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Meeting with Lawyer went well.....

AshMar654's picture

We met with a lawyer last night. All things were good other than his price which was really really high. Flat fee of $4000. I knew it was going to cost but wow that is a lot of money. We are going to talk to one more lawyer just to gauge things.

This lawyer we did talk to said that we would have a pretty good case. If we choose to use him he did warn me there will be a lot of hoop jumping. He said we can go for her to consent or we can just go ahead and petition to terminate her rights and file for adoption.

He said either option is good but if she does fight it or does not consent it would be in our better interest to go for termination and adoption then consent. He said if it goes to a Judge it will look bad on her that if she did fight it would be only all the sudden she wants to be involved after getting papers. To me that seems harsh but I guess that this does happen.

I also asked what my odds were. He said well if she consents I see no issues with the courts allowing you to adopt. If she does fight it I would probably be likely to win considering she is a stranger to my SS. He also said most judges would probably side with me because I am the mom and I provide for him and care for him and do everything a parent would do for a child.

We will see what happens with are talking to another lawyer in two weeks. We will be talking to the same law office that handled the custody case a while back.

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

Good luck! Let us know what other layers says. As about adoption fees...My brother paid I think over 5k for family adoption (they adopted my sisters-in-law relative). So the high fee isn’t uncommon. 

AshMar654's picture

I knew it would be high. Just still want to speak with another attorney. Thanks for the support.

AshMar654's picture

We still need help though. We do not know her address or exactly where she lives. Also we have no idea the paperwork involved or how to go about filing any of it. I know where to file it but I really do not know much about all the legal stuff.

If by chance she does fight it I would rather have a lawyer already helping us.

ndc's picture

Are there any assumptions built into the $4K flat fee for the lawyer - such that BM doesn't fight it or there aren't more than X court appearances or hours required?  I would just make sure you know exactly what you're looking at financially 

Ispofacto's picture

In the very unlikely event your DH did die, you could pursue all of this at that point, if BM even showed up to contest it, which sounds unlikely.  By then you would have even more time to establish status-quo.  I've known a SM who got custody after her DH died, and another who got custody when CPS took the kids away from the exH.  In both cases the BM was alive but had abandoned the skids.

 

AshMar654's picture

It is a very unlikely event. Me adopting will also make things easier on everything. For instance my DH will not have to notify the school every year that I am allowed to pick up SS. If I take him to a Doc appointment I will be able to make decisions with out DH there. I know legal guardianship will give me all those rights as well.

In my state she will still be notified and have to sign on on me being a legal guardian. Either route we take she will be notified and have to basically say it is ok. I want to adopt my SS. I love him very much and I know that years from in an unlikely event I could go after it at that point.

Thank you for the input.

WalkOnBy's picture

after my DH got custody, I took the kids to the dentist, the doctor, the therapist and never had an issue with anyone asking me about my relationship to them. 

 

AshMar654's picture

What is so wrong with me want to adopt my SS that I really love and care for. What is so wrong with my DH and I wanting this for our son. Yes I say our as at this point I see him as my son.

AshMar654's picture

I know I can take him. I know there is not much issue there but I can not make any decisions without DH permission. First time I took him the doctor I had to call DH get him on the phone to say it was ok. I am good at the doctors office now because he is on my insurance. Let's face it if it is an emergency room I am not allowed to make any decisions as all in that case. What if my DH is out of town or I can not get a hold of him.

He is hard to get a hold of sometimes at his job. All that stuff is not the only reason I want to adopt him. I love this little boy very much and I want to provide him with everything I can. I get that is hard for some people to understand. It is how I feel. I am raising this child and providing for him and caring for him as if he was my own. What is so wrong with wanting to make it legal so that I can do an even better job without constantly having to go to my DH for permission. My DH wants this too, he wants to be 100 percent sure that if anything happened to him that everything will be ok.

beebeel's picture

As I have said before, your feelings aren't wrong. Your emotions are understandable. But you are basing this huge, legal and permanent decision all on YOUR feelings RIGHT NOW and that isn't good. You don't care about the risks (inviting an absentee parent into his life) or the possible negative affects on your SS (making it OFFICIAL that his BM wants nothing to do with him.)

There are other ways to make doctors visits and such "easier" on YOU (which is your sole complaint). You can have guardianship without adoption. You can be given POA without adoption. Now that you are actually married and not just the GF you should find these things much easier. Most people just assumed I was the mom because I have the same last name. 

Anyways, not that it will change your mind. Good luck. 

AshMar654's picture

I am not basing all this on feelings. Yes I do think of SS plenty in all of this. We have talked to him about it and explained things to him. He has some understanding of it all.

In our state even if I go for legal guardianship or POA she still has to be notified so no matter what we do we are opening that can of worms. What am I suppose to do just sit here and keep jumping through hoops for the next 8 years or do I just go ahead and jump through the one big one and see what happens.

This is not all me. My DH also wants to know that his son is taken care of. Are you saying my DH is not thinking of his son and only thinking about what I want. I know he is not. Thank you for the good luck I hope you really mean that.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I've had issues... DH has custody... He's even signed some things... They almost haven't let me into parent-teacher conferences, I've had issues at doctor's offices (even after he's signed things). 

I also think the people around here are a special kind of stupid though... Soooo.... Could be a 50/50 shot.

I'd adopt mine in a heartbeat too though. They're good girls who would have a MUCH better shot at a good future.

AshMar654's picture

Thanks. I know I will continue to have issues with the school as there is a CO in place and they have that on record and refer to it.

Let's face it if any medical personnel gave me information without DH consent they could get in so much trouble.

I have to agree I do think some people on here are a special kind of stupid. I think some people on here are so bitter towards step life they can not even come close to understanding a person could love a child that is not biologically theirs. Wonder if they feel the same if a couple decided to adopt a 12 year old child. Guess they should think long and hard because you know you can not just give them back.

Thanks for the support.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I wasn't talking aobut on here. Smile I was saying around where I live. The people here don't understand a LOT of things and it's VERY cliquish. Meaning anyone Psycho comes into contact with suddenly has this small town loyalty. So I have trust issues with everyone around here.

I think there's just a completley different dynamic for different people and different situations. In your situation, you love the child as thier own, in thiers maybe the kid is a little s***.  Every adoption should think long and hard regardless. You can't just give a child back, and it's important to be sure. I don't think it's bitterness, I think it's different experiences. I see it as a valid thing because it's the same choice I'd make. others might cirnge based on their own experience.

I do support this fully though. You're doing a good thing, and you seem to have thought about it. I'm REALLY glad the prognosis is looking good for your case. You're the mom he knows, and it would be a great thing for him to have that legally too. But there's a difference between bieng a mom and a mother (in the sense). Anyone can give birth and be a "mother." But it takes work and effort to be a mom. You're putting that work in. I really want to see the legal side go through for you! Keep us updated!

AshMar654's picture

I get every person has a different experience just wish some people would understand that.

Thank you so much. I will keep everyone updated.

bananaseedo's picture

I think this is a big decision you should take some more time with.  Do you two have children together?  Maybe wait until you have your own children and see if you still feel the same.  Adoption of a skid is VERY tricky.

AshMar654's picture

No we do not have a child together. Trust me I know it is a very big decision I get that. I gave this a lot of thought over the last 2 years about what I would do and how I would handle things. My parents have talked to me as well about all the responsibility I would be facing. I get it all I really do. Let's face it if DH and I have a child I would be faced with all the responsibility as well.

I understand should something happen between me and DH like divorce I would be responsible for SS, and my DH also understands that as well. I knew going into this relationship from the get go that being with a man with a child who has never really known his mom was going to be tricky. I also knew if things played out and this little boy got attached and saw me as mom, I would have to always be there for him. He already had one mom that bailed and didn't want to be his parent and I know if I ever did that all the hurt it would bring him.

Just because he is not biologically related to me does not mean I do not love him and think of him as my own. I get I do not have a biological child. Is it really that hard for people to understand that I could love a child that is not biologically mine. It seems when men want to do they have it so much easier.

Willow2010's picture

I am so surprised that people are so against you adopting this motherless child?!  And yes…I know…BM is still alive but she might as well be dead to this child.  I don’t get it. 

 

I think it is great.  You came in gangbusters with this kid and never stopped. (I was a little taken aback at how involved you were right off the bat.)  But apparently this is not a fly by night relationship.  Lol

Good luck I think it is worth the chance of BM rearing her ugly head.   

AshMar654's picture

Thank you Willow. I know I came in kinda gangbusters at the start. I think if SS had not taken to me like he did things would have been very different. My DH jokes that SS is so like me at times. It is kinda funny. He is a great kid and I love him dearly.

Thank you so much for the support.