe try to focus on that and hold off on adoption until he is dealing better with what is bothering him. If you're committed to him and his father there is no reason to rush an adoption.
Just my two cents...